the letter/package has been sent... what an unbelievable weird experience.. Im not even sure what I'm wanting to say in the package...I also can't believe the journal entries I found at random... it's hard to go through the journals an a part of me doesn't want to do it all.. I just want to burn them and forget I ever lived whatever life that once was.. but I'm not exactly there yet.. so for now I slowly randomly read through them..
I had some rough days recently... I for the first time... became anxious at the reality of my life.. for the first time in a long time.. and no one would really believe I'd say this.. with the way I speak about cutting, the way I speak about this deep addiction/deep desire and need for the blade that I use for cutting.. for what seems to be the first time in a long time... I stopped carrying it (blade), I stopped allowing that piece hold me down, or give me the urge to continue to scar up my left arm... and for the first time recently I had regretted letting the blade go, and I purposely refused to come home because I knew if I did... the feeling... the relief, the love and admiration (distorted or not) there is no deeper connection for me an that stupid blade... so I refused to let myself fall back into that place, and even when I did come home I waited a few days, but the anxiety grew because for the first time I had forgotten where I put the blade.. so I found it, and have it visible at home.. but I still don't carry it with me.
I don't know what other things I do to avoid cutting, I'm guessing it's just my other addiction of zoning out, of not carrying about the world or feeling of numbness..which is similar to the feeling I get from cutting... just to feel that blade cut my arm... man alive. I hate to say that out loud but there is no greater, as that has been my one addiction since I think 15yrs... so for me to leave that at home, and to be able to stand on my own..it's pretty serious ground for me.
I know the letter I sent.. I told her... (my lady) I told her she doesn't have to worry about me anymore... that if we never spoke again, that she could know fully that "I choose life" and for me that is the biggest accomplishment to not hate my life, to not want and think and desire death... to be able to stand my ground... I had this picture of what that looked like... for so long I looked like I was on the edge, ready to die, ready to jump... and for the first time, I stand close to the edge but with courage in my heart, love in my soul and I want to live.
Honestly don't feel that way at this moment... but this is generally my life now... choosing to live.. and choosing to struggle but choosing to break through all these obstacles believing maybe.. I'll get there one day..
I'm psychotic I know! lol dangerous not! loved and cared for absolutely..
It's bringing up a lot of ideas for me... thinking of my lady and her reading that letter... I put so much into it... to say the right thing, or to be me... and to share those pieces of my journal that expressed my ultimate love and gratitude for the amazing woman she is, I could and will never love anyone more than I love her! and that's a terrible thing to say I know.. because obviously I'll find love one day but I guess I'll admit.. I'm not talking about that kind of love, but something deeper, something pure and something unconditional..
I actually had the right insane words to say.. but I didn't have a pen to write them in the letter I sent.. so I saved it in my phone.. what do you think? insane?
"Love you for now, forever and for always. unconditional, without judgement; no regrets, love you"
maybe i heard that somewhere? I don't know.. but when I said it out loud while driving cause I was trying to remember it word for word.. I was trying to think of why i love her, how I love her..there is nothing more beautiful then the love I have for that one woman across the country.. no matter what she has done, will do, or becomes, I'll love her... unconditionally without judgement, and no regret. INSANE! I know... but if only the whole story was a movie!
She wrote how I was the butterfly, and how the beast would one day lose it's hold on me!. and although I feel it..deep deep within me, the beast that lurks in my hurt and anger... I have maybe controlled it, but it's not a butterfly that's flourishing within me, that's too beautiful.. I'm more magnificent, more unique and yes I mean the Phoenix, rising from the ashes, rising from the darkness. no matter what anyone says about who I am, and what I've done, or am going to do! I will always rise from the ashes, I'll always move forward.
but like a psycho.. I'm also fully prepared and ready to die.. if the world ended tomorrow, if I died tomorrow... I'm ready for that.. because I have loved, I have lost, and I have lived. I'm glad to have lived all these wonderful years, and hated some of those years,but rising from the ashes and being as unique and beautiful there is nothing greater.
I look in the mirror and i don't know how I ever... thought it would never get better.. I remember those dark days, and yet here I am... I could still be in darkness, but I have the courage, strength, and love to pull through it.. I am moving forward!
I even had a dream about one day meeting that special someone, and I can't even remember who they were, but I remember the way I felt... so maybe it'll happen... maybe... it could be good... for a little while!
I miss you my lady! 143
Tuesday, July 18, 2017
Sunday, July 9, 2017
Butterfly....is actually Phoenix
a couple weeks ago my sister found some journals.. I've been collecting them... I am hoping to burn them... some dark stuff in the journals, and also a lot of truth in them.. I spent about 8 yrs writing about one very important person... I talked about "my lady" the woman I believe was sent to me, and saved my life... and not literally saved my life, but believed in me, and stood by me through hellish times, and never gave up on me.
I honestly wholeheartedly am psychotic but I believe that this relationship is ended.. I haven't spoken to her in about 3 months, I think of her everyday, and I miss her everyday. but for the first time in my life... I'm not desiring to be "saved" by anyone, i'm in a place for the first time that I am ok with my life; I have no imminent thoughts to commit suicide I feel ok with my life.. I do feel a loss with this relationship ending.. But I've written her a letter, I'm sending her two gifts. one is something I said I'd send her, and the second I'm hoping I can make into something beautiful to always remind her of what was...?! IdK it's like my youtube video that I never made! a constant idea or thought of some sort of creativity that never ends up happening..but maybe this will.
Its actually pretty sad.. I read some journal entries about my past and I just can't believe who i used to be you know? how did I ever think that way? or how did I ever make it through those terrible times, and why has this happened to me!
