I must say first off that I celebrated my friend's birthday this weekend...had a blast!
I celebrated my mother's birthday last Thursday and then we just had celebrated my friends 28th birthday it was pretty alright fun..lol it was AWESOME!
Tonight I was out with the latest birthday sweet lady.... and it got me talking and saying a whole bunch of things from the past...and when I left her...I got into this mode of just maybe being tired, maybe being hungry...but I just got all sad you know? I mean I talked about things that I haven't talked about in years. things that I don't really share or wish to talk about... it was a little different...it made me feel like I was unworthy you know?
Looking at my past and the things that I did, or were done to me....it scared me you know? I mean memories of those times came to mind...and then realizing the place Im at now.. It's like just even the little bit of difference for me...to look at my life then and now..it's very different and there might be similiar things there but mainly it seems to be different you know?
I mean when I was in NLGH one thing I remembered was I'd remember where I was at and where I am now..and it always showed me that I had made improvements in my life and I was going somewhere...and it wasn't until tonight that I realized wow....regardless of all this shit that I've done in the past three years of my life...I did pretty well for myself for the most it...little by little I changed here and there...and although it wasn't a significant change of greatness.. letting go of things in my life is a lot more difficult then it seems...
it doesn't matter that the grass is greener on the otherside.. and it doesn't matter that this past stuff is difficult..
Its the comfort zone..
I mean maybe it's my own comfort zone...but I have a very difficult time with many different things..things that still have not changed in my life...and it's really difficult to grasp onto new things...
I just thought of it.
It's like the turtle...my favorite animal ever created...
when a turtle is frightened or anything it hides in its shell..until it feels comfortable to share itself with the world...
I mean there are some things I do with my friends. and there are some other things I do with other friends.....and yet everything else...it's this trust issues, or confidence issues, but as time continues on another piece of me is shared with those that Im connected with at that time.
Is that bad? I feel like Im in this place where Im constantly guarding myself from everything and everyone...
I dont want to live my life like that...but I want to be cautious...of the choices Im making, or the influences in my life..so I give little piece by piece I share myself with other people..
I mean tonight it seemed to be all the bad things I did...things that I regret or Im ashamed of. but it got me thinking if I hadn't done those things..I wouldn't be in the place of talking to youth that are troubled..or even woman that are troubled...Im a good encourager to those in my life, and I try everything in my power to help people..even if it means sharing a bit of myself with others....
it brings me back to the whole is it my calling thing you know? I mean I dont really know if this is why I was created...but I dont wait around to find out... Im not living my life to the fullest but Im encouraging all those that I come in contact with.. and I have people that I fall back on when shit gets too messy and I get really crazy messed up..lol
But mainly it brings me back to the memories of recent even this past year...of my life the things I did in this past year..some or many things I'm not proud of...but I've never been more proud then have the opportunity to meet Margo Kane and her sweet ass friends...and work for her. and hang with her....I mean there's lots of different things in this past year. but the best and most gracious greatest ever made of a memory is when I worked for Margo kane. she is a great woman..a strong woman and a woman that I admire and am very much encouraged by.. she is a wonderful lady and i can't wait to help her out again this year!
I just like the idea that regardless of everything..that I for the first time just look at myself and realize how far I've come..maybe it was just a baby step, maybe it was just one step, maybe it was a leap...either way I feel like Im making progress in mylife.
I mean I've great people in my life
these are new people....interesting people..but encouraging people...and inspiring people.. and they have become friends.. and that's what I love..is making new friends...its a wonderful thing to have people I met recently in my life to become friends.
I mean I remember talking about how i needed better influential people in my life..and now I have nearly a handful of people that I can talk too, chat with..enjoy life with...
im tired...I have to stay awake for another three hours because apparently I'm going to try get work again today...and if I go to sleep now I more then likely won't wake up..