can't sleep

FAFO

I'm struggling to sleep I have so much crap rolling around in my brain 

I recently had my one year anniversary of my death. I died one year ago an was brought back.

In celebration of this

I got a new tattoo

Two days later I dreamt of someone I haven't seen or spoken to in years. I find myself sometimes thinking of her. Reminding myself of her laughter. Or her amazing love. Of standing by me. 

I dreamt of her. An its been engraved in me. Because idk..  idk why. But I can't get it out of my head.

And in that thought I ended up sending some pictures to my partner who's in treatment.

Almost to say I'm thinking of you an although I'm living my life. She is still with me. And I still want to share those moments with her.

An then 3 days later she called me

An now my heart is all flustered an I can't sleep.

I'm surrounded by all these thoughts. All these feelings. All these hopes. All these fears.. she asked to see me. For the first time in a while. 

It made me happy an scared

What if this. What if that. An who knows where seeing one another leads too. An why does she stay.

She currently serving to do better. Live better. Everything to be better. An yet she is clinging to me. Not like tightly but I guess has this idea. Has this hope for our future. 

An I'm out here living my life. Doing my own. Still completely with her like I'm not with anyone else. But I'm also not holding my life not pining away

An now she wants to see me. Wants me to visit. An I'm happy an scared. An what if I'm a disappointment. What if my hair is as crappy. What if she doesn't like this or that. Ugh

It's supposed to be a good thing.

A way to move forward

An I'm scared. 

I talked to a friend about that dream I had. An he said.. was toxic. An I'm like no 

When I guess it was... I relied so heavily on her. I clung to her for reasons to live but under the circumstances I think it made sense. 

But I didn't want that to be our forever. I wanted to be who I am now to who i was then.

But maybe you gotta let go. But maybe if I'm saying that maybe I'm saying that in more ways. Or maybe I'm just freaking crazy.

Cause I loved her. 

She was my world

She was so a reason to live

A reason to want to do better

But I didn't want her to be a forever thing.

I just wanted to appreciate that I had someone.

She had me too

Cause she came to me in her times of need. Sometimes anyway.. 

Dreaming about her. Was great but it made me miss her so damn much..it's the little things that she an I did. That I'm reminded... the person I used to be. Because who I am now...

She wouldn't even recognize me.

An my partner whom I've been committed too all this time. Who knows 

An what if she doesn't recognize me either

What is right. What is wrong. An what do I do.

I've always taken advice and been screwed over

My mind is racing. An I'm scared.....