I added a picture of a note that I wrote... so many years ago... I don't remember the context of why I said what I did, but I'll tell you I've never understood why "my lady" had stayed in my life, why she remained by my side, and why she wouldn't have left for all the fucked up times.. the late night calls that I was in the hospital again, or when I created the 14 inch gash on my arm, she was there... and I could not hurt her more than that.. and yet.. even inspite of that she remained, she came to the hospital, she loved me, and cared for me... nothing can be more beautiful than that friendship
anyway the note basically is her telling me that she believed in me.. and that she knew "the beast" was at whirwind of wanting to destroy my life and end it.. but that there is also something else within me that is fighting for life, otherwise why did i call for help, why did I let her stay in my life.. and she always said things like... its name is butterfly.. and I guess for a while I believed that.. but as time has gone by.. I believe it's something else!
I love and don't remember how it all came to life...but when I found out about the Phoenix and found out "rising from ashes" a huge transformation that cannot be described.. I decided this was me.. I have risen from darkness, risen from the ashes.. I am not where I was, and I'm soaring to a beautiful future that cannot be described yet..
Anyway.. I'm off topic... I'm changed.. I'm not who I was 8 years ago, and as much as I want to move back to Ontario to be with "my lady" reality is... we aren't who we were... she and I have lots of dreams and hopes and common ground but we're in different places in our lives,.. and our lives are also no longer intertwined, we are in different provinces, different lives, and she is likely happy where she is! and I'm not happy but I know that I'm not thinking of dying tomorrow.
I have made new friend. and I have survived this 3 months with that friend. I know that I can and will find my destiny, and I'll never forget "my lady" we are forever branded with matching tattoos, and one day when she needs me.. I'll be there for her.
so soon... when I have the money. I'll send her gift... and let that be it.. there is no reason to cry, because it is a good thing....I don't need her, she doesn't need me. we are free to live our lives, and not worry about one another.. and comparing that to eight years ago, it's incredible. if someone knew who she was back then and see where she's at now.. its a beautiful world we live in!
I will always and forever love her.. but I can love her and not have her in my life. we will love and be loved, we will share pieces of our hearts with one another and have those beautiful memories.. regardless moving on, moving forward..
KMF 8385
Phoenix
Saturday, July 1, 2017
unknown citizen
I don't think anyone reading would understand an ordeal that I went there so many years ago! I don't know who I was back then, or what it is that's inside of me that wants to die (beast of burden) a darkness hidden within myself..
about 8 yrs ago... i went out to drink with some friends, I was just getting over my ex gf and she happened to be there.. and I wanted her to miss me so bad, or at least be able to handle hanging out with me with no strings attached, or IDK! what I was trying to do. so I decided to buy all the liquor for us all, and I tried to not get wasted.. I tried not to drink so much.. without knowing it.. the liquor had hit me... and everyone wanted me to buy more... and I said no... and that's the last thing I remember...
I woke up in the hospital.. handcuffed to a bed... with a strong urge to pee... i was released from handcuff to pee, and I had asked if someone had hurt me.. what had happened.. next thing I know I'm seeing a plastic surgeon to discuss the 14 inch gash on my arm... and to see if they need to repair something ?
After that... I spent 3 weeks in psychiatric care... I was for the first time... being forced to deal with "the beast" the darkness.. forced to name the thing that was buried within me, that every time I drank that I wanted to die... as I sat in the hospital bed.. IDK if it was the radio on or how I heard this one song...of course! The Rolling Stones "beast of burden" I decided or a light came on.. and I decided that's what my darkness will be called, that's what whatever is inside me that wants to die, that wants to watch the world burn, or wants me to burn.. it's going to be called the beast of burden!
I spent the 3 weeks in the hospital... bandage change every other day.. and I was so ashamed... so utterly ashamed of what had happened that I couldn't look at the wound.. I couldn't bare to see what it was... I did let my lady see it... she came and visited me in the hospital and all. My lady was my anchor and I know that no one is allowed to be given the responsibility... or no one should be put in the light like that, but I was broken! I was shattered and I was seeking, searching, yearning for a purpose.. and to look into her beautiful eyes, to have her wrap her arms around me, or tell me she loved me. nothing could ever be more fulfilling, to know that of all the people in the entire world this woman loved me, she loved me without limits, unconditionally, and without judgement.. she gave up a lot for me, she was there for me for everything..
Anyway... that's the story... of who I was.. the most significant painful thing I've ever done... maybe.. at least one of them..
but... the surgery I had in May of this year... has triggered me...
I'm sorry to the whole world of my friends who don't know that this has been a rocky road... to bring up memories, thoughts, moments that I can't and will never forget...
so I know someone in the police force.... my job allows me to connect with them... and so I decided to ask.. for the first time in 8 yrs.. I asked a police officer about the incident that night..
there was an UNKNOWN CITIZEN that saved my life...
as I stood or sat there bleeding to death on my forearm... this unknown citizen not only came to my aid, they were the one that called police, ambulance!
do you know I was with about 6 people... that night... supposedly my friends.. and not one of them was there with me.. not one of them helped me.. not one of them asked if I survived..
this unknown citizen applied pressure to my wound, and waited with me till help arrived and then that person left the scene.. and the only reason I know this person existed.. was because I called my lady... and I left a message... IDK what the message was, but it was the worst message anyone could ever leave, my lady won't tell me what I said, or what was happening..except to say it haunted her... how horrible the message was. and inspite of that..she said she could hear someone in the back round asking if I needed help, and that they were going to call 911.
