weak power

For this past week or more I've felt like superwoman.. I have felt like I could conquer anything. I have been able to make it through all the trails that have come through to me... I mean that in the means of not cutting or drinking...or anything like that... I mean that's pretty freakin awesome a new step for me. and Im not even sure how to be grateful for that...I feel like Im always waiting for the bottom to fall out..

I feel like that time is now. I feel like crap..and i feel helpless..I feel like no matter how much Im able to dish out for others...the pain that I feel....it's not even my pain but that of the pain the people that come to me feel..it's like I could feel their heart ache...and I can't help but want to mend that...
Yet I can't help them. I can listen. but I can't direct. I can be there but I can't take those issues from them....

it drives me crazy...and it feels like the work Im doing is helpless..hopeless...not worth doing. I mean to brighten someone's day...does that really make a difference? to be there when someone doesn't want to stand alone is that helping? I mean when the Thank you's become non-existant Im not sure if Im doing what I should be doing...

Should I be persistant. should I be calling..should I be backing away? what should I be doing. and then I get all confused about my thoughts and the things I want or should be doing. it's frustrating and painful...

Does my going out of my way for people even make any difference? I mean there have been situations I've literally walked into that are dangerous..that are painful..and yet I do it. and the consequences are numerous for me.

Im really frustrated...Im frustrated....that I've got so many woman in my life right now that are hurting...I see the pain in their eyes, hear it in their voice. and yes Im hurting too but I guess you know we can't always recognize our own pain. but I do everything and I mean EVERYTHING I could to help out someone else. I never tell people when Im hurting or really need them.. because I don't ever really need anyone and if I do it's only my cousin. is that bad? yes it is but I've come to live this long and realize that people come and go like crazy but family, people like my cousin are people to stick around.

back to the women...I've met some terrific..amazing wonderful ladies in my last year of life. and yet I dont know....I mean I can bring it out things in them that make them feel pretty awesome but I feel like there's just so much our world has betowed on them that has stained them in this mentality... it's frustrating.
I mean I myself yes I have personal problems with myself..but I dont know..

Im freakin tired...but i can't stop thinking about the things..the places..the words..the pain that Im hearing everyday...and Im starting to feel like everything...everything I do is crap..and maybe it is you know? Im not well experienced..and Im not well educated...and Im just not all that happy of a person myself...

yet at the same time...my qualities...are amazing but they just don't add up to the person I am. and I just want to freakin. run away...hide...disconnect myself from the world and just find myself..because I've found other people that I've liked and taken a piece of them with me. and that's great but that's not really me...

I feel so messed up with my mind.. I just feel like...I wish if I could wish for one thing it would be to help women more...to help them through these situations step by step. to encourage. inspire or something...I mean...they are too great to feel the way they do...and I just frustrated...that we live in this kind of society.

I can't sleep..I can't breathe..

i can't feel my heart...

my heart breaks...and Im losing my mind with these horrible thoughts of the things that I see, or hear....it hurts...it burns...it is breaking

inspiring people

This past week. Ive found myself in a different place. as if I were a different person. maybe it was the major factor that it took the focus off myself and I was helping someone else. but I can't help anybody. I can only encourage them, inspire them..

I haven't lived that long that could share with someone older then me new ideas or a new perspective.
Im scared about saying that because I just have looked at a situation and realized how much hurt is in someone else' life realizing not only is it this person hurting....Im in my own stages of pain.. Im in my own troubles. and for such a time as this I focused myself on helping someone else.. sort of like a numbness to the true meaning of the things I've done, or the pain i felt. whenever I wanted to stop feeling I'd run to someone who needed me.

After a conversation I had this evening Im not sure that's what i should be doing.. I mean it doesn't say I dont love this person as a friend..it just means that Im realizing the person i actually am.

yeah many years ago I was all these different things...but Im not that person anymore. and now I look at this situation and Im wondering...how much longer will it take for this person to see the real me? because Im believing strongly that Im non other then a fraud.. someone who appears to be alright but is screaming on the inside.. but thats what most of us do. but not me.. you know not me.

I may express myself differently then others in harmful ways even....but Im not someone who can just be someone Im not... Like all people.. I have my weaknesses, my buttons and my flaws and like all people I have an extent into which people can speak to me...

I dont know what I did tonight....I mean i didn't drink I didnt do anything.. I just relaxed but I feel like I've played with fire for a week now and tonight was the first night i actually got burned. it feels like I've been asleep for a long time and Im just waking up. It feels like this possession of whatever person I was has died and the real me is here...it starts to show...

Im not all that great of a person. i can't do many things..and I can't be many things.. I can try and fail...I can survive many things..and I can share my own personal experience with my life stories. I can do what I can with what I know or have felt in my life...but I can't be someone Im not.

Then its like what if the person I was...was the person Im meant to be... well maybe it just means that there are in fact areas very large areas inmy life that Im going to need to work on before I reach that goal...those moments of greatness that I have maybe that's just showing me just the tiny beginning of whats to come in the future..

anyhow....

