trauma past

I have to say this somewhere...

Which is crappy to do here. But... it's lingering

A week ago... my kid grandpa showed up for the holidays.  An my kid loves him.  Absolutely loves him. 

Every time... 

Every second

Every pain

Every trauma...

Every history I think I've forgotten....rushes back Every time I see him. 

I dont know if my memory is accurate... but what I recall.  Is that my mom cheated on my dad with this guy.

Not to say my dad wasn't out there doing who knows what. I only know what I saw while living with my mom. 

An when my dad died...

This guy got my mom pregnant. 

An while she was pregnant... he neglected us. He refused food to us. Refused to let us speak to our mom. 

An on several occasions got into physical abuse with my mom an my sister. My sister was also eight months pregnant. 

I remember telling my mom I'm hungry. Or we needed food. As he laid hrr up in hrr room an kept the door shut. An my mom wouldn't come. She didn't care.

An there was an occasion not long after my dad died.

From what my memory serves. He found out she was with someone else. An was broken-hearted 

An not long after he ended up dead in the dtes in stall in hotel.

Anyway

This guy...this guy who was with my mom

He would say horrible things to us. He refused to feed us. An he would lock us away from our mom.  An one time.. he said. "Maybe I should go stick a needle in my arm end up like your dad"

An that has stuck with me . 

I've never had to see this man as an adult. An I honestly grew up with so much hate in my heart. I wanted to kill him. I wanted to beat him up.  An when I became an adult. I realized how tiny this guy is. He cannot overpower me. An More so..both my brothers are like 5'10 idk an 210lbs. Their big guys. Who would never let anyone hurt Me

But when we were kids...

When we were kids..  this guy hurt me. He hurt me in scars in my heart that have never healed.

An now 15-20 yrs later.... my kid is calling him grandpa. An I love you grandpa

I'm trying not to kill him.  Trying not to hate him. 

Karma had found him.  An he is disabled to point if he had to go around a block an come back. He would get lost at the corner an who knows what. 

Like seriously disabled. 

So.. for me...

He is still that monster. He is still a target of all my trauma. Apart from the trauma before him.  

I hadn't as far as I remember... seen a man hit a woman until him. An he was violent. He was aggressive.  He was horrible.

An seeing him now..he's tiny. Fragile. An worthless.

But he makes my kid happy..

.so 

I fight thro my urges to smile an say hello. But man it's hard life.

Cause he brings it back like insanity. I hate him.  An cannot ever forgive him for the pain.. Torment.. torture. An neglect he put us thro. 

feeling taken advantage of

I feel like this is true for so many... but for me..

I've spent my adult life trying to give back to my community. Give back to my family. 

It super shitty honestly.

Alls they ever saw in my disappearance was that I abandoned them..took off to live a new life in Ontario. When reality was... I had given all I could an was ready to take my life. Because in my mind at that time.. was that I thought this was all my life would ever be. 

Constantly being belittled an tormented by moms new bf. And constantly giving up my young years or teenage years to take care of the family. Blah blah blah.

I didn't wanna run. I didn't wanna go across country.

But once I did.

Once I felt the world. Once I felt free.

I didn't wanna come back ever.

An even as I returned. All the turmoil. All the pain. This family had endured for years without telling me. 

An all the need I had to make up for leaving.

Was just too much.

Haven't I given enough.

My life for these past six years. Unbelievable 

My life... completely consumed by this kid.

All of everything I have. Everything I've done to be there for him. Give him everything. Even if I have nothing..

It's so difficult...

It's very true.. 

I could live off welfare. I could earn nothing an just get by.

 But apart from this kid.

I've spent approx 12 yrs of my life working this job. I've bounced around. But my name..my reputation. Have always been solid..

People who speak about me. Can't say I did them wrong. Can't say I said something an did another.

With cutting ties to most of my family. 

I've helped My life do better.

But then... there's my brother. Whom I've helped a lot. An I think about this... how much I've done for him. How much he's helped me. But at the same time.   Thinking maybe reality is he hates me. Because he tells stories. Tells lies. An behind my back he'd stab it for fun. As if not to say. I helped him. Helped him pay bills. Helped him get to a to b. Helped support him to do better.. encouraged him to stop living the way he is.