SO I decided to ask the police for the report... detailed as can be... because I was blacked out when this all went down.. I don't remember anything... and honestly a part of me is grateful.. because it hurts...so much.. just writing these words out.. my eyes well up, and my heart thumps harder... because it's hard for me to talk about.
so the police report.. stated that there were three witnesses, who heard me crying screaming and bleeding. there were a couple of people who were allegedly my friends who gave statements stating that I was planing on killing myself.. and that I had cut myself with my work razors..
Unfortunately back then.. I was in construction... and I accidentally left work... that day.. with 100 super sharp razors in my back pocket.. I didn't realize it till I was far away.. I thought I'd be ok with just keeping them in my pocket.. and that was what I used to cut my arm..
1/2 and inch away from my major artery.. I survived..
it's hard to think about.. and yet... honestly... I want it to go Viral. I want that Unknown citizen to know that I survived.. not only did I survive..but that I'm not that person anymore. that i've changed my life... and I don't allow certain people in my life.. because it's not who I am anymore.. and it's sometimes hard to be this person.. but I refuse! I refuse to let "the beast" come to life! I don't care what's going on in my life! I can't let that happen...because I'm fuckin terrified! there's nothing scarier.. no nightmare, no under bed problems, this is the worst fear of my life! to know there is something deep within me, that wants to die! wants to take a blade, a pill, an accident, a bridge, a fall, or whatever...it wants me to die... the fight within me is tough and sometimes unbearable.
but I can't give up! I was and am here for a reason!
I don't know why I need to write about it...except to say I'm feeling triggered and I'm having a hard time right now... and I know people think "Just get over it" imagine where I was, and how it feels, and wait..don't imagine! just let me feel what I feel...and work through it..or not.. work through it. let me fail or succeed whatever I do.. it's on me..
To the Unknown Citizen
Thank you for saving my life!
about 8 yrs ago... i went out to drink with some friends, I was just getting over my ex gf and she happened to be there.. and I wanted her to miss me so bad, or at least be able to handle hanging out with me with no strings attached, or IDK! what I was trying to do. so I decided to buy all the liquor for us all, and I tried to not get wasted.. I tried not to drink so much.. without knowing it.. the liquor had hit me... and everyone wanted me to buy more... and I said no... and that's the last thing I remember...
I woke up in the hospital.. handcuffed to a bed... with a strong urge to pee... i was released from handcuff to pee, and I had asked if someone had hurt me.. what had happened.. next thing I know I'm seeing a plastic surgeon to discuss the 14 inch gash on my arm... and to see if they need to repair something ?
After that... I spent 3 weeks in psychiatric care... I was for the first time... being forced to deal with "the beast" the darkness.. forced to name the thing that was buried within me, that every time I drank that I wanted to die... as I sat in the hospital bed.. IDK if it was the radio on or how I heard this one song...of course! The Rolling Stones "beast of burden" I decided or a light came on.. and I decided that's what my darkness will be called, that's what whatever is inside me that wants to die, that wants to watch the world burn, or wants me to burn.. it's going to be called the beast of burden!
I spent the 3 weeks in the hospital... bandage change every other day.. and I was so ashamed... so utterly ashamed of what had happened that I couldn't look at the wound.. I couldn't bare to see what it was... I did let my lady see it... she came and visited me in the hospital and all. My lady was my anchor and I know that no one is allowed to be given the responsibility... or no one should be put in the light like that, but I was broken! I was shattered and I was seeking, searching, yearning for a purpose.. and to look into her beautiful eyes, to have her wrap her arms around me, or tell me she loved me. nothing could ever be more fulfilling, to know that of all the people in the entire world this woman loved me, she loved me without limits, unconditionally, and without judgement.. she gave up a lot for me, she was there for me for everything..
Anyway... that's the story... of who I was.. the most significant painful thing I've ever done... maybe.. at least one of them..
but... the surgery I had in May of this year... has triggered me...
I'm sorry to the whole world of my friends who don't know that this has been a rocky road... to bring up memories, thoughts, moments that I can't and will never forget...
so I know someone in the police force.... my job allows me to connect with them... and so I decided to ask.. for the first time in 8 yrs.. I asked a police officer about the incident that night..
there was an UNKNOWN CITIZEN that saved my life...
as I stood or sat there bleeding to death on my forearm... this unknown citizen not only came to my aid, they were the one that called police, ambulance!
do you know I was with about 6 people... that night... supposedly my friends.. and not one of them was there with me.. not one of them helped me.. not one of them asked if I survived..
this unknown citizen applied pressure to my wound, and waited with me till help arrived and then that person left the scene.. and the only reason I know this person existed.. was because I called my lady... and I left a message... IDK what the message was, but it was the worst message anyone could ever leave, my lady won't tell me what I said, or what was happening..except to say it haunted her... how horrible the message was. and inspite of that..she said she could hear someone in the back round asking if I needed help, and that they were going to call 911.
SO I decided to ask the police for the report... detailed as can be... because I was blacked out when this all went down.. I don't remember anything... and honestly a part of me is grateful.. because it hurts...so much.. just writing these words out.. my eyes well up, and my heart thumps harder... because it's hard for me to talk about.
so the police report.. stated that there were three witnesses, who heard me crying screaming and bleeding. there were a couple of people who were allegedly my friends who gave statements stating that I was planing on killing myself.. and that I had cut myself with my work razors..
Unfortunately back then.. I was in construction... and I accidentally left work... that day.. with 100 super sharp razors in my back pocket.. I didn't realize it till I was far away.. I thought I'd be ok with just keeping them in my pocket.. and that was what I used to cut my arm..
