burned

I have been through so many things in the last twenty for to thirty six hours..
I went from losing one of my best friends because my ex-girlfriend tried to say alot of garbage about me... to nearly losing my mind about all these feelings I once had...
I went from Sunday night of being cut loose from babysitting to a fight breaking out...and being afraid for myself...and those around me.

I think the only thing that really hurt me was the idea of losing my close friend because some girl was trying to make up all this garbage...what for? who know's what for...but my friends those who know me they know me well enough to deal with me directly..and I never have issues with anyone and if I do I'd tell them right to their face...Im fearless when it comes to problems like that because Im not going to be afraid...I don't even care about the little things...just as much as if there were people out there looking for me by now they would have found me because I usually am at the same places all the time and it's fine by me...lol... not trying to say that I ain't afraid of that kind of stuff...but I'm not allowing those kinds of people put fear in my life anymore because this is my life..and I will still continue on everyday of my life...I will not give up on my future...and I will not hide ever!

I was talking to my friend yesterday..we were talking about the person she loved...five years ago I was someone else...I might have been strong...but I was weak as I am now... emotionally I mean.. but now... five years later I am not afraid of these things that once haunted me five years ago because I have no reason to fear them... no one has anything on me because Im not the kind of person to bring that kinda pain on anyone you know? If I have problems with people I bring it up directly..because that's the kind of person I am...there isn't reason to hurt me unless someone is saying lies to me.

Well I said I wasn't going to be dating anymore..just because there is way too much drama in that kind of life...and right now Im looking after me..meaning I am applying to school.. applying to jobs..and spending meaninful time with my family... I am trying really hard to focus on myself because as desirable there are people out there that I may like, or be interested in.. I also know that I need to focus on me..there are so many obstacles in relationships and so many things in relationships Im just like you know what I can't do it..I want to every part of me wants too but I can't because I have to figure out my life and figure out these anger things before I get involved with anyone again...it makes sense...

well my friend in Surrey won't be around for another week...it sucks so much because I loved chillin with them...I miss being around them...I miss having that time away from home... I mean everytime I was there it was like my home and I totally loved it...I mean I always had so much fun being out there...and just enjoying life..no phone calls..no drama anymore because Im single now...and no anything that happens if I was in Vancouver... but I have to wait and now I am hoping I will get out there on Friday or Saturday to chill with my homeboys girl..just chill and I dont know..see how it goes...

emotional wise...and other things wise...because of the situation that happened yesterday.. well it really effected me and I know that ex did it to get to me...she went after my heart when she tried to say all that garbage about me with my best friend...but Im so glad my friend knows how much I care and how much I'll never be gone...and I'll never say any of this garbage unless I say it to her face first... but because of that situation...my month of not doing it has changed and I started back up again...I couldn't cry about it because I couldn't let the ex know she got me good with this...instead I did something else...and I don't regret it because I couldnt talk to anyone.. couldn't write about it because I had no sleep yesterday...and so I did the next and only thing I could...
I feel bad but at the same time..Im alright and Im still alive..and things are good with my friend we are fine...and she is no longer going to listen to the ex...and who knows how things will go from now on...but I believe and want to do more then I am..but I ain't like that.. I am someone different and everything..

anyhow I gotta go...Im doing alright...hopefully this week will be better then it has been so far.