choices

I could hardly allow myself to read my last entry due to time, I'm in a crutch of wanting to check out the beautiful traditions of drums, but am concerned with my last entry... As great as it is for me to let my blog be my outlet...

I realize also updates are important not just for my blog readers, but even for myself when I find the time to read back...

Today is my father's 14yr death Anniversary... I'd rather say I'm not alone however this is not the case but even if I have people supporting me in all sorts of ways even if they are not with me physically.

I must take a moment and say I've made the right choices and decisions to continue on with my life and find the supports as helpful as I can as difficult as it has been for me to reach out to them, I have found them to really help me in the most difficult times such as now.

I complain and nag about the idea of needing others to be in my life as a comfort or support of whatever kind. I have found myself being so distant and scared all but one... the one person who has disappointed me, hurt me, whatever choices she made for whatever reasons... she is still a big part of my life even if I don't want her to be... I've found the strong desire to have her around as much as I can even if it's only for a cup of coffee.. Her presence in my life keeps me real, and keeps me knowing I'm not alone even when I might I feel I am.

I'm learning a lot about where I'm at in my life... and although it's not my ideal place that I wish to be, I'm not in a hurry to get through it because I realize my life all these events in my life have been waiting yearning for me to get into this place that I am now... and for the first time I will say I am in a grieving process the losses in my life have been very significant had it's been on my mind, and in my heart but not labeled... although I am scared to admit that I feel I am grieving the many losses in my life, I also realize how necessary it is for me to go through this process to hopefully get better..
I have medically proven not only am I not "crazy" I also am not depressed. I have proof from my family doctor, we are all in agreement that the events in my life have caused me to be in the place I am now... I don't regret but hope that through time and patience I will embrace who I am and what reasons I am still here.

I have found myself very involved in my community and this is something I'm trying to run too at the moment... but I've stayed involved around those who are positive influences in my life, an I have reached out to those I trust and care for to help me in tough moments I face each day. I am very blessed to have the knowledge and discernment that I do have to make proper choices and not completely self-destruct because really it's not what I want.

Although it's been really tough not being in class I have another week before that starts I have filled my time with some amazing community opportunities, I've joined self-defense, and I've been involved in hoping to join some drum groups, dance classes, and many other activities to fill my time... wisely and safely.

emotionally... well that's a new topic that I hardly know how to explain. I know one great example that I use for me right now... is shattered glass... drop a glass to the ground and then you'll have an idea of where I'm at with my life at the moment... the difficult thing with feeling this way is I'm finding that I've hurt those I care for the most and in that I feel a sense of guilt for the choices I've made, although now I don't regret them because it is by those choices that got me to this openness I'm at now.

Either way... I'm where I must be and carrying on whatever way I can and hope that as I continue to learn about the wilderness I feel in my heart, continue to the journey to the future, I hope that I do make it there... I hope that even though I feel alone I know I'm not... I have so many people looking out for me and I have so many things to look forward too but sometimes I need those reminders...and I definitely need to know I'm not alone because that's one thing that really gets me real crazy..

things at the moment... even in all the darkness... I feel a sense of hope and I am very happy to be apart of my community and looking forward to the future and the events that may take place. I am glad that I have vented, ranted and raved about my troubles in the past. but I only hope that I can find the balance through these times in my life.. the sense of grief has kept me in a day by day trial and so far as difficult at times as it is to have "grief bursts" I have surrounded myself with good people... I'm very lucky and blessed!

As for my father's death anniversary... I honored him today in everything that I had done and I know that wherever he is I know he is safe, and he knows how much I love him, cherish him, and miss him... seriously he was a great man! and although it hurts as much as it does now that I finally recognize where I'm at in my life I see opportunity to heal in this area of my life! so I hope for good reports but will not be afraid to share anything as it is my greatest expression!

OH YEAH! I also apparently am great at Expressive Art Therapy!! Can you believe that? I am very artistic! I never thought I would like that kind of stuff, but I'm more into the Pastels! Make that very clear how much I love using pastels and expressing myself in that way is so fun and calming too!

well I am off to run into my buddies and beautiful traditional drums, believe me I need them right about now!

thanks for listenning!

cheers!

R.I.P Daddy March 18 to October 26-27 33yrs old! I love you! <3