1/2 and inch away from my major artery.. I survived..
it's hard to think about.. and yet... honestly... I want it to go Viral. I want that Unknown citizen to know that I survived.. not only did I survive..but that I'm not that person anymore. that i've changed my life... and I don't allow certain people in my life.. because it's not who I am anymore.. and it's sometimes hard to be this person.. but I refuse! I refuse to let "the beast" come to life! I don't care what's going on in my life! I can't let that happen...because I'm fuckin terrified! there's nothing scarier.. no nightmare, no under bed problems, this is the worst fear of my life! to know there is something deep within me, that wants to die! wants to take a blade, a pill, an accident, a bridge, a fall, or whatever...it wants me to die... the fight within me is tough and sometimes unbearable.
but I can't give up! I was and am here for a reason!
I don't know why I need to write about it...except to say I'm feeling triggered and I'm having a hard time right now... and I know people think "Just get over it" imagine where I was, and how it feels, and wait..don't imagine! just let me feel what I feel...and work through it..or not.. work through it. let me fail or succeed whatever I do.. it's on me..
To the Unknown Citizen
Thank you for saving my life!
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
joker/batman/superman
I'm still addicted to the idea of super heroes, yes Joker is in that mix.. because as much as we all hope to be like superman or batman, realistically we or I am all crazy inside anyway. haha
I'm having a hard time right now.. and it's hard to explain.. except to say that I bailed on my sister and friend today, because I am exhausted... not just from working..but from helping others, and wanting to be there for people... when realizing and knowing full heartedly that I'm an introvert! I value and thrive and recharge by moments of being alone, and spending time by myself, enjoying watching my favourite movies "suicide squad" and "batman vs superman" haha this is what recharges the whatever that it is that makes me or allows me to enjoy the world again..
I almost lost it today! to the point that I wanted to turn off my phone and just screw it all together but I couldn't.. cause of course I'm addicted to my phone but also knowing no one really messages me. I basically got mad at everyone who messaged me! and my first thought was ice cream! haha I wanted to go. but things didn't work out, and because it was a nice day! i knew I had to come home and hide away.
the world is changed so much! and even my family dynamics have changed, I've been there at home a bit more, and its hard! I love my family, and with my sisters pregnancy i do want to be there for her you know. but it's hard.. and at the same time.. she's got rarely anyone.. only because no one wanted her to have the baby... we all wanted her to stop! but she didn't and she thought her idiot boyfriend would be there. and i told her.. i knew and seen what would happen just like every young couple they broke up, he's in a new relationship and threatening to take the baby that hasn't even been born. almost to say all my sisters hard work into working on herself, and cleaning herself up, and trying to get housing, and not using drugs blah blah blah! and yet she's having a hard time keeping it together, so I've been trying! trying so hard to help her but its hard.. I don't know anything about children, pregnancy or anything actually! because I've never and will never go through this experience.
anyway I'm trying.. and it's hard because I feel like i'm getting sick! I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.. and I need a break.. unfortunately the only break I have is in August, so I'm going to have to find a way to make it till then.. I'm hoping that means things like skydiving.. or even getting a tattoo!
I'm conflicted with my tattoo ideas! i have three tattoo ideas, and one of them I'd have to pay someone to create it which is awesome, but what shall it be... I know it's a good idea to add some tradition into my tattoo, but in something that would honour my dad.. honour my uncle, honour the men in my life.. that have died.. but have left an imprint on my life! I don't know what that looks like yet.. but I can tell you Father's day was hard for me!
no matter what I do and how much I pretend that Shi* doesn't hurt.. it still does... my uncle's birthday was june 13 I mean would have been... and he's gone.. and that was hard for me.. and then father's day was terrible. I mean it was good in the sense that I had dinner with my brothers and my best friends, and that was good.. but it's not reality of all the garbage of people celebrating that day! and then when I hear people complain about their parents I just want to shake them! scream at them! do you know what it's like to lose a parent, to have to celebrate these shitty years without them! to have to remember their birthdays, or the day they died or fathers day! imagine how that feels!
should be grateful! I will tell you right now! I'm absolutely grateful to have my mother! the strongest woman I've ever known! no matter how hard her life got, she never turned her life into chaos, she didn't stay in addiction, she decided made the decision to love her kids, and she decided to turn from drugs and alcohol and now...I believe 22 years later clean and sober.. and raised 6 kids on her own. and she is still working and volunteering in the very community that she once was a part of in the sense of once she lived down there, once she drank in that bar, once she staggered through those streets and yet here she is! she is a the executive director of a AFD, she still volunteers at places, and is well known within the community! if it were up to me she should get a reward
although she doesn't like material things! believe me.. I've gotten her almost everything in the book, she likes appreciation in the little things.. just to make her smile there's nothing like that in the world, or on christmas when I bought her the ring with all her children birth stones. she absolutely loved it and wanted that! she likes to tell people about that..
anyway i love my mom! and a lot of people say I'm like my mother in the sense that i'm working in the same community, and I don't drink, and I try and be a good example.. I fail and fall short sometimes but I'm human... I do the best I can when I can..
Regardless I guess.. according to my old counsellor.. we all are our own heroes, we all have it within ourselves to make it through hardships and make it through these difficult days.. I'm having a hard time remembering that because it's been an unbelievable time lately there's no way to express what I'm going through, or what I'm feeling.. I wish I could have it easier just for a short time you know? let something good happen.. let wonder woman save my life! lol let her make my day for a day! or a month or a week. haha
IDK... what should I do... where should I go! let me marry that woman in Germany and let me be happy! lol at least in my dreams tonight, or someone get me a ticket, and tell her to marry me! haha like Johnny Cash asked June Carter! "Marry me, you're my best friend" haha
YOLO
I'm having a hard time right now.. and it's hard to explain.. except to say that I bailed on my sister and friend today, because I am exhausted... not just from working..but from helping others, and wanting to be there for people... when realizing and knowing full heartedly that I'm an introvert! I value and thrive and recharge by moments of being alone, and spending time by myself, enjoying watching my favourite movies "suicide squad" and "batman vs superman" haha this is what recharges the whatever that it is that makes me or allows me to enjoy the world again..