I have no idea what the word is....when these people. This entire family of mine. Not one of them has a paying job. They all live on welfare..

I vowed in my younger years I wasn't going to live on welfare. But...when I needed to go to school. I had to lean on social assistance. An it helped. But when I finished school. I got a job. 

Unfortunately I left Ontario sometime after to come back here... 

What my life would be today If I hadn't left Ontario. I can't even imagine it because.... my life here in BC has been forever.

I'm giving. Giving. 

An supporting. Encouraging. Etx. An getting shit on. 

Getting friendless.

Getting hurt.

Getting into a dark room.

Dark head space...where I think.....thoughts... but unfortunately I can't...I can't let myself be in that head space an for me to cope with that head space I have to react temporarily to survive.

Someone said I'm a terrible mom

Cause one day me an the kid were talking. An I told him I'm going to die.. one day. An he teared up. An got sad. An I tried to explain this was part of life. An that technically I already died...last year. An that it's just life. An he said he needs me forever.

I got sad.

Cause... in my dark head space. Dark thoughts.

I have to recall this to remind me. What I'd be doing to him if I wasn't here.

Not a clear reason to live forever. But a reason to make it through today 

That is all..

lost in space

Spent last few months unaware of how to properly do the job. I work every day trying to find structure trying to Find proper way of navigate In Between buildings.

Try to tell my team.  That I know what I'm doing without any direction.

I thought I was doing a great job. I thought I brought some structure some organisation for purpose. For the first time in months, I found that my team is going behind my back their talking to my boss about my leadership. Which jeopardizes my job?

Without navigation. Without a goal set in mind. I've spent my time aiming at things..programs. people. Trying to say this is what we're here for. This is what we do..just to find out that they either unintentionally or intentionally spoke to my boss who pulled me aside an told me to take a day off.. 

At first I thought wow. I finally get a day off work. But I honestly just have purpose everyday bringing donations. Bringing leadership idk

I rarely take time off work.

But being told by my boss to take a day off..makes me think someone is saying something.

I'm not too stressed about my job. An now I have to wonder who is speaking to him an what are they saying about me. 

I have all my guards up.. not that I didn't think I could handle these assholes. But that I thought we were on the same page.

It hurt... was a giant reality check. Of knowing that we aren't. That what I say to them. Is or isn't ok..idk..but to not follow protocol.. bs.

And my manager not following protocol. BS

Now I feel alone. Like.... I have no back up.. no one I can turn too. 

I'm angry. I'm hurt. I feel betrayed.

I know now moving forward. Trust no one. 

Which is lame.

I cant even get angry about what they said or did. 

darkness consumes

I've been struggling for a bit...with this pain. This itch. This desire. This hatred for being alive. I think i remember last year I was so grateful to be alive. An now here I am wishing I had died. Or could die.

The pain of living. Of being in this cycle. Having no real dreams. You know how some people dream of moving away into another country. Or want to Vacation in another city.

I have no desires. An even if I did. I feel tied down. Tied down to my life here. 

I had desires to move back to Ontario. But really why..  I wasn't living there. Like I didn't have a job.

I have desires to move up here. Like become a boss in the job I'm in now. 

I have this vision of doing better than all the years we been here. 

An yet

There's this darkness..  it's eating away at me. This desire. Burning desire to hurt myself. To feel pain. Because I feel like I've done so much for everyone. An I'm allegedly friends with so many an yet no one can see me. No one can see the person crying. Screaming for help. Because I' feel like just a shell of a person.

I hardly remember who I ever was. Or if I ever was anyone. 

I had a dream of an old friend. And all I thought yes of course I miss her smile an hugs an ILY. But why the hell was she ever in my life. The toxic shit. The codependency was what she likely was attracted too. I did nothing to help her I did no way support her getting out of where she was. It was a one sided issue. 

I'm losing my mind

No one knows me anymore. I look in the mirror an I dont recognize who is there 

I'm losing my mind..

I read a bs story about this idiot who was so poor etc. 

