Emotionless

The last time I wrote...Im not sure what I said...but it's all crazy either way!

The last few days I've spent some time with different crowds hearing different things...at the end of it all...we are all still trying to survive the loss of those around us... One of my friends homegirl past away...and it's been a huge struggle for everyone.... If not that we are still bringing up the death of my cousin...it's not been fun or easy or something I can comfortablly talk about..
These last few days I've found myself...seperating myself from everyone with my own open wounds of my own stupidity...or even then just trying to figure out...what's going to happen in this world...what's going to happen in my life..

We can all agree everyone who's anyone that knows me right now...has come to realize how angry and aggressive I've become not really sure why....the big question is why Im angry you know? I mean... I can not explain this anger...this frustration...this pain in my life... and people asking me whats going on...and I have no idea...
we think about it...I get angry when people talk about child abuse, I get angry when people talk about the death of someone I know or love, I get angry when people are treating me poorily, and I get angry when I feel that Im threatened in anyway...
However...there are other things that contribute to my anger...our friends rub off on us... and since I been hanging with some people my temper has shortened and Im always ready to desire to hit someone...I never do just because no one has done anything to me...but I've found myself being angry...frustrated...

as for emotional...well I guess Im in a state of always being sad..thinking about the things in my life that I've lost..thinking about the things I left behind....thinking about the friends that have changed...thinking about the love that I've lost... it's not easy to deal with...and not something I can talk to anyone really..about... I mean I don't know why I feel the way I do...but Im feeling pretty broken up about everything that's gone on this last week..
I read something today and his words were so inspiring...he doesn't regret everything in his life.. he's young and stuff...but he has no regrets..
I wish that I could say the same thing...but theres one regret...one pain...one hurt.. that I cannot cure with a bottle, or with medication...or with anything...else... does that sound crazy? to care about the feelings of my friend? am I crazy to just want to apologize and walk our seperate ways rather then just walking away... I dont need to explain anything because everything was my fault not really but mainly...and the way I lashed out in anger like that was not cool...and has wrecked this relationship probably forever...and I'll never be alright with that... I mean I understand that some of my friends I'll not talk to them forever...but others...like this one.. has ended so terribly so horrific...I can't believe this one thing...this one thing I've done wrong...

So either way...as for my job...the one I really really really wanted...I didn't get it because I need a driver's licence and although Im in the process of that...it's not good enough..because of all the drama we have to go through to become an actual driver in BC.. but at least I have a job hopefully next year... but for this year...well I will probably be working with CAS..which should be good because I will still be working with the same people just in a different sector...not the same thing exactly..but I'll still see the people I want to know, get to know...learn from and all that stuff...

well... I think I've talked about everything I want to talk about today.. I have to sign off to grab some food...

ttyl