It's been a rough week..Im finally slowly getting over this head cold or whatever it has been. I have spent the last few days hanging out with random people and just hanging out.
I have still been with this girl...but we are not together because I said some things while under the influence and it's really made a mess of things.. but I guess I just have to wait and see what happens..it's not been fun because I have felt extremly terrible about the things I had said and hope that even if we don't get back together that we can still be friends. She was a great friend when we knew eachother back in the day and it would be sad to lose everything over this mishap.
Other then that...well court date was yesterday Im not sure how comfortable I feel about talking about it...I mean it was really difficult for me to be in that court room and not having anyone there with me to guide me, or help me through it...apparently the court is delayed again for sentencing until end of next month...I can't wait until this court thing just goes out the door and hopefully see justice happen..I dont like the idea of this whole court thing and it often breaks me up from everything but I can only pray that it will all work out.
Apparently people were afraid of me entering into that court room because apparently I looked extremly violent and might have done something if I had seen him outside the court room. but I didn't because it's not my job, Im not a judge and I may pass judgement on that guy but it does not mean that I have any right to hurt him myself...
Im finally getthing things rolling with jobs and stuff...Im trying to get this one job working with VPD but I have to get my lisence first so Im working on the book at the moment and hope that I can get this the first time and not have to do it again...I really hope that it wil work out for me this summer because I really want to make it with the police idea... I really have become more passionate about getting into the idea of becoming a police officer.. I mean I know that I've grown up in not such a great life, but I want to make it and I want to really just make it.. I mean yesterday my friend Dave was worried about me because he didn't like hearing what I've been doing with my life...and having idle hands I guess is what you can call it...I've not made much imporvement in figuring things out in my life...Im just trying to figure out what I would like to do...I mean do I want to go to school in September or later? but as far as I know I missed the deadline which would have been today so I'll have to wait until the next semster and hopefully by then I'll have more people helping me figure all this out.
I have been thinking alot about my money situations..I mean I owe so much money to so many things and so Im considering going to work at this place by broadway but I really am not sure how safe it would be for me.... lots of people don't like me and it's not for any reason they just don't like me...and when I think of that all's I think is you know what Im here... Im not moving Im not running away or anything...Im going to make it and I will always make it you know?
I know people are worried about me...especially close friends who hear what I've been doing, or where I been hanging around...but it does not stop me from making it...I've always been surviving everything in my life and there aint no way Im going to fail.. I am never going to turn out like my sister...I will never touch drugs, and I'll never end up on the streets..Im so much smarter then that and I know better..it's not everyday that someone like me makes it you know? it's a rare thing and I want to prove to all my buddies, all my family and friends that we can do it...we can go through the worst things in the world, we can desire the pain to stop, and just everything..but we can pull through...we were created to pull through..
and yet I know alot of people...when I walk downtown...I see majority are native people.. and I know their struggle, I know their hurt...but thats no excuse to end up down there.. people tell me to take pride in my heritage and it ain't that I dont have pride but a part of me will always be broken when I see young kids young teens getting into gangster life, or when they start husseling the streets...there is a way we can pull through all that....
it's all about believeing in ourselves...believeing that even though we been through the worst that we can still stand up, rise up...there ain't no reason for all that pain...yeah there is but everyone has struggled everyone's been hurt...but there is no excuse to be on the streets..yes addictions are hard believe me I'll be first to say that...but it beats dying down there... there is a way through that..and no one can tell me different..
My dad died down there..and yet look where I am? I talking about making it...Im talking like I never touch that stuff never have and never will..because I've seen the pain that brings into my family, I remember the emtional scars I suffered from both my parents being down there.. I remember those hard nights, I remember everything like that...but I ain't drinking, or doing drugs or ruining my life..Im trying to make it because I believe that I can..and I know that I been struggling, and I have felt like giving up...but I got amazing people in my life helping me pull through every obstacle in my way..
If not looking at my dad..then look at my mom...this woman has been through horrible things in her life, she got into that life of drugs and alcohol too..I seen her take her first needle..I remember those things..and yet today...she been cleaning 13yrs this October...my mom has pulled through and she did it just in time..because just a year after my father died of his drug overdose...and she been clean ever since...and yes she still has struggles but it's all emotional struggles..she dont got any addicitons..she is not doing drugs, she is not drinking and that's been for thirteen years..she helps run the A.A. meetings she's an amazing woman of strength...and Im really proud of her...
so see..there is pain on both sides of seeing all these drugs take over the lives of those I love. my older sister would be another example she been on the streets for decade and she still alive but she is not looking so good..and I believe strongly that she will make it and she will pull through all these painful things in her life...she is a survivor and yes she been through alot too...far more worse then ANYONE could ever imagine but I love her and always have and always will..and when she says she ready to quick all that stuff I will be the first one to walk her through the door or whatever..she can make it..she is a survivor...
lots on my mind I guess...but I know that I'll make it at whatever I decide to do...
as I leave I want to leave this quote I read on the internet...
"My will shall shape the future. whether I fail or succeed, shall be no mans doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; My responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my Destiny."
Awesome!!
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