An thought my life was horrible too. But you won't see me spreading that shit anywhere.

I watched a movie called Bones of Crows. An I thought how much pain an trauma an perseverance. An dedication. The drive to survive through it all.

An to now decades later have a voice.

Alls I thought is I wish my uncles were here to see the movement. 

They both went to Residential School. They both suffered in unspeakable ways. An neither ever had children.

But they loved.   They loved with their hearts. They loved me. They fed me. They took care of me. 

When my parents were off fuckin up their lives they would come an bring groceries. McDonald's. They would make sure I never went hungry. Even though I did a lot. But sometimes I didn't.

An the love.  The love they carried. After surviving such pain. I'm moved..  I'm moved how did they know that love. Cause they loved us. They loved my brothers and I. They protected us. They fed us. An they were pillars of everything to Me.

An now seeing the world acknowledge what happened what happened to them an their not even here... they don't get to see our strength. Our love. Loyalty. Our honor to them 

I grew up without love as well. An somehow. Someway. It found me. It grew like a fire in my soul that has everlasting light. 

I love so much. I care so much. 

So much so that I'll rip my heart out for someone else if they asked. Because I am that kind of person.

An yet...

When I'm hurting. When I feel this feeling. This darkness. I'm trying so hard to fight it. My brain is remembering the matrix. When Neo touched the Mirror. It consumed him

That's what I feel. I feel like the darkness is breaking me down an that my desires my darkness is going to consume me. An I'm fighting. But I'm not telling anyone what is going on I just feel it. Struggle with it on my own. An no one can hear me. No one can see it. An I'm just.. I can't even cry. Alls I wanna do is bleed. Alls I wanna do is hurt. I want to do something so bad. 

I'm struggling 

Please find a way...find a way to keep moving forward. Ugh 

can't sleep

FAFO

I'm struggling to sleep I have so much crap rolling around in my brain 

I recently had my one year anniversary of my death. I died one year ago an was brought back.

In celebration of this

I got a new tattoo

Two days later I dreamt of someone I haven't seen or spoken to in years. I find myself sometimes thinking of her. Reminding myself of her laughter. Or her amazing love. Of standing by me. 

I dreamt of her. An its been engraved in me. Because idk..  idk why. But I can't get it out of my head.

And in that thought I ended up sending some pictures to my partner who's in treatment.

Almost to say I'm thinking of you an although I'm living my life. She is still with me. And I still want to share those moments with her.

An then 3 days later she called me

An now my heart is all flustered an I can't sleep.

I'm surrounded by all these thoughts. All these feelings. All these hopes. All these fears.. she asked to see me. For the first time in a while. 

It made me happy an scared

What if this. What if that. An who knows where seeing one another leads too. An why does she stay.

She currently serving to do better. Live better. Everything to be better. An yet she is clinging to me. Not like tightly but I guess has this idea. Has this hope for our future. 

An I'm out here living my life. Doing my own. Still completely with her like I'm not with anyone else. But I'm also not holding my life not pining away

An now she wants to see me. Wants me to visit. An I'm happy an scared. An what if I'm a disappointment. What if my hair is as crappy. What if she doesn't like this or that. Ugh

It's supposed to be a good thing.

A way to move forward

An I'm scared. 

I talked to a friend about that dream I had. An he said.. was toxic. An I'm like no 

When I guess it was... I relied so heavily on her. I clung to her for reasons to live but under the circumstances I think it made sense. 

But I didn't want that to be our forever. I wanted to be who I am now to who i was then.

But maybe you gotta let go. But maybe if I'm saying that maybe I'm saying that in more ways. Or maybe I'm just freaking crazy.

Cause I loved her. 

She was my world

She was so a reason to live

A reason to want to do better

But I didn't want her to be a forever thing.

I just wanted to appreciate that I had someone.

She had me too

Cause she came to me in her times of need. Sometimes anyway.. 

Dreaming about her. Was great but it made me miss her so damn much..it's the little things that she an I did. That I'm reminded... the person I used to be. Because who I am now...

She wouldn't even recognize me.

An my partner whom I've been committed too all this time. Who knows 

An what if she doesn't recognize me either

What is right. What is wrong. An what do I do.

