weak power

For this past week or more I've felt like superwoman.. I have felt like I could conquer anything. I have been able to make it through all the trails that have come through to me... I mean that in the means of not cutting or drinking...or anything like that... I mean that's pretty freakin awesome a new step for me. and Im not even sure how to be grateful for that...I feel like Im always waiting for the bottom to fall out..

I feel like that time is now. I feel like crap..and i feel helpless..I feel like no matter how much Im able to dish out for others...the pain that I feel....it's not even my pain but that of the pain the people that come to me feel..it's like I could feel their heart ache...and I can't help but want to mend that...
Yet I can't help them. I can listen. but I can't direct. I can be there but I can't take those issues from them....

it drives me crazy...and it feels like the work Im doing is helpless..hopeless...not worth doing. I mean to brighten someone's day...does that really make a difference? to be there when someone doesn't want to stand alone is that helping? I mean when the Thank you's become non-existant Im not sure if Im doing what I should be doing...

Should I be persistant. should I be calling..should I be backing away? what should I be doing. and then I get all confused about my thoughts and the things I want or should be doing. it's frustrating and painful...

Does my going out of my way for people even make any difference? I mean there have been situations I've literally walked into that are dangerous..that are painful..and yet I do it. and the consequences are numerous for me.

Im really frustrated...Im frustrated....that I've got so many woman in my life right now that are hurting...I see the pain in their eyes, hear it in their voice. and yes Im hurting too but I guess you know we can't always recognize our own pain. but I do everything and I mean EVERYTHING I could to help out someone else. I never tell people when Im hurting or really need them.. because I don't ever really need anyone and if I do it's only my cousin. is that bad? yes it is but I've come to live this long and realize that people come and go like crazy but family, people like my cousin are people to stick around.

back to the women...I've met some terrific..amazing wonderful ladies in my last year of life. and yet I dont know....I mean I can bring it out things in them that make them feel pretty awesome but I feel like there's just so much our world has betowed on them that has stained them in this mentality... it's frustrating.
I mean I myself yes I have personal problems with myself..but I dont know..

Im freakin tired...but i can't stop thinking about the things..the places..the words..the pain that Im hearing everyday...and Im starting to feel like everything...everything I do is crap..and maybe it is you know? Im not well experienced..and Im not well educated...and Im just not all that happy of a person myself...

yet at the same time...my qualities...are amazing but they just don't add up to the person I am. and I just want to freakin. run away...hide...disconnect myself from the world and just find myself..because I've found other people that I've liked and taken a piece of them with me. and that's great but that's not really me...

I feel so messed up with my mind.. I just feel like...I wish if I could wish for one thing it would be to help women more...to help them through these situations step by step. to encourage. inspire or something...I mean...they are too great to feel the way they do...and I just frustrated...that we live in this kind of society.

I can't sleep..I can't breathe..

i can't feel my heart...

my heart breaks...and Im losing my mind with these horrible thoughts of the things that I see, or hear....it hurts...it burns...it is breaking