The pain of living. Of being in this cycle. Having no real dreams. You know how some people dream of moving away into another country. Or want to Vacation in another city.
I have no desires. An even if I did. I feel tied down. Tied down to my life here.
I had desires to move back to Ontario. But really why.. I wasn't living there. Like I didn't have a job.
I have desires to move up here. Like become a boss in the job I'm in now.
I have this vision of doing better than all the years we been here.
An yet
There's this darkness.. it's eating away at me. This desire. Burning desire to hurt myself. To feel pain. Because I feel like I've done so much for everyone. An I'm allegedly friends with so many an yet no one can see me. No one can see the person crying. Screaming for help. Because I' feel like just a shell of a person.
I hardly remember who I ever was. Or if I ever was anyone.
I had a dream of an old friend. And all I thought yes of course I miss her smile an hugs an ILY. But why the hell was she ever in my life. The toxic shit. The codependency was what she likely was attracted too. I did nothing to help her I did no way support her getting out of where she was. It was a one sided issue.
I'm losing my mind
No one knows me anymore. I look in the mirror an I dont recognize who is there
I'm losing my mind..
I read a bs story about this idiot who was so poor etc.
An thought my life was horrible too. But you won't see me spreading that shit anywhere.
I watched a movie called Bones of Crows. An I thought how much pain an trauma an perseverance. An dedication. The drive to survive through it all.
An to now decades later have a voice.
Alls I thought is I wish my uncles were here to see the movement.
They both went to Residential School. They both suffered in unspeakable ways. An neither ever had children.
But they loved. They loved with their hearts. They loved me. They fed me. They took care of me.
When my parents were off fuckin up their lives they would come an bring groceries. McDonald's. They would make sure I never went hungry. Even though I did a lot. But sometimes I didn't.
An the love. The love they carried. After surviving such pain. I'm moved.. I'm moved how did they know that love. Cause they loved us. They loved my brothers and I. They protected us. They fed us. An they were pillars of everything to Me.
An now seeing the world acknowledge what happened what happened to them an their not even here... they don't get to see our strength. Our love. Loyalty. Our honor to them
I grew up without love as well. An somehow. Someway. It found me. It grew like a fire in my soul that has everlasting light.
I love so much. I care so much.
So much so that I'll rip my heart out for someone else if they asked. Because I am that kind of person.
An yet...
When I'm hurting. When I feel this feeling. This darkness. I'm trying so hard to fight it. My brain is remembering the matrix. When Neo touched the Mirror. It consumed him
That's what I feel. I feel like the darkness is breaking me down an that my desires my darkness is going to consume me. An I'm fighting. But I'm not telling anyone what is going on I just feel it. Struggle with it on my own. An no one can hear me. No one can see it. An I'm just.. I can't even cry. Alls I wanna do is bleed. Alls I wanna do is hurt. I want to do something so bad.
I'm struggling
Please find a way...find a way to keep moving forward. Ugh
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