I almost lost it today! to the point that I wanted to turn off my phone and just screw it all together but I couldn't.. cause of course I'm addicted to my phone but also knowing no one really messages me. I basically got mad at everyone who messaged me! and my first thought was ice cream! haha I wanted to go. but things didn't work out, and because it was a nice day! i knew I had to come home and hide away.
the world is changed so much! and even my family dynamics have changed, I've been there at home a bit more, and its hard! I love my family, and with my sisters pregnancy i do want to be there for her you know. but it's hard.. and at the same time.. she's got rarely anyone.. only because no one wanted her to have the baby... we all wanted her to stop! but she didn't and she thought her idiot boyfriend would be there. and i told her.. i knew and seen what would happen just like every young couple they broke up, he's in a new relationship and threatening to take the baby that hasn't even been born. almost to say all my sisters hard work into working on herself, and cleaning herself up, and trying to get housing, and not using drugs blah blah blah! and yet she's having a hard time keeping it together, so I've been trying! trying so hard to help her but its hard.. I don't know anything about children, pregnancy or anything actually! because I've never and will never go through this experience.
anyway I'm trying.. and it's hard because I feel like i'm getting sick! I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.. and I need a break.. unfortunately the only break I have is in August, so I'm going to have to find a way to make it till then.. I'm hoping that means things like skydiving.. or even getting a tattoo!
I'm conflicted with my tattoo ideas! i have three tattoo ideas, and one of them I'd have to pay someone to create it which is awesome, but what shall it be... I know it's a good idea to add some tradition into my tattoo, but in something that would honour my dad.. honour my uncle, honour the men in my life.. that have died.. but have left an imprint on my life! I don't know what that looks like yet.. but I can tell you Father's day was hard for me!
no matter what I do and how much I pretend that Shi* doesn't hurt.. it still does... my uncle's birthday was june 13 I mean would have been... and he's gone.. and that was hard for me.. and then father's day was terrible. I mean it was good in the sense that I had dinner with my brothers and my best friends, and that was good.. but it's not reality of all the garbage of people celebrating that day! and then when I hear people complain about their parents I just want to shake them! scream at them! do you know what it's like to lose a parent, to have to celebrate these shitty years without them! to have to remember their birthdays, or the day they died or fathers day! imagine how that feels!
should be grateful! I will tell you right now! I'm absolutely grateful to have my mother! the strongest woman I've ever known! no matter how hard her life got, she never turned her life into chaos, she didn't stay in addiction, she decided made the decision to love her kids, and she decided to turn from drugs and alcohol and now...I believe 22 years later clean and sober.. and raised 6 kids on her own. and she is still working and volunteering in the very community that she once was a part of in the sense of once she lived down there, once she drank in that bar, once she staggered through those streets and yet here she is! she is a the executive director of a AFD, she still volunteers at places, and is well known within the community! if it were up to me she should get a reward
although she doesn't like material things! believe me.. I've gotten her almost everything in the book, she likes appreciation in the little things.. just to make her smile there's nothing like that in the world, or on christmas when I bought her the ring with all her children birth stones. she absolutely loved it and wanted that! she likes to tell people about that..
anyway i love my mom! and a lot of people say I'm like my mother in the sense that i'm working in the same community, and I don't drink, and I try and be a good example.. I fail and fall short sometimes but I'm human... I do the best I can when I can..
Regardless I guess.. according to my old counsellor.. we all are our own heroes, we all have it within ourselves to make it through hardships and make it through these difficult days.. I'm having a hard time remembering that because it's been an unbelievable time lately there's no way to express what I'm going through, or what I'm feeling.. I wish I could have it easier just for a short time you know? let something good happen.. let wonder woman save my life! lol let her make my day for a day! or a month or a week. haha
IDK... what should I do... where should I go! let me marry that woman in Germany and let me be happy! lol at least in my dreams tonight, or someone get me a ticket, and tell her to marry me! haha like Johnny Cash asked June Carter! "Marry me, you're my best friend" haha
YOLO
Sunday, June 4, 2017
Searching for a Hero
I recently heard that a country or town or city... named Wonder Woman the ambassador in an effort to raise awareness.
As crazy as it sounds I think it might inspire people to want to rise up might want to make women, girls look up to something, be inspired by something.. not a person who definitely would let us down. I mean people are flawed... all people are.. but a fictional character that was created in what seemed a time of chaos who can say no to that? not that we all have to become warriors, or that we have to pretend to be invincible, but that we could maybe fight for those who are defenceless, to have experiences we normally wouldn't have.. because we're always told not allowed, or it's not accepted.. etc.. but Wonder Woman was a woman who had a pure and beautiful heart, and she came out in a time where the world was at war, and she in fictional place defeated all else, and rose up, and inspired others.
What's wrong with that as a inspiration? it's not like people think Superman is real, but we all admire and love his love for people, and his strength and speed, his heat vision, and his experiences. obviously no one in the world is Superman, but we all want to be like him! and even remembering if God is real he wanted us all in his image. Think about Superman? think about Wonder Woman? God "Like" creations, obviously there's a reason for them. and maybe we'll never be those types of heroes but we will definitely save someone one day, when it is our time...
