Tuesday, June 30, 2009

it hurts

Im not going to lie on here..I never have..I had my fall to the ground my fear an all this stuff in my life utterly destroyed me...even destroyed my will to live..or believe in anything good ever happening to me...
All this stuff..all the beast of burden, all the pain I've suffered all the hurt...all the shame of the continued lies of things I've done, or how I feel...all those times of cutting,thinking of cutting, wanting to cut...or drinking wanting to drink...wanting to screw it all up an screw the world. screw my life...these things have not left me..it doesn't matter WHO is in my life.it doesn't matter what is said or who is there....it doesn't matter...I told the psych that it only takes a month before the desire for cutting comes back in my life...and Im freakin terrified...I feel like a failure. feel like the worst damn person in the the world...

Hold up..Hold up!

Beast needs to leave...

I need to say....that my life is freakin horrible! all this healing process all this fuckin pain! is so unbearable I want to turn back. I want to mess it all up! BUT GUESS WHAT! I can't an I won't because I fuckin believe in myself. I believe in what I can do...and I have reached out for help not just from friends, an these resources...an although at the moment Im not sure I can actually be going back to God! I swear, I curse, I hate an I feel so much pain! But you know what! there are convicts who have faith in God...who believe in second chances....well how many chances will God give us? well he's giving me another one here an now!
I found out from my sweet friend in Ontario...that the only way to heal from these FUCkin SCARS is in Christ...is to find my healing in him because it's only in him that I'll be whole. it's only in him that I'll find strength in these messed up scars!
So here I come! ready an willing....for the first time! here I am broken.. messed up...bruised, broken an bleeding! for the first time I have NOTHING to offer anyone, nothing to believe in but God!
There is no reason for my life of numbing these aches...NOTHING has eased my pain. no one can save me...no one on earth can bring me to goodness! it's only by ME! BY THOSE WHO PRAY FOR ME! THOSE WHO BELIEVE IN ME THAT I AM LIVING HERE AN NOW!

WiTHOUGH God's grace in my life...for him to send people like my lady in my life...for her to believe in me an love me....for her to love me an stand by me as messed up these last near five months have been! she has never left me, never let me feel alone! she has never let me become the beast...she has helped me find the belief in myself! I DONT CARE WHAT THE BEAST SAYS! I LOVE THAT GIRL AN IM NEVER EVER LETTING HER GO!!!

Goodness might fail me...good things might be ripped away from me...an people may an often will hurt me...but Im pushing past it...I don't care anymore....I dont want to be in the mindset of fear. I don't want to die. i dont want everything to mess up my life!

My sweet amazing friend mary is helping me too....this is where my faith begins to return...because she knows me just as much..she knows ALL OF EVERYTHING! NO secrets and now she's standing by me helping find my way through these events in my life! helping me praying for me an trying to figure out what I need help with! what is greater!

I am willing to live. willing to try! an now so many people are helping me pick up the broken pieces! of my life! of my heart!

I will get through this! I hated that people told me that getting back to living will hurt me..near destroy me even...but that the victory is coming! Im scared! but Im also not letting that fear guide me anymore...because the last time I let fear be my buddy i ended up with 34 stitches! i dont want that to happen!

I dont care what I have to do! I dont care how much it'll hurt! Im going to try! Im going to push through this! If I fail...then well I tried! I was the first of my family history that tried to get past all the drinking, all the hate an pain! I was the first one that went deeper then that! an if I dont survive! well I know that I tried! an Im never going to give up!

My life is worth more then words can ever say! I see my future! I dont know how it will be to get there but no matter what no matter the beast of burden Im going to fight!

I love my lady though! she is amazing! to have a friend an amazing woman like this in my life. has really been truly an utterly amazing! Im so glad to be her friend. for her to be by my side as I am by hers. I look forward to our victory dance ;) cause we are going to get through this! no matter what! she is truly an amazing person to have the courage an strength to stand by me in all this stuff! I could not be more blessed!

I have an appointment with a Pastor on Thursday! I hope people can pray for me! if this is God sending me back to church...let me feel the sense of God in this place! Because this is truly the first place of my true healing!


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