Thursday, October 22, 2009

telling the truth

The case conference was a lot different then I thought it would be and it was beyond difficult to be looking in the eyes of those who cared for me speaking there heart, speaking there mind and whatever else they were doing. It hurt me more then I wanted it too and it got me right away thinking of how to lie about the pain, lie about the thoughts, and just lie all together so that if something comes from this well it wouldn't be known to anyone.
What an idiot I feel I am being... I don't know what's going on in my head why things are acting this way, and why my heart and mind just want me to walk away. I find myself more terrified hearing how they spoke of my lady... I couldn't believe what I had let come into my life... How the hell can I be so stupid, so vulnerable so just stupid! Do you know how much it will hurt me if this lady, no lets not say it! But it's been years and I mean years and years since I trusted anyone in my life and let them be so close to me... Do you know how terrified I am that all in unison agree that this lady friend of mine is deeper than anyone could ever go! I want to swear I want to scream, and I want to run away from everything that has happened. Down a bottle of booze, cut myself again because I'm scared! I'm so freaking scared that someone is in that deep that she can sense my heart, my feelings, and where I'm at.
Trembling in fear and feeling scared.. I am stagnant in my life at the moment because hearing that this is something that's really here makes me want to figure out find the way out of this, and then my support my other support said I could push and push and she'd go no where. She wouldn't have to go anywhere I'd just shut her out. Stop attending my appointments and get myself back into the old lifestyle of the destructive ways of my life.

Now I know what I should be thinking and the way I'm thinking now is only going to harm me in some way and it's going to get me closer and closer to the days of my life that will be numbered and may not exist everyday. It's hard to imagine hard to be in a place of others believing in me and telling me this is going to pass. How could this pass? Why did people, why did I let this happen! The consequences of this choice and decision of opening my heart are too risky the future of this relationship will only hurt me.. That's one thing for certain not only is she human, she will and has hurt me, has to disappointed me and no matter what I do... I'm so stupid for letting myself letting all this be where it's at!

My other supports damn it do you know how difficult it was to feel that way! To feel anything to freaking have to feel anything is beyond anything!


Tell me though tell me how to keep moving forward when I feel that all that I love and care for is all being left behind! Those closest to me those I love more then my lady, more then my own life's worth and people are asking me to move forward! How the hell am I supposed to move forward when all I love is left behind! stuck in their turmoil of grief, pain, and all that has oppressed them! I can't do it! I don't want to do it! I am struggling to move forward and then when I look back those I love the most are still where they've always been. You ask me to quit drinking, quit cutting, fine but don't ask me to move on without those I care for the most. I can't do it...
These are people who've stayed with me through the darkest of times, those who love me and care for me tremendously... They have always had my back, always been my number one and now your asking me to look at myself, better myself, my mentality, my future! When all's I could see is the pain in their eyes I can't figure out this...

But then...
You have my lady... this woman this lady! this option for a better future, a better place of my life, a light of my world in my darkness, a shoot star! A reason to fight to live a reason to enjoy life even if for but a moment. Someone who's been in my life for near six months that loves me and cares for me without limits, but better then anything she's chosen to not let alcohol and drugs control her life, she has chosen the goodness of the world. to fulfill her destiny as an amazing woman to change the world and be so great. That's hard to figure out because this is an opportunity for me to do better in my life, an opportunity to hopefully become a role model to others with love and courage I have with my lady, the light she brings in my life... We could be best buds forever, we could do many talented things to change ourselves and the world we live in........... sounds great right? sounds like there's nothing to lose right? I'll tell you what I'll lose! I'll lose the protective mechanism that keeps her somewhere in my heart but still a little a fraction of distance, the cost of this relationship will require me to let down my guard completely.

I'm battling within myself of the choices and desires I have for anything and everything... The support system is asking me to work through some very specific things that may help me but because they are so close to me and my pain they could also trigger me... I'm worried for that because I don't need to open these doors in my life knowing that I may become triggered by a memory, or the grief that who knows what will happen to me... I can't believe the support system I can't believe what I will do to heal... I'm terrified and I'm not sure if I'm completely willing to choose this lifestyle and I'm freaking worried! there is no reassurance this is faith thing, this is trusting those who are supporting me and moving forward because they are telling me it's safe and I'll get there... That's lot for me to put out there... There is hardly anyone I would trust with any of these things and I'm not sure if it's going to be that worth it!

I don't know anymore! I'm crazy!!! not! lol I'm learning no matter what I am never crazy I'll never be crazy and I won't have to implant this in my head! I'll be okay! just need to decide at the right future or the right decision..

1 comment:

Tamatha said...

Hey chicky....I will be praying for you to have the strength to make the right decisions.