Just like that woman for the life of me.. I can't remember her name.. while I was standing on the ledge, ready to jump.. I was ready to end my entire life and for whatever reason she walked into it.. yes she's only a negotiator but she saved my life... she helped me think outside the box, helped me see this wasn't the end and that I could choose something else.. and for whatever reason I listened, likely cause I was scared of dying, but she helped me... and I'll forever be grateful to her for what she did. and even as we were leaving the ledge, she asked me "why did you listen to me" what made me change my mind.. and I admit it.. she did.. she really brought me back from the clutches of a dark time.
and that goes with my lady too... she helped me through a difficult time.. and I still honestly believe that time has ended with her.. .because she is living a beautiful life where ever she is.. and I'll always remember her, I've got the tattoos to prove that. but i know and believe moving on is what's best for both of us
as for heroes.. i think the point of it all is we all have a hero inside of us, and maybe even just to save ourselves... to decide to put the blade down? to decide to make the call and ask for help, or to even decide not to eat that junk food, or have another drink... it's all the littler things, these attention to detail, and without even noticing it... realizing people were watching the entire time, and are inspired by the little things... not big gestures, just us being us..
I think... if I'm going to survive this time in my life... I'm going to have to find the hero within myself, because no one else can save me. a part of me wants to give up..
Thinking of the two face... one side was he himself, and the other was destruction and insanity... I feel like that's what i'll be... for now... a part of me wants to live, but theres this other piece of me that just wants to watch it all burn, let my life go up in smoke.. all my possessions, and all my life over and gone.
I'm struggling with this.. and I'm hiding it really well, and filling the void with anything and everything... I guess I'm just confused... what is my purpose... and when will I find someone else to love! get these crazy thoughts gone... when can someone love me..
when can I change? and change the world? Is it even possible.
As crazy as it sounds I think it might inspire people to want to rise up might want to make women, girls look up to something, be inspired by something.. not a person who definitely would let us down. I mean people are flawed... all people are.. but a fictional character that was created in what seemed a time of chaos who can say no to that? not that we all have to become warriors, or that we have to pretend to be invincible, but that we could maybe fight for those who are defenceless, to have experiences we normally wouldn't have.. because we're always told not allowed, or it's not accepted.. etc.. but Wonder Woman was a woman who had a pure and beautiful heart, and she came out in a time where the world was at war, and she in fictional place defeated all else, and rose up, and inspired others.
What's wrong with that as a inspiration? it's not like people think Superman is real, but we all admire and love his love for people, and his strength and speed, his heat vision, and his experiences. obviously no one in the world is Superman, but we all want to be like him! and even remembering if God is real he wanted us all in his image. Think about Superman? think about Wonder Woman? God "Like" creations, obviously there's a reason for them. and maybe we'll never be those types of heroes but we will definitely save someone one day, when it is our time...
Just like that woman for the life of me.. I can't remember her name.. while I was standing on the ledge, ready to jump.. I was ready to end my entire life and for whatever reason she walked into it.. yes she's only a negotiator but she saved my life... she helped me think outside the box, helped me see this wasn't the end and that I could choose something else.. and for whatever reason I listened, likely cause I was scared of dying, but she helped me... and I'll forever be grateful to her for what she did. and even as we were leaving the ledge, she asked me "why did you listen to me" what made me change my mind.. and I admit it.. she did.. she really brought me back from the clutches of a dark time.
and that goes with my lady too... she helped me through a difficult time.. and I still honestly believe that time has ended with her.. .because she is living a beautiful life where ever she is.. and I'll always remember her, I've got the tattoos to prove that. but i know and believe moving on is what's best for both of us
as for heroes.. i think the point of it all is we all have a hero inside of us, and maybe even just to save ourselves... to decide to put the blade down? to decide to make the call and ask for help, or to even decide not to eat that junk food, or have another drink... it's all the littler things, these attention to detail, and without even noticing it... realizing people were watching the entire time, and are inspired by the little things... not big gestures, just us being us..
I think... if I'm going to survive this time in my life... I'm going to have to find the hero within myself, because no one else can save me. a part of me wants to give up..
Thinking of the two face... one side was he himself, and the other was destruction and insanity... I feel like that's what i'll be... for now... a part of me wants to live, but theres this other piece of me that just wants to watch it all burn, let my life go up in smoke.. all my possessions, and all my life over and gone.
I'm struggling with this.. and I'm hiding it really well, and filling the void with anything and everything... I guess I'm just confused... what is my purpose... and when will I find someone else to love! get these crazy thoughts gone... when can someone love me..
when can I change? and change the world? Is it even possible.
Saturday, June 3, 2017
sentimental shit
I am thinking about a lot of things today... Mainly about my lady, the one woman who has stood by me for I think 8 yrs.. she has moved to Ontario.. And I'm thinking about all those years of my life.. Why or how did I find someone so amazing?
we met one another in our darkest days... she was struggling with a lot of different things, and I was struggling with a lot more different things... and I feel like we were the oddest friends but our one passion kept us together, we wanted to change the world..
I literally drained her beyond all things... all my texts, calls, hospital visits, cutting, suicidal shit. I was a nightmare for anyone, and honestly a lot of people bounced out of my life, because I was crazy, and if people knew why it all came together I think it would have changed a lot of things, but there's too much to be ashamed about that I couldn't imagine showing that part of my life.
