Tuesday, February 3, 2009

words to say

Have you ever made some decisions in your life that were not wrong but not right??
I feel like it's bottling up inside of me. this little lie or this little wrong thing that I cannot even begin to speak the words of it you know?
It's like everyday I look in the mirror and lie to myself, convince myself this is what needed to be done this was the only thing I could think of...or something like that

Then each week I go into counselling and this chip, this block this whatever it is continues to build up inside of me...as my wonderful counselor sits there trying to figure out what it could be..instead we continue on with the past things that come up but don't actually chat about the real thing. the real thing that's tormenting me. the real thing that could be the very reason im angry!

Just last week...we found out...actually everyone I knew knew that I was angry. however myself.. myself..to admit that Im angry..I was like no way..as if Im angry...
I learned different types of anger and the way that I fail to express my anger and end up taking it out on myself...isn't that terrible?

Yet every week or so I sit around trying to figure out why did I cut? why did I drink? why am I so unstable. its becaues I honestly feel like I need to be locked up you know? not locked up but held back a little more then I am... I mean I feel like Im just throwing myself out there.. like feeding myself to the lions..when it comes to my weaknesses instead of realizing I can't do things Im throwing myself at things and just screwing things up in my life..

How do I walk into counselling and just say it? how do I just blurt it out.. that Im really messing up my head. and that Im really about to do something I'll regret...how do I walk into that place that way? how do I explain my thoughts...will she hear me? will I need to say it? counselling is supposed to be the one place I just lay it all down and just say there you go..but there's this one thing...this one piece of garbage..this one piece of something that seems to be killing me before I didn't realize it but now Im starting to realize the mistakes I've made and that I need to change my ways before I lose my mind completely.

Is that bad?

You know what I hate? okay I dont hate many things..I just really dislike the ideas that I feed myself that what im doing is alright..that this is what i need to do...and yet knowing that I should not be doing it you know? it could jeopordize so much and when you ask me why Im doing it there is no real answer.

Then its like what the heck is wrong with me seriously...

Other then my drama in my head...of losing my mind..and being angry..however it's an inner anger not directed at anyone but myself..

well other then that...the greatest times of my life are just around the corner and I just really can't wait to see what Margo has come up with this year..seriously she is the best..and I admire her and her work. I admire the things she says...Im just really really grateful to have met her, to have been able to be apart of "Talking Stick Festival" Im really excited for it... because it'll really just get me outta my head and focused on the task at hand...and maybe just maybe after this event this week long event..>I would've made my decision about the choices I've made or am making..

I mean to work with Talking Stick Festival...is such an honor and Im totally looking forward to things that await me there...Im excited because I've met so many people and Im totally looking forward to the many people I will be meeting..and Im excited to see the person I become when Im working with them...because it's a huge change and Im totally looking forward to having fun... working alongside friends and meeting new amazing talented people...it's the best time of my life and I can't wait!!

I guess that's it...I could go on and on about my excitement for the Talking Stick Festival. but Im really getting tired..and like always I often stay awake long hours because I of course have counselling tomorrow...

I should work on my script..lol Im writing a script....something I dont think I've ever done.. I've always written stories so this will be a nice change working on a script..i hope that it brings something with some great encouragement and impact on the people I'm writing it for!


Another 24 hours

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