fighting this rage

Im struggling...

It's not with cutting. it's not with drinking...

far greater...

its the rage inside me...giving me headaches...making me want to smash something/someone..

I feel like Im about to burst from all this anger.

I've tried for so long to be nice. to be good and then I get screwed over...

At the moment Im trying to find the time to help a friend... I've been there whenever anyones ever needed me... and today a friend of mine said something to me that's so true...I have to be careful because I'll be the person that will get hurt... I'm always the one that gets hurt becaues that's what people do to me...

the good thats in this world eventually gets curropt by evil surrounding them...

I reach out to help and get burned..

I make the extra mile for helping others and get left behind.

It's all craziness but Im great...and yet I dont burden myself with the feelings they leave me with because to me it's that they have learned some thing from me so it doesn't matter if I ever hear a thank you..because that's not why I do these things...I do it to show this world that outta all this bulshit that we can still see the good in other people..


Im really sad that I've had to witness a lot of pain...and see my friends suffer terrible things. these are people that I admire and love...and then find out how they have been as wounded as they were...

it's like that poem i heard so many years ago..

all this paint to cover the real them...but then when it starts to come undone all the pain comes out, all the insecurities, all the low self-esteem..

One thing I will never get over...

A friend of mine in Ontario...my amazing friend that I graduated with. my amazing friend that just has shown so much greatness.

she said this to me

"everyone has their faults and yet everyone is worth love"

Isn't that awesome?

I mean I look at these people in my life..and think wow this person is truly great..amazing and I just love them for who they have shown to me...and then when those layers of their lives start to peel apart....My heart goes out to them...because I can't help but help.. I can't help but do everything in my power to help them..

gotta go/

I just hope the rage is able to expressed better then the way it feels it wants too..because I feel really really sad...I feel really really crappy.

good night