I had a difficult evening of realizing....

realizing what I really look like

realizing the fraud that has been presented for the past week...

its sad...its a sad time for me..

fighting this rage

Im struggling...

It's not with cutting. it's not with drinking...

far greater...

its the rage inside me...giving me headaches...making me want to smash something/someone..

I feel like Im about to burst from all this anger.

I've tried for so long to be nice. to be good and then I get screwed over...

At the moment Im trying to find the time to help a friend... I've been there whenever anyones ever needed me... and today a friend of mine said something to me that's so true...I have to be careful because I'll be the person that will get hurt... I'm always the one that gets hurt becaues that's what people do to me...

the good thats in this world eventually gets curropt by evil surrounding them...

I reach out to help and get burned..

I make the extra mile for helping others and get left behind.

It's all craziness but Im great...and yet I dont burden myself with the feelings they leave me with because to me it's that they have learned some thing from me so it doesn't matter if I ever hear a thank you..because that's not why I do these things...I do it to show this world that outta all this bulshit that we can still see the good in other people..


Im really sad that I've had to witness a lot of pain...and see my friends suffer terrible things. these are people that I admire and love...and then find out how they have been as wounded as they were...

it's like that poem i heard so many years ago..

all this paint to cover the real them...but then when it starts to come undone all the pain comes out, all the insecurities, all the low self-esteem..

One thing I will never get over...

A friend of mine in Ontario...my amazing friend that I graduated with. my amazing friend that just has shown so much greatness.

she said this to me

"everyone has their faults and yet everyone is worth love"

Isn't that awesome?

I mean I look at these people in my life..and think wow this person is truly great..amazing and I just love them for who they have shown to me...and then when those layers of their lives start to peel apart....My heart goes out to them...because I can't help but help.. I can't help but do everything in my power to help them..

gotta go/

I just hope the rage is able to expressed better then the way it feels it wants too..because I feel really really sad...I feel really really crappy.

good night

unknown frustration

It's really difficult to figure out where to begin. I mean it feels like Im this ice shine of greatness this amazing person. so many people tell me that I am, and I act in ways that I am.. but I feel like crap...

I mean literally what am I doing? I know I have till April for school but the fact is I dont have a job right now..and it's driving me crazy. I mean its great doing favors for other people but I feel like crap and I am started to feel worse...

all's I can think about is what kind of job would I be good at? i mean it's really frustrating..I shouldn't have left my job I dont know what I was thinking..and even then in this time. im realizing some horrible stuff that I didn't know before...

its hard to express this..I mean Im totally feeling crappy..

and the best part of it all is that im not cutting...I mean Im really happy about that and Im really just glad for that...I mean thats one thing I'd run too in a time like this. and at times I wanted to but I've found ways to help me through...

I think Im getting crazy...I mean Im just really tired tonight...but it's like apart from long term goals..what are my short term goals you know? I mean that's something my counselor always asks me and I have nothing I can say to her because I dont know....

Im writing this new story...and I feel like a disgrace writing it..I mean it's great to be a writer but when I dont know wheres its going or what it will become, or how it will end it bugs me. usually it comes to me and I put all the pieces together..but for the past three days im rambling on about different things and im worried that the story itself will become too long, not so interesting after a little bit....

i was glad to be inspired to write but now...Im just like I dontknow how to end this story you know?

who knows...

Im just tired for now...hopefully things will start to pick up...because I really need to get myself in gear for this future of mine..before the present flies right by me...

night

memories of life

I must say first off that I celebrated my friend's birthday this weekend...had a blast!
I celebrated my mother's birthday last Thursday and then we just had celebrated my friends 28th birthday it was pretty alright fun..lol it was AWESOME!

Tonight I was out with the latest birthday sweet lady.... and it got me talking and saying a whole bunch of things from the past...and when I left her...I got into this mode of just maybe being tired, maybe being hungry...but I just got all sad you know? I mean I talked about things that I haven't talked about in years. things that I don't really share or wish to talk about... it was a little different...it made me feel like I was unworthy you know?

Looking at my past and the things that I did, or were done to me....it scared me you know? I mean memories of those times came to mind...and then realizing the place Im at now.. It's like just even the little bit of difference for me...to look at my life then and now..it's very different and there might be similiar things there but mainly it seems to be different you know?

I mean when I was in NLGH one thing I remembered was I'd remember where I was at and where I am now..and it always showed me that I had made improvements in my life and I was going somewhere...and it wasn't until tonight that I realized wow....regardless of all this shit that I've done in the past three years of my life...I did pretty well for myself for the most it...little by little I changed here and there...and although it wasn't a significant change of greatness.. letting go of things in my life is a lot more difficult then it seems...
it doesn't matter that the grass is greener on the otherside.. and it doesn't matter that this past stuff is difficult..
Its the comfort zone..

I mean maybe it's my own comfort zone...but I have a very difficult time with many different things..things that still have not changed in my life...and it's really difficult to grasp onto new things...
I just thought of it.

