A strange reality of life going in my life at the moment... All for goodness of course...which for the moment it all happened i actually literally broke down an cried...But Im honestly proud of myself for those tears...because if I didn't have those tears well then I'd be in the place I was before... I'd be cutting, or thinking of self-destruction...But for the first time I see all that I need to do... An that life of cutting, it's grip on my life..even with the beast...it is losing it's edge in my life, it's place in my life an Im conquering things as I go...
No matter the load of difficulty, no matter what goes on Im at a place where im confident in my ability to succeed...that's something I find myself constantly in awe of where I am an where Im going, an I know I'll be okay...I mean some crazy obstacles have come into my path but that's something Im learning as I go...is that all these things are choices, an decisions...its not that its life, or my life...but its an everyday choice of what I do with any and all information that comes into my life.. I could run..I could hide..an fail in that way because I would not make it to the future... because I felt I'd fail, set myself up for a fail an therefore that's how I failed...
That's not what Im doing...thankfully as I go along this way of life.. Im becoming confident in my ability, my ability to find the resources, the support an help to get to my set goal of becoming a Police Officer...to getting into College...it's all the way it needs to be becaues I've given it my 100% an I will succeed.. tonight I continued to suprise myself...suprise everyone actually!
I have overcome the obstacles of my life of drinking, of cutting, of self-destruction...you might ask me how...but like my title says, its not life..its a choice that I made...I've got so many people so much more people now who believe in me, who are living good lives, an being the best influences in my life..I've not had a desire to drink or self-destruct...I know or feel that it may be temporary but honestly...Im at a point that I know I can choose life, I can choose everything that happens to me or how I respond to events in my life..
My lady is a prime example of true an utter goodness...a woman..a lady my lady! With all that she has been through, all that she has suffered, the consquences of her decisions an choices from the past...effect her now...I mean she could go back, she could give up...she could give less then a 100% she could just go back to where she was...she could allow the difficuilties of life effect her, she could do all this...but you know what shes doing? She's choosing Life! She chooses to walk in Victory..to believe that this is not her forever...an although the walk back from the destructive life she was living, may be tough, may feel unbearable but she knows where she was, she knows where she's going....Everyday she chooses goodness..chooses life...she is an amazing incredible person an I look to her to see that Victory...the victory in her eyes, her voice, her smile... she is walking victory...encouraging, inspiring me..an loving me...I am so proud of her for choosing life, an wonder how I would've come to where I am now if she hadn't choosen life...or even let the past effect her present, or even just choose the destructive path....she doesn't do that.. she lives in the present, an she faces each obstacle with the knowledge that she is giving it her all an she is going to reach her set goal...
She makes me believe in myself...an my ability to see that the future as far away as it might seem, its here..its now..its this present moment...an I could also choose destruction..I could let myself down an run back to where I was...but I know where it got me...an how i felt in that place an that's why I won't go back..that's why Im where I am...because I believe in my ability to live, an conquer all things...choose to walk in victory no matter the circumstance, the obstacle or anything...
School has been so incredible..I mean I may have funding for it...an in the next two weeks I'll totally be getting my own place to live! I am reaching out to all the resources, an getting all the support i need to get to my set goal...an I haven't been worried...because im doing my part... Im fully there doing this an accomplishing everything thats been asked of me...I will get there no matter what!
Well the medication for sleep has now kicked in so Im off to sleep....to dream of the days of victoriously walking into a classroom, to wearing the Police uniform...to everything that needs to happen! VICTORY IS AT ARMS LENGTH!
I CHOOSE LIFE! I CHOOSE IT EVERYDAY! <3
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