I've always taken advice and been screwed over

My mind is racing. An I'm scared..... 

struggle to breath

I'm on edge... it's super lame to say. That I feel like I can't turn to anyone. I don't have that friend that makes me feel better, I don't have that friend that I can lean on for anything  

Alls I have is people who constantly disappointed me. An yet in all my bs. If they no when they call I always show up. 

I really want to stand on my own without anyone. Without needing anyone. But we are emotional beings. We need an desire that connection. An because I've had it once. I'm addicted. Well actually it's out of my system but I want it. 

I want to hang out. Chillin in the sun. Going for long drives. Making plans. Following thro with plans.

Every time something comes up in my current week. I'm lashing out. Strongly desiring that release...

The release from something that is bubbling over. An I'm trying so hard to hold it. But everything is setting me off. To point. I'm now at a head space. That maybe...the world would have been better off if I hadn't survived.

An I have to slap myself in the face.

Cause I'm here for this kid...

Fuck.

But I just i just want to climb a mountain an scream. Jump off a bridge an survive. I want to go back to living. Not being so terrified about the dangers of outside. 

I'm so not in the right head space.

I feel myself desiring to cut. To hurt myself. I think because I did that a couple weeks ago that I've put that desire back in my life an its so absolutely hard to let go of. Especially because I didn't tell anyone what I did. I of course wore a bandage. But no one who actually cares noticed. An anyone who did notice was too scared to confront me on that. 

I dont know what I need  I need reason. Purpose. Or a friend to call up. 

You know when I was with my partner or my former friend. We were able to shoot the shit on the phone. We were able to talk about nothing an everything an enjoy that an even tho I'm not always with them. I'd love to be. But ..

I'm feeling stressed. An my temper is shorter. An everything is itching to piss me off. 

I need to release all my aggression. Or whatever this thing that is inside of me that is clawing for the surface. Clawing to break free from the chains I've held it down in all this time.

I'm struggling. Struggling to live. Struggling to breath. I need idk.  To break free 

same streets different path

I cant wrap my mind around the life I'm living. I keep rereading my date of birth records. Clearly stating drugs an alcohol in my system. Growing up where drugs an alcohol were huge part of my upbringing. Of course like all cycles I went for it with drinking. But drugs were death to me. Losing my father at a young age to drug overdose. I knew that I never wanted that life... watched it destroy so many but people say alcohol is a drug too.. but I hardly remember allowing to consume me. Control me. Like having to drink all time or in excess. 

When I left that lifestyle just cause I became crazy. Always trying to end my life. Due to trauma. Due to so many things. I just couldn't enjoy it. So I stopped. An then a year or so later.  I got this amazing child in my life. 

But I barely recognized that I've had this kid in my life for almost six years. And I haven't had any desires to throw this life away

At no time have I decided yeah I totally wanna go back to self destruction or drink or use drugs. Maybe trying like medical shrooms or something but not throwing my life away.

And yet.. 

Friend of mine. Not sure how friendly we are. But we been around. Anyway IDK what friends do. But we don't talk all time. Don't hang out all time. We just exist an sometimes grab food. Anyway. 

Shes not doing well. An I just talked to her. An she had said she going down a not so good path. An said she going to make positive changes to end the negative shit going on

And I thought great. Let's go out. Bring our kids out. Enjoy life. 

An then. I found her. Found her on the ground. Found her intoxicated being stupid. 

Feels like what was the point in all that talk. What was the point in saying anything if all she gonna do is give up on herself 

I'm disappointed. I'm frustrated. I'm hurt. Idk what I am.

But have I spent all my time trying to support her just to have her or see her giving up on herself. 

And yet I can't get involved 

I cant get caught up in all that. It's not what I'm about anymore. I'm supposed to be cutting those people out of my life. Doing well for myself. Idk. What is the right decision. 

If she isn't willing to make the changes for herself. She isn't willing to see how her choices will continue to effect her in a bad way..

Then idk.. I cant help her. Until she willing to do shit for herself. 

memorialize the day

So I dont talk about anything really. The only person that I had in my life was by chance.

