broken bridges

I never understood this concept of broken bridges or burning bridges until recently... I don't know where i was or what I was doing....but my long-time friend and partner...has finally given up on me and I've finally come to the point of no longer being there when she calls... it's not an easy task but I know this is what I've got to do...I can't wait around and constantly be here like this anymore... I have continued to do my best but continued time after time failing at everything I want to do...

I've never heard of someone being afraid for their life especially when it comes to me.. I mean I know if you ever should be afraid it's only when you've hurt me....but otherwise I've never hurt anyone in any physical sense and I've never had to raise my hands in anger to hurt someone.. but apparently the other night my long-time friend was afraid for herself...and she had no reason to be afraid and I've burned that bridge down to the ground with broken pieces all over the place... but this time I showed no emotion about it...this time I did not cry because I know that this is finally the end result to this thing...I can't do it like this anymore....

I have opportunities for my future that will change EVERYTHING in my life I no longer will have to worry about my financial situation...and yeah I did have a few problems but Im looking forward to changing everything and me getting this job will help me with that...because Im not wanting to end up like anything terrible you know? I mean Im sad to see how things are going down the way they are...but the end result is that I've become an angry person....
There isn't really much reason for me being angry...but apparently there are alot of things I must worry about or do or something...either way I realize now that as happy as I might have been five years ago..things have changed in such a dreadful way...and I now have the opportunity to make things work out... I mean I loook at my life years ago and yes I was not happy even then...and things have built up in my life that have been extreme for me... every outburst of anger is out of some kind of trigger and then it's just surface...I've not been myself since moving back....I've felt like I've started to lose myself in this life of men....

Do you know I don't even hang out with woman anymore? majority of the time Im hanging with the guys and for me that's not a good thing because when that happens...we form to the people we hang out with and maybe that's why everything for my friendships and relationships is falling apart...I've lost myself in being insensitive and unaware to the feelings of those I care about... just today my younger brother was like holy it's been so long since he has seen me...that was a little hard for me to hear and I almost wanted to stay home but I can't...Im too afraid to stay home because I don't like doing nothing....when Im doing nothing all's Im thinking about is will I ever get through this thing with my friend...because I really really messed up beyond any opportunity to return or recover from that....

I haven't talked to a Christian in so long about me....I mean I haven't had any friends out here who are talking to me or hanging with me... Im not sure I can handle it anymore...I just want to be on my own and just not I dont know... I mean a part of me does not want to care for the important things in life because I feel I've lost so much more then I've wanted too.... but at the same time that part of me...that girl that woman of me...it's still there...it does not matter if Im hanging with guys all the time and they treat me like Im a guy and one of the crew...it's not really who I am...and the more I continue to be there with them the more a part of me is slipping away and all of my girl friends they are all seeing that...they want to help me get out of that but they can't...I am not ready because Im not sure where I want to stand in my life...

as for the job...well the job will be a major break through and great opportunity for me to grow in my life...and get things rolling in my life..i just have to get the money I need to buy whatever I need for everything that is coming in my future....hopefully I'll figure this all out...
I mean I've been having no fun...but fun...but not real fun...
I mean I cannot remember the last time I just hung out and chilled like a fun girl...just going out for dinner...going and doing crazy fun things...the last time I had real fun...not the fun I have after hanging with my boys...

Im not sure where Im going with any of this...but Im starting to realize as this bridge is broken that I'll never return if I continue to go down this path and I really don't want to screw things up but I also am not sure how to keep myself busy...........

I miss my life...I miss my heartfelt moments...and I miss my smile...I miss laughing and I miss loving life the way life was created to be loved...

I hope that I will get through this..because I have found myself losing myself in all this stuff.. and I've become more angry...more hurt and more unsure of what I really want to do with my life.. and hope that I'll figure this out and if that bridge is forever broken it was my fault...I should never treat anyone the way i treated this person...

good night