Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Cant bring me down~

WHAT AN AMAZING MONTH OF MY LIFE!

In all the darkness of my days, times, hours, experiences, life, everything....EVERYTHING! The good rises through these hardships...just as much as my friends rise along with me fighting for me an with me through all these things...
Ive been struggling obviously even just myself glimpsing at my last entry...wow a lot has changed an some for the best an others for not so best...

I dealt with my buddy on the letter I recieved...It was a tough thing for me but it was good because it challenged me in how I would respond, How I would be there for my buddy...cause obviously these times have been vulnerable for me so when I got that letter it just really blew me outta the water....but I am glad that I had the support those days when I got that letter an I talked to the right people...an my buddies return was difficult...but above all it was the best thing in the world, no matter how i was doing or feeling...I really love it having my support system close by.

After that..I mean days literally days after...that..I went off on my own...lol..I guess you could say a part of me was running from dealing with my buddy in my state of mind, the things I had done while my buddy was away...made me ashamed an scared of taking more steps backwards then forwards...so i left for the canoe journey intentionally running from her...but of course...
when I got to Tribal Journeys!! Man alive was it the GREATEST place to run too!! I learned so much about myself, about my heart...about my culture, my values, my ancestors, an cultures different ones! I ran to the best place! an had the GREATEST days of my life!

The journey was fantastic...I loved everyday of it...even with all that I had to deal with an even still deal with afterwards...the memory I carry with me is the greatest of days of my life...the place to find healing, strength, an a love so pure! a family! a community of goodness! it was amazing I loved it an I am so glad that I ran there...an in that...I was able to return more calm from lifes troubles, trials an worries...

However when I returned..I was afraid of so much....an still struggle with those thoughts as i did before...although i have a new heart of it..a new place to grow etc....the reailty is knowing the places im at...but I guess the greatest....

No no....hold up! the greatest news ever known to the history of my life is that I am gifted with the opportunity to treasure my life...treasure the little things in my life..such as my amazing lady an her place in my life, my amazing support system....I have found something many many have not found...I dont have the luxury of a home, a place to rest my head, an i dont have the luxury of food an all that....but it's alright...because regardless that I dont have those things! I own the world because I have relationships, STRONG friendships, strong support system...I have what I need when I need it....man alive...I feel like I've been so humbled by all these hardships of these things that had tried to worry me...

For the first time...Im alright with not knowing whats happening next...not worrying about anything because I've got everything you know? I have nothing but I have everything!

The best news is YET TO COME!!!

I WAS ACCEPTED INTO COLLEGE! i gotta say that again THIS GIRL ME MYSELF AN I HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED INTO COLLEGE!!!!!

I have been accepted into College...all this wondering of where my life was going next, all this fear of the future, fear of failing not making it...all paid off when I returned...on July 31.09 I recieved my Acceptance letter for COLLEGE! I could not be more blessed to have this opportunity!
I have made all the proper arrangements of getting my life together...an although i dont have a home an food...I have all these other things...an I wrote about it...let me look......

(journal entry)
"regardleess of all these things or lack of things such as a place to live etc...my life is coming the way it needs too. I mean just being given this opportunity to go to CoLLEGE is huge! an I just have to trust in God to help provide the funding for it.. CAuse so far this is the direction I need to go... I just hope people will hear my heart. people will see my fight to live an not look at the things I lack as a reflection of the person I am. I have travelled down some pretty dark paths an had committed to darkness an pain, selfish living....Until I realized Im not meant for that. there is a light in my soul, a light in my life that keeps me fighting even though I dont have the necessities of life, I have the treasure of life. I have great friends, great support, an a heart to keep living no matter what happens or has happened"

I know that my life has been difficult the last while..an may get difficult well guarantee it will be difficult in the future...but for some of the first moments in my life...going to College is huge for me because I never thought I could...it was always a goal I set but never put into action until my lady came into my life...an for that I will be eternally grateful....

So thats where Im at...regardless of my present circumstances...Im seeing the goodness.. seeing under the surface of life of living...an finding the treasures the things I value an hold close to my heart...Im holding onto those things an hoping it'll be enough for now...trustin that it is...an soon enough everything will come into place the way it needs too...

Until then..long past! Im alive..an well! Accepted in to College an living a life valuing every good thing in my life!

laterz

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