It's weird to think about. I only reached out to her because she was there. And it turned into so much for her because I relied on her for everything. I brought her into my chaotic world an I drained the life out of her at least that's how I see it now. I don't really know what she got out of being in my life. 

Regardless it was 14 yrs ago today... that I made a decision that would impact my whole world an would shatter it at the same time. 

I have little regret about the choices I made but I knew I made them for a reason. I hid the darkness away. I stayed hidden away from everyone. And it's weird...because what I didn't realized in that time...was that I was hurting more than I had led on.  An the ultimate price was coming. 

One month after today I tried to end my life. An I spent 3 weeks in hospital being forced to look at what had happened. Why it had happened. An how to move on. Let go. Or some bs idk.

I held onto this friend so tightly.. so incredibly tight. Because I was terrified of what my life would be without her. It was no longer a friendship. It was about surviving. I absolutely loved living for her. I loved hearing her rant texts. Emails. An voice-mail. It hurts me to know I won't receive those any longer.

Not because she's gone from this world. But that she is gone from mine..

Today...of all days...I felt as though I lost a piece of me. I literally never speak about it. But I know this day once a year an I feel like I have to honor the day. 

So today after...14 yrs. An who knows how long since... I am expected to climb the mountain again. Expected to see on the rock overlooking lighthouse Park. An take a moment to write an throw it away. Cause it will be words I'd speak into existence only today. An let it go all over again.

Because to me...that's my way of honoring this day. Honoring my relationship with my friend who had my back who doesn't get to see whom I've become now. 

Without fighting for a family. Without having the burden of my family. Without friends. Standing alone. Dying last year and coming back.

I'm still here.

What she doesn't know...I still can hear her laugh. I can still hear her say I love you. An although we live different lives now. I hope she is proud of who I am now

It took me forever to get out of the darkness. Took me forever to step away from my shitty family. An be on my own. An currently raising my own family. Because that's the life I'm living.

I'm constantly fighting with myself. But in random moments my son says I love you mom. An I realize I'm raising a king. 

I'm showing him the things that were never shown to me. The brutality of the world that preys on us based on the color of our skin. Our heritage. I'm showing him that the world we live is selfish. Nvm. Lol

I just trying with everything in me to raise him with realities...of what is real. What we are facing as indigenous people. An how to grow in knowledge to protect ourselves. I'm grateful when my boy says I'll protect you mom. 

When really I'd give my life for him.  

I've grown

I've grown so much in ways no one can imagine.. an I honor the sacrifices I made. But I ache for those sacrifices. I still honor who I was. An acknowledge what happened. An I choose to move forward. Keep moving forward.

Much love.

8385

5 8 9 

what happened....

I've been thinking about the heart incident. I went thro some old pictures an text messages without any real memory.. 

I thought about how long I had been without a heartbeat before the person found me an saved me. 

Why did it happen... 

With this thing in my chest. I'm still now limited by things but no real explanation of why it had happened.. 

I dont remember stressing about anything. An to hear that I basically was put in a coma for four days. Thats absolutely insane....

My body didn't wanna wake up.  I was forced to be there in the coma for four days. And when I woke up... I hardly remember everything or anyone being there. 

Every time I think about who was there for me. An having my partner show up.  An do so much for me an then completely disappear from my life. An also that her experiences or fears of if I didn't make it. She was talking to people about ending her own life. 

An yet we're six months after all that. An I can count on one hand how much I've seen my partner. How much I've been in this alone.

An yet even though I give my partner every opportunity to walk away an end this. She doesn't. She stays.. even tho she keeps me completely in the dark an further apart then ever.

If that isn't enough.. 

Everyone who was there for me during my hospital stay. We aren't close now. 

I mean some of those people I work with. Others are family.. 

But just as I haven't been with my partner..I also haven't been with or around anyone. 

I'm scared...

I'm scared to get close to people. I'm scared of building relationships. I'm scared of so much. 

Maybe 10yrs ago. I was making bs live videos, joking around with my best friends. Living what I felt was my best life. An now... I spend most of my time alone. Disconnected 

I desire connection ..but even in saying that I'm terrified to say it. Because it has to be small. It has to not extreme. Just here an there building on a good life. 

