Saturday, January 17, 2009

inspiring people

This past week. Ive found myself in a different place. as if I were a different person. maybe it was the major factor that it took the focus off myself and I was helping someone else. but I can't help anybody. I can only encourage them, inspire them..

I haven't lived that long that could share with someone older then me new ideas or a new perspective.
Im scared about saying that because I just have looked at a situation and realized how much hurt is in someone else' life realizing not only is it this person hurting....Im in my own stages of pain.. Im in my own troubles. and for such a time as this I focused myself on helping someone else.. sort of like a numbness to the true meaning of the things I've done, or the pain i felt. whenever I wanted to stop feeling I'd run to someone who needed me.

After a conversation I had this evening Im not sure that's what i should be doing.. I mean it doesn't say I dont love this person as a just means that Im realizing the person i actually am.

yeah many years ago I was all these different things...but Im not that person anymore. and now I look at this situation and Im much longer will it take for this person to see the real me? because Im believing strongly that Im non other then a fraud.. someone who appears to be alright but is screaming on the inside.. but thats what most of us do. but not me.. you know not me.

I may express myself differently then others in harmful ways even....but Im not someone who can just be someone Im not... Like all people.. I have my weaknesses, my buttons and my flaws and like all people I have an extent into which people can speak to me...

I dont know what I did tonight....I mean i didn't drink I didnt do anything.. I just relaxed but I feel like I've played with fire for a week now and tonight was the first night i actually got burned. it feels like I've been asleep for a long time and Im just waking up. It feels like this possession of whatever person I was has died and the real me is starts to show...

Im not all that great of a person. i can't do many things..and I can't be many things.. I can try and fail...I can survive many things..and I can share my own personal experience with my life stories. I can do what I can with what I know or have felt in my life...but I can't be someone Im not.

Then its like what if the person I was...was the person Im meant to be... well maybe it just means that there are in fact areas very large areas inmy life that Im going to need to work on before I reach that goal...those moments of greatness that I have maybe that's just showing me just the tiny beginning of whats to come in the future..


I had a difficult evening of realizing....

realizing what I really look like

realizing the fraud that has been presented for the past week...

its sad...its a sad time for me..

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