future up in smoke

It's been just over or about a week since I've written anything...

I have been so caught up in thinking that my future was going somewhere.I would become something or someone... I put too much faith in those around me to help me get places I have come to the understanding the only way Im going to get out there is to do it myself and stop waiting for great opportunities to come to me.
So I went and got a job..I now have a job I work nights.. Im sad deeply saddened that I did not get the jobs I was hoping for but I believe that everything is due in time. however time will also cripple me with certain things because of some things I have done in the past... I do not wish to say what those things are but that I know in the long run it will cripple my future opportunities.

However deep those wounds are I will still become all I can be. No matter what I decide or what those around me decide I will still be the one standing, and I will still be the one who is going to make it..No matter what lies are spoken in my mind, no matter how many times I have new scars on my body..I will still survive all this..
No one and nothing can make me give up...it is no longer in my blood..in my mind or in my heart. I am all about making it...regardless if that means that I will not become a police officer.. as long as Im doing something that will benefit others, as long as I do something that will encourage others, and as long as I have opportunities to bring others to greatness...to guide them, or even just point the way...it doesn't matter to me...as long as I am able to do that..it doesn't matter that I don't have a badge... or whatever... uniform or anything.. I will become something, someone regardless of everything...

Im fairly disappointed in these things but Im also trying not to allow them to effect me in any way.. although it's extremly difficult..because it's like everything I wanted to do I can't do, and everything I don't mind doing Im doing.. maybe it's just not the right time..these are not the right people to be connected too..I have no idea I just know that this has been fairly painful last few weeks..and Im glad that I got out there and found myself a job something I can do, something that doesn't pay well and everything..but something I can look at after work an say "yep that was me I accomplished that" I mean...really that's what I enjoy...and that's what I want to be doing..

I don't know if I should feel sad..or disappointed...kinda expected this..after everything.. but not like this.. I dont even know what to go to College for anymore..not sure if I can do all I wanted.. I will have to talk to my mentor and friend and find out what he says..however Im very much scared too just because I know just as much as everyone he of all people will be very disappointed but I know no matter what he loves me the same...it's just going to be diffiuclt to swallow for me to hear his words, or anything...

anyhow....

back in touch with some friends..different friends..encouraging friends and it's been going pretty good and whatever...

just sad and disappointed today... have every right too I guess...