I miss being happy. I miss traveling. I miss planning of jumping out of planes. Jumping off bridges. Swimming in shark waters..those were things I had always wanted to do.  An now I feel limited. Am I really going to die without accomplishment of my goals..

I'm scared... 

I cant say much more... I'm losing my mind...

where do we go....

I feel like.  I'm losing my mind. I'm struggling so much. With... my health. Energy. My kid. My job. Being alone in all of this. 

I have been going back to old habits. An recently thought what would my life be if I went even further.. in sense of when I was younger.  I had smoked weed. Lol or drank regularly.

To now.. I dont do either. But a strong urge to be able to rest. Or enjoy myself. A night out. A day to be worshipped all on my own. 

But its not possible.

I have so many trust issues with everyone in my family. I realized by my brother. He told me while my mom was here she went thro all my paperwork. Like mail. Or notes. Or anything that was left visible. 

Makes me realize my mom probably was the type who read my journal. Lol

Regardless... I have to always feel like I'm on guard at home. I have to ensure I hide all paperwork. Anything that hints at anything in my life. Because for real. She has two other children whom I will never have a relationship with an I honestly hate them both. 

An my mom has a relationship with them. Like she talks to them an hangs out with them an would most definitely talk about what I have been up to. 

An I want none of them to be allowed to know me. An so I'm constantly hiding myself from my mom.

An this week.. I have to rely on my mom for watching my kid after school because I am beyond exhausted but I don't have enough time off to skip out two hours early cause my kid school ends at 3. 

I can hardly believe the life I'm living... 

I feel great an exhausted at the same time. 

Meaning....finding myself in a position of being a mom has been great. I love loving my kid. I love creating memories with him. 

But I'm exhausted...alls I'm doing is working to ensure roof stays over our head. Working to ensure he has clothing. An shoes etc. 

This feel like the first year.  That I'm not focused on myself like buying my name brand clothing shoes. Getting my hair done.

I literally cannot remember the last time I bought myself shoes  or clothes. I know when I asked my friend or my partner to get me clothes. But never myself getting things myself. 

Because all of my finances goes toward my kid. Keeping him happy an content. 

Lately...  idk.

I'm struggling... I'm struggling to see purpose. Why do I do these things. Why am I living this way. Why am I allowing people to be in my life that literally take control over me. Or keep me hanging by s thread. 

I know..   or I believe I'm still alive to be here for my kid. But at the same time.  I'm struggling to see where I belong. Will it get easier. Will I survive this. Can I get thro this. Cause another part of me. Wants to run. Get away from the things that are holding me down. Keeping me in the deep end of it. Because I feel like one final straw. One final week moment an who knows what could happen. 

I miss so much. I miss my partner. I miss our life together. 

How can it all have turned out this way an can we make it back. Do they even want to get that life with me back. 

I'm struggling... suffering in silence. An I'm taking it out on myself as well. An I want to go deeper than that because it's not enough relief for me anymore. 

unconscious

Don't see the world like the world sees me. 

I'm struggling... the constant battle... would I have been been better off not coming back. 

Why do I continue to deserve to live. I'm feeling like... I've lost some stuff since coming back. 

Tbh I thought about spouting some truth but I think I'll wait for the anniversary date to say that. 

For today... I'm being tortured by the concerns I'm in a relationship with someone who is struggling with addiction an on one hand people say leave them walk away etc. But that isn't who I am.

Which is weird to say because my kids parents aren't here an havent been around in a few years. An I usually would an should walk away because of all things I don't know..

My partner who hasn't out front told me what's been going on but I've had my suspicious behavior that I've seen an heard from others. An therefore. I finally confronted my partner. It doesn't seem like they want to make a change. An that means I'm supposed to walk away an I dont know how to do that. 

I know what's best for me an my kid but idk how to make it a reality. 

The choices my partner has made or is making isn't effecting affecting me. As we don't live together. Or spend much time together. 

But the hopes an plans were things to grow an become rooted in one another. 

I'm distracted an exhausted... I'm just not feeling myself. And I'm disappointed