It's weird to think about. I only reached out to her because she was there. And it turned into so much for her because I relied on her for everything. I brought her into my chaotic world an I drained the life out of her at least that's how I see it now. I don't really know what she got out of being in my life.
Regardless it was 14 yrs ago today... that I made a decision that would impact my whole world an would shatter it at the same time.
I have little regret about the choices I made but I knew I made them for a reason. I hid the darkness away. I stayed hidden away from everyone. And it's weird...because what I didn't realized in that time...was that I was hurting more than I had led on. An the ultimate price was coming.
One month after today I tried to end my life. An I spent 3 weeks in hospital being forced to look at what had happened. Why it had happened. An how to move on. Let go. Or some bs idk.
I held onto this friend so tightly.. so incredibly tight. Because I was terrified of what my life would be without her. It was no longer a friendship. It was about surviving. I absolutely loved living for her. I loved hearing her rant texts. Emails. An voice-mail. It hurts me to know I won't receive those any longer.
Not because she's gone from this world. But that she is gone from mine..
Today...of all days...I felt as though I lost a piece of me. I literally never speak about it. But I know this day once a year an I feel like I have to honor the day.
So today after...14 yrs. An who knows how long since... I am expected to climb the mountain again. Expected to see on the rock overlooking lighthouse Park. An take a moment to write an throw it away. Cause it will be words I'd speak into existence only today. An let it go all over again.
Because to me...that's my way of honoring this day. Honoring my relationship with my friend who had my back who doesn't get to see whom I've become now.
Without fighting for a family. Without having the burden of my family. Without friends. Standing alone. Dying last year and coming back.
I'm still here.
What she doesn't know...I still can hear her laugh. I can still hear her say I love you. An although we live different lives now. I hope she is proud of who I am now
It took me forever to get out of the darkness. Took me forever to step away from my shitty family. An be on my own. An currently raising my own family. Because that's the life I'm living.
I'm constantly fighting with myself. But in random moments my son says I love you mom. An I realize I'm raising a king.
I'm showing him the things that were never shown to me. The brutality of the world that preys on us based on the color of our skin. Our heritage. I'm showing him that the world we live is selfish. Nvm. Lol
I just trying with everything in me to raise him with realities...of what is real. What we are facing as indigenous people. An how to grow in knowledge to protect ourselves. I'm grateful when my boy says I'll protect you mom.
When really I'd give my life for him.
I've grown
I've grown so much in ways no one can imagine.. an I honor the sacrifices I made. But I ache for those sacrifices. I still honor who I was. An acknowledge what happened. An I choose to move forward. Keep moving forward.
Much love.
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