Because I love him

I met him on Christmas day...this young child...this little boy...a part of me was terrified of him because I've always had a fear of children especially young babies...he was seven months when I met him.... it took him all of a few hours to be glued to me at my side...
I've never cared about a child the way I care about this little boy....

It brings back bad memories...of the child being left alone so often....it helps remind me how lucky my brothers and sisters are now that my own mother has cleaned up her life...and is only their for her children....
When I was a kid...I didn't have that...I used to have to make things on my own...I had to walk the streets of vancouver...not just any streets but the horrible sides of east vancouver....looking searching for my mom...so many people were always like that's Sheldon's daughter... I was never bothered but it was so sad to know and realize how difficult it was....

I had to make a difficult decision today and Im not sure what's going to happen this week..but I know that people will not love me the same way....but this is how I love this kid...I love him to know that he deserves so much better then this...he deserves greatness..and he deserves to have a great shot at the love that he needs...the care he needs...the everything a baby needs.

I am not happy about my deciision and Im really afraid to see what happens...but in the end it's true...that the mother will realize how important she is to him, and how important it is for her to be there for him...to be there all the time... when she decided to keep him..she decided or needs to decide to give up all else to be there for him... I mean Im not the one to speak cause I don't have children...but I know that it's difficult to always be there for the children...
I have raised four of my brothers and sisters...and I moved away to try and get things back together in my life..tried to make my life survive..tried to be alive...tried to breath fresh air, tried to see the sun shinning...not always seeing the hurt that goes around in our daily lives...not allowing myself to become depressed or hurt by the little things in life...

Im not sure if I made the right decision..but I know that I love this little boy..and if I could I'd be there for him all the time...always with him...but Im not his mother...but he loves me so much.. I mean when he sees me he stops crying..when he knows Im lying beside him..he sleeps peacefully.. when Im with him..he's secure...safe...and when he cries Im the first person he sees because I'd give it all up for him to be alright....

I don't know...I dont know really anything....

All's I know is I've loved this boy since the first time he slept in my arms...I ached with so much pain having to hold him for so long...but I didn't care because I love him that much...
the first night I babysat him I was left alone with him for over a day and a half...and it was not fun because I was exhausted from being tired..I had to catch a cab over to my mother's just to get some sleep....my heart goes out to him more then anything else.

I dont know what else to say...Im really sad about what's happened..Im sad that I had to do this.. but I know that I know...this is what's best for him..and if nothing happens well it's alright she will realize we are not playing games anymore...and we won't be there for her when she needs a time drinking..or whatever she decides to do.....

anyhow...I have to go...Im still with my little precious cousin...and I just wanted to vent a bit because I feel really terrible....