I think the world says... not to be the hero complex, we can't save everyone... and no matter what I did to my lady, she would still be there by my side, and she never left me.. I haven't met anyone like her, and I can't believe how heavy it's on my heart.. I wish I could tell her what's up.. but I don't know.. out of fear? out of pride? out of not wanting her to know what's going on for me... I'm avoiding her, not that I can actually avoid her, but that I stopped messaging her, I stopped trying to get whatever..
instead I'm clinging to my own self... hoping that this mindset, hoping that this feeling is temporary an that I can survive it all.. I've been through it so many times before, I know it's possible I just have to try.
I don't wish for anything to be different I think it is whatever it is.. and I think that all my purpose, all my dreams, all my shit is up to me... it's not dependant on anyone making or coming forward. it's on my own will to survive... and sadly we all have that will to survive whatever comes up.. for whatever reason we're afraid of the unknown.. I'd say that's my biggest hindrance is not knowing what will happen when it comes to an end.. but believing so strongly it will be better than what I'm living like now.
I think I want help... I want help getting a clearer mind, getting help for whatever addictions that I'm enduring.. I just want to somehow survive... but at the same time... I honestly believe this is a constant state of being... a constant place, a cycle of beast like behaviour that I'm not sure can be escaped.. what if it's like this forever a constant need or desire to just "watch the world crash and burn" watch my life go up in flames? Maybe I'm the only one who sees these things and I just don't see a reason to keep moving forward that every time I move forward I always come back to this place.
I miss her. I miss me.. I miss us.. I miss my happiness... I miss what it felt like to actually have a purpose, have a goal! I miss wanting to change the world!
we met one another in our darkest days... she was struggling with a lot of different things, and I was struggling with a lot more different things... and I feel like we were the oddest friends but our one passion kept us together, we wanted to change the world..
I literally drained her beyond all things... all my texts, calls, hospital visits, cutting, suicidal shit. I was a nightmare for anyone, and honestly a lot of people bounced out of my life, because I was crazy, and if people knew why it all came together I think it would have changed a lot of things, but there's too much to be ashamed about that I couldn't imagine showing that part of my life.
I think the world says... not to be the hero complex, we can't save everyone... and no matter what I did to my lady, she would still be there by my side, and she never left me.. I haven't met anyone like her, and I can't believe how heavy it's on my heart.. I wish I could tell her what's up.. but I don't know.. out of fear? out of pride? out of not wanting her to know what's going on for me... I'm avoiding her, not that I can actually avoid her, but that I stopped messaging her, I stopped trying to get whatever..
instead I'm clinging to my own self... hoping that this mindset, hoping that this feeling is temporary an that I can survive it all.. I've been through it so many times before, I know it's possible I just have to try.
I don't wish for anything to be different I think it is whatever it is.. and I think that all my purpose, all my dreams, all my shit is up to me... it's not dependant on anyone making or coming forward. it's on my own will to survive... and sadly we all have that will to survive whatever comes up.. for whatever reason we're afraid of the unknown.. I'd say that's my biggest hindrance is not knowing what will happen when it comes to an end.. but believing so strongly it will be better than what I'm living like now.
I think I want help... I want help getting a clearer mind, getting help for whatever addictions that I'm enduring.. I just want to somehow survive... but at the same time... I honestly believe this is a constant state of being... a constant place, a cycle of beast like behaviour that I'm not sure can be escaped.. what if it's like this forever a constant need or desire to just "watch the world crash and burn" watch my life go up in flames? Maybe I'm the only one who sees these things and I just don't see a reason to keep moving forward that every time I move forward I always come back to this place.
I miss her. I miss me.. I miss us.. I miss my happiness... I miss what it felt like to actually have a purpose, have a goal! I miss wanting to change the world!
Thursday, June 1, 2017
she has me thinking
So I've been contemplating this life or future or whatever... I hate when I hear that my potential is being wasted but it's absolutely true... apparently I'm a smart cookie... an I should get back into trying to go to school... but I don't know if I can do that... I mean I guess I'll try but I think I can guarantee it's slim to none chance, even if I get into school I would have to find funding..
I still think its easier to make the harder decision and just let everything go.. I don't know why i keep saying that my only explanation is that the "beast" has risen and its scratching at the surface and it's hard to supress how I feel and the feeling of lost... I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know if I should be making changes in my life.. or if I should quit my job and go far away lol not that there is anywhere to go..
I honestly thought about writing my lady... but I've already tried and failed, crashed and burned... so I'm trying to be content with letting go of that whole thing, and to try and prevent her from finding anything out about me. I mean I'll always and forever love her! beyond all things and I'll always want to be there for her... but I think that she is living her life in whatever way she is and it's just time to let that be the situation? I was telling someone that she's given enough! she was there for me in ways no one ever was or is. she will always be a part of the beautiful story of my life, but I also think if she can go and live her life without worrying about me or talking to me why not?I think and maybe being selfish but think it's time to let that story end.. and new one begin or maybe not tell her..
I guess I just don't want her to worry.. I want her to believe everything is fine, and that I'm perfectly happy and content.
It's not like I'm cutting... I mean I've been able to be pretty distracted most of the time, and honestly its just I'm on the fence.. I really think that I've lived a long full life and that it's time to let go.. or just take me away.. I may not have been able to accomplish the 3 things.. but I know some people will do that for me..
I had a hard time hearing that I have this leadership skill, or this wise beyond my years, or something like my reason for existing hasn't revealed itself yet. I honestly just hope that I'm only here for someone else to survive.. like those movies where people give up their lives, give up their hearts, or give up something for someone to make it.. a piece to the puzzle, and to be able to die in that honor.
I'm acting crazy.. I know.. I'm tired..
