I've spent my adult life trying to give back to my community. Give back to my family.
It super shitty honestly.
Alls they ever saw in my disappearance was that I abandoned them..took off to live a new life in Ontario. When reality was... I had given all I could an was ready to take my life. Because in my mind at that time.. was that I thought this was all my life would ever be.
Constantly being belittled an tormented by moms new bf. And constantly giving up my young years or teenage years to take care of the family. Blah blah blah.
I didn't wanna run. I didn't wanna go across country.
But once I did.
Once I felt the world. Once I felt free.
I didn't wanna come back ever.
An even as I returned. All the turmoil. All the pain. This family had endured for years without telling me.
An all the need I had to make up for leaving.
Was just too much.
Haven't I given enough.
My life for these past six years. Unbelievable
My life... completely consumed by this kid.
All of everything I have. Everything I've done to be there for him. Give him everything. Even if I have nothing..
It's so difficult...
It's very true..
I could live off welfare. I could earn nothing an just get by.
But apart from this kid.
I've spent approx 12 yrs of my life working this job. I've bounced around. But my name..my reputation. Have always been solid..
People who speak about me. Can't say I did them wrong. Can't say I said something an did another.
With cutting ties to most of my family.
I've helped My life do better.
But then... there's my brother. Whom I've helped a lot. An I think about this... how much I've done for him. How much he's helped me. But at the same time. Thinking maybe reality is he hates me. Because he tells stories. Tells lies. An behind my back he'd stab it for fun. As if not to say. I helped him. Helped him pay bills. Helped him get to a to b. Helped support him to do better.. encouraged him to stop living the way he is.
I have no idea what the word is....when these people. This entire family of mine. Not one of them has a paying job. They all live on welfare..
I vowed in my younger years I wasn't going to live on welfare. But...when I needed to go to school. I had to lean on social assistance. An it helped. But when I finished school. I got a job.
Unfortunately I left Ontario sometime after to come back here...
What my life would be today If I hadn't left Ontario. I can't even imagine it because.... my life here in BC has been forever.
I'm giving. Giving.
An supporting. Encouraging. Etx. An getting shit on.
Getting friendless.
Getting hurt.
Getting into a dark room.
Dark head space...where I think.....thoughts... but unfortunately I can't...I can't let myself be in that head space an for me to cope with that head space I have to react temporarily to survive.
Someone said I'm a terrible mom
Cause one day me an the kid were talking. An I told him I'm going to die.. one day. An he teared up. An got sad. An I tried to explain this was part of life. An that technically I already died...last year. An that it's just life. An he said he needs me forever.
I got sad.
Cause... in my dark head space. Dark thoughts.
I have to recall this to remind me. What I'd be doing to him if I wasn't here.
Not a clear reason to live forever. But a reason to make it through today
That is all..
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