Wednesday, October 14, 2009


The idea of a support system and their places and times in my life is so much that sometimes or even now I'm not sure how it will work. In a week I will be meeting with everyone of my supports all in one, a conference of support. My concern is that there are hidden things that some may not know, some may have heard, or something that's been hidden.
I need a much needed distraction of my support because I'm worried about it and the worry and cause and concern is unbearable. I wish that I was talking as a whole of my supports but only one... Only one person, one support that I worry about and therefore I worry for this support. I am doing this as a way of making things stronger or so that I'm not anywhere I should not be...

School is a distraction believe me it is it has proven to be more of a task of things added to a list that I must get to as often as I can... I like it though but at times like now the pressure is a little difficult and I find myself struggling to find the concentration needed for this project. I have a presentation on Saturday, paper due tomorrow which I just finished writing. And a moment... breath a moment of greatness just came in and left.. and I needed to write about it...
I'm not where I want to be, and I am not where I should be... But to be accepted by someone where I am it's a pretty significant thing for me. Not just by any person but a guy and therefore the idea of it becomes a little more then it should be in my mind, but to be treated with respect and all that just for a moment... While it's awesome... I love it!

To get involved in my community is awesome and I love it... I have the opportunity to see guys in a different way on a different level of importance to me. I have noticed in my own places and times of life I have found that men have played a role of being a brokenness in my life.. There has always been only one guy that I feel that was a very important person and as I continue to grow in my community, in community events I am starting to see men in a new way. Very significant and therefore makes the walk to healing a little more tangible.

Emotional wise... the emotions to discuss is a little more deep then I'd like to express. I noticed this in myself that I am fine with surface things now but when someone asks me about the ledge, when someone asks me about some things... I am quick to close that door. I'm happy to be open about different things but to be open about one time frame of my life it's a lot stuff that I can't or don't feel that I can express. I feel a little bad that I am doing this.. I mean even today I was told that I deal with things in my time, and if someone tries to make me deal with something I know I should but when it's not done on my time I'm not able to open that door. I shut down and close off to those things. One thing that has also been told to be is that when I close off to friends it's like a major disconnection of things that must be done and the price for it is a little more then I can handle.. but it's a must do in a protective shell of myself and my life.

Emotional wise I'm lost in a pool of things that I can't seem to very often find myself okay. I don't want to be too happy but I also don't want to be too sad... Today I find some balance in my moment of greatness. A desire grows in me to continue to find greatness of balance. I wish that I could share these things with those I care for most but I also see that even if I move an inch.. just an inch I'll find a place of collapse and I'll only hurt those I care for the most. A risk I'm not willing to take because I love people love these specific people way too much to continue to put them in the risky lifestyle I've chosen to live.

I'm scared to say I'm happy... Even just for a moment... but those few moments ago I felt it... and I worry about it... because I feel unworthy of it but I also have to try give myself a little bit of slack of letting these moments come in.. Because it's only in these moments of happiness that I am able to make it through the rest of my life. Or just tomorrow ;)
The struggle of my life has become a little difficult but something I want to pursue and if I don't make it while at least I tried. right now all people are asking of me is that I try and that's all I could do, and if I fail at trying while that's okay... I can fail but if I die from trying while you can't say I died without trying!


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