Tonight I wanted to come home early enough to actually go to sleep! and I was driving and thought man I should pick up some water and some snacks, and cereal! I decided to go to grocery store, and as I was leaving.. this woman that i've seen in the similar circles, and through cultural events.. I seen her as i was leaving, and of course you'd think we'd just say "hi how are you" and have a good night. but her night just got heated up... her keychain broke as she was getting out of her vehicle and she had locked her keys in the vehicle, on top of which she didn't have a spare key, and she locked her phone in the car.. as she was just grabbing a couple items.
so of course.... "superman saviour mode" or a "respect my elders" to try and help. I offered to drive her here and there, I gave her my phone to use, and I did my best. and then I thought maybe someone at my moms house knew how to break into cars! and of course no they didn't but their men they have to try!
so I picked them up... and within 15 to 20 mins... YAY my brother broke into his first vehicle! lol I think i spent and hour with her trying to figure out what to do... I told her to get a spare key... I have one and it's at home.
Anyway. it all worked out... but I thought about it... I'm not exactly sure how i know this woman, aside from being around at friendship centre, or at cultural events, but we don't actually know each other. and when I told her who my mom was she seemed surprised.. but when she found out who my uncle was, she knew who I was? IDK..
so my yeah I'll go home and be in bed on time! didn't work out and my brothers and I helped this woman break into her car! and thankfully she was on her way. I gave her a new key chain that i was using to lock my Naloxone to my bag. but I never used it, so figure this is the perfect opportunity for it to be put to good use. DONE deal
but right there... that was purpose... that was reason for existence.. and that's what I think I need. is there a light is there a future for me.. can I just be given some direction or idea of what it is that i'm meant to do because as much as I love my job I know there is more that I can be doing, and I just want to move forward...or not move at all...
what if this is it? what if there is nothing else other than this because in that sense... I don't want to keep going... I hate my life and the way things are, and how I'm always struggling and can't even afford to survive as a single person. it's driving me crazy! poor people on welfare have it easier than me! YUCK!
Im losing my mind... and I'm losing my sense of belonging? my sense of purpose?
I still think its easier to make the harder decision and just let everything go.. I don't know why i keep saying that my only explanation is that the "beast" has risen and its scratching at the surface and it's hard to supress how I feel and the feeling of lost... I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know if I should be making changes in my life.. or if I should quit my job and go far away lol not that there is anywhere to go..
I honestly thought about writing my lady... but I've already tried and failed, crashed and burned... so I'm trying to be content with letting go of that whole thing, and to try and prevent her from finding anything out about me. I mean I'll always and forever love her! beyond all things and I'll always want to be there for her... but I think that she is living her life in whatever way she is and it's just time to let that be the situation? I was telling someone that she's given enough! she was there for me in ways no one ever was or is. she will always be a part of the beautiful story of my life, but I also think if she can go and live her life without worrying about me or talking to me why not?I think and maybe being selfish but think it's time to let that story end.. and new one begin or maybe not tell her..
I guess I just don't want her to worry.. I want her to believe everything is fine, and that I'm perfectly happy and content.
It's not like I'm cutting... I mean I've been able to be pretty distracted most of the time, and honestly its just I'm on the fence.. I really think that I've lived a long full life and that it's time to let go.. or just take me away.. I may not have been able to accomplish the 3 things.. but I know some people will do that for me..
I had a hard time hearing that I have this leadership skill, or this wise beyond my years, or something like my reason for existing hasn't revealed itself yet. I honestly just hope that I'm only here for someone else to survive.. like those movies where people give up their lives, give up their hearts, or give up something for someone to make it.. a piece to the puzzle, and to be able to die in that honor.
I'm acting crazy.. I know.. I'm tired..
Tonight I wanted to come home early enough to actually go to sleep! and I was driving and thought man I should pick up some water and some snacks, and cereal! I decided to go to grocery store, and as I was leaving.. this woman that i've seen in the similar circles, and through cultural events.. I seen her as i was leaving, and of course you'd think we'd just say "hi how are you" and have a good night. but her night just got heated up... her keychain broke as she was getting out of her vehicle and she had locked her keys in the vehicle, on top of which she didn't have a spare key, and she locked her phone in the car.. as she was just grabbing a couple items.
so of course.... "superman saviour mode" or a "respect my elders" to try and help. I offered to drive her here and there, I gave her my phone to use, and I did my best. and then I thought maybe someone at my moms house knew how to break into cars! and of course no they didn't but their men they have to try!
so I picked them up... and within 15 to 20 mins... YAY my brother broke into his first vehicle! lol I think i spent and hour with her trying to figure out what to do... I told her to get a spare key... I have one and it's at home.
Anyway. it all worked out... but I thought about it... I'm not exactly sure how i know this woman, aside from being around at friendship centre, or at cultural events, but we don't actually know each other. and when I told her who my mom was she seemed surprised.. but when she found out who my uncle was, she knew who I was? IDK..
so my yeah I'll go home and be in bed on time! didn't work out and my brothers and I helped this woman break into her car! and thankfully she was on her way. I gave her a new key chain that i was using to lock my Naloxone to my bag. but I never used it, so figure this is the perfect opportunity for it to be put to good use. DONE deal
but right there... that was purpose... that was reason for existence.. and that's what I think I need. is there a light is there a future for me.. can I just be given some direction or idea of what it is that i'm meant to do because as much as I love my job I know there is more that I can be doing, and I just want to move forward...or not move at all...
what if this is it? what if there is nothing else other than this because in that sense... I don't want to keep going... I hate my life and the way things are, and how I'm always struggling and can't even afford to survive as a single person. it's driving me crazy! poor people on welfare have it easier than me! YUCK!
Im losing my mind... and I'm losing my sense of belonging? my sense of purpose?
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