crying on the inside

To witness the life of those lives that are lost or soon to be lost.

to sit and watch these things on t.v.

to breath air..

to live our lives...

to ignore these things

to....

avoid the pain that Im feelng now.


to remember the past as it was...
to see past things come to life before our very eyes

I've seen some things that bother me....not bother me..but fu**ing harming me in a way that I cannot even begin to describe to you.

A life that I once loved...a life I once admired. a life that was beautiful in every way. a life that made and had the respect of everyone in contact.
this life....this life...that ruled many things.. this life that was so amazing...

wasted away...

fu**ing wasting away and just hurts more then words can describe.

I seen her life....I seen who she was..>I wanted to be her. she was my greatest mentor. my best friend...she was so much of everything to me...and now she's down there...she's wasting her damn life away on a damn addiciton.

It hurts to fuc*ing breath because I know that I can't do anything.. I can be a bystander cheering her on to healing...cheer her onto life.....
who am I?

I have no say... Im her younger sister...who wishes for better things than this for her. she was a shining star. she was a beautiful sight. she was everything I wanted to be. and now she's on SKID ROW! I HATE SKID ROW!
I hate seeing that... I hate the things she's doing...and I hate her...not her but the addiction. I hate the addiciton...

I have tried so many times to help her make it through. tried so much to help her make it through...and she's always run back.. she's like a zombie...

she is yearning for death...she's yearning for something that has no fullfillment. she is my older sister...she is my older sister...

my heart...cries. my heart breaks...my heart my body, my soul and mind want me to cry. wants me to scream at myself. scream at the world of the mistakes that we've made. the reasons shes doing these things are not even in comparison..

I won't shed a tear. I won't be broken down.

How do I deal with this? you know how I deal with this...I cut myself.. I cut so deep that the pain I feel from this experience of seeing her just passes right by me...and all's I can focus on is the pain I've put on myself...

I hate myself for not being strong enough to survive her...survive seeing her...cringing.. survive her yearning..her desire for something so little..so tiny..so lethal. so deadly. . I hate myself because I know that I can do nothing....

I hate myself because I feel hopeless.. i feel low. I feel so stupid... I can't explain it...

but to see her...on a corner selling herself...as I go by...and my heart cringes and I have to turn back because I know that I have to help her. I have to feed her. I have to do what I can for her to survive..but what am i really doing?

I dont know...but Im hurting after this experience because it hits me to the heart. it hits me more then anything ever could.