It's like the turtle...my favorite animal ever created...

when a turtle is frightened or anything it hides in its shell..until it feels comfortable to share itself with the world...

hahaha

thats me!

I mean there are some things I do with my friends. and there are some other things I do with other friends.....and yet everything else...it's this trust issues, or confidence issues, but as time continues on another piece of me is shared with those that Im connected with at that time.
Is that bad? I feel like Im in this place where Im constantly guarding myself from everything and everyone...

I dont want to live my life like that...but I want to be cautious...of the choices Im making, or the influences in my life..so I give little piece by piece I share myself with other people..

I mean tonight it seemed to be all the bad things I did...things that I regret or Im ashamed of. but it got me thinking if I hadn't done those things..I wouldn't be in the place of talking to youth that are troubled..or even woman that are troubled...Im a good encourager to those in my life, and I try everything in my power to help people..even if it means sharing a bit of myself with others....

it brings me back to the whole is it my calling thing you know? I mean I dont really know if this is why I was created...but I dont wait around to find out... Im not living my life to the fullest but Im encouraging all those that I come in contact with.. and I have people that I fall back on when shit gets too messy and I get really crazy messed up..lol

But mainly it brings me back to the memories of recent even this past year...of my life the things I did in this past year..some or many things I'm not proud of...but I've never been more proud then have the opportunity to meet Margo Kane and her sweet ass friends...and work for her. and hang with her....I mean there's lots of different things in this past year. but the best and most gracious greatest ever made of a memory is when I worked for Margo kane. she is a great woman..a strong woman and a woman that I admire and am very much encouraged by.. she is a wonderful lady and i can't wait to help her out again this year!

sorry distracted..

either way...

I just like the idea that regardless of everything..that I for the first time just look at myself and realize how far I've come..maybe it was just a baby step, maybe it was just one step, maybe it was a leap...either way I feel like Im making progress in mylife.
I mean I've great people in my life

these are new people....interesting people..but encouraging people...and inspiring people.. and they have become friends.. and that's what I love..is making new friends...its a wonderful thing to have people I met recently in my life to become friends.
I mean I remember talking about how i needed better influential people in my life..and now I have nearly a handful of people that I can talk too, chat with..enjoy life with...

wow..

im tired...I have to stay awake for another three hours because apparently I'm going to try get work again today...and if I go to sleep now I more then likely won't wake up..

good night

crying on the inside

To witness the life of those lives that are lost or soon to be lost.

to sit and watch these things on t.v.

to breath air..

to live our lives...

to ignore these things

to....

avoid the pain that Im feelng now.


to remember the past as it was...
to see past things come to life before our very eyes

I've seen some things that bother me....not bother me..but fu**ing harming me in a way that I cannot even begin to describe to you.

A life that I once loved...a life I once admired. a life that was beautiful in every way. a life that made and had the respect of everyone in contact.
this life....this life...that ruled many things.. this life that was so amazing...

wasted away...

fu**ing wasting away and just hurts more then words can describe.

I seen her life....I seen who she was..>I wanted to be her. she was my greatest mentor. my best friend...she was so much of everything to me...and now she's down there...she's wasting her damn life away on a damn addiciton.

It hurts to fuc*ing breath because I know that I can't do anything.. I can be a bystander cheering her on to healing...cheer her onto life.....
who am I?

I have no say... Im her younger sister...who wishes for better things than this for her. she was a shining star. she was a beautiful sight. she was everything I wanted to be. and now she's on SKID ROW! I HATE SKID ROW!
I hate seeing that... I hate the things she's doing...and I hate her...not her but the addiction. I hate the addiciton...

I have tried so many times to help her make it through. tried so much to help her make it through...and she's always run back.. she's like a zombie...

she is yearning for death...she's yearning for something that has no fullfillment. she is my older sister...she is my older sister...

my heart...cries. my heart breaks...my heart my body, my soul and mind want me to cry. wants me to scream at myself. scream at the world of the mistakes that we've made. the reasons shes doing these things are not even in comparison..

I won't shed a tear. I won't be broken down.

How do I deal with this? you know how I deal with this...I cut myself.. I cut so deep that the pain I feel from this experience of seeing her just passes right by me...and all's I can focus on is the pain I've put on myself...

I hate myself for not being strong enough to survive her...survive seeing her...cringing.. survive her yearning..her desire for something so little..so tiny..so lethal. so deadly. . I hate myself because I know that I can do nothing....

I hate myself because I feel hopeless.. i feel low. I feel so stupid... I can't explain it...

but to see her...on a corner selling herself...as I go by...and my heart cringes and I have to turn back because I know that I have to help her. I have to feed her. I have to do what I can for her to survive..but what am i really doing?

I dont know...but Im hurting after this experience because it hits me to the heart. it hits me more then anything ever could.

new beginnings

Happy New Year!

Everyone has chosen new years resolutions...I didnt even get to thinking of it. but since I have the time the main idea for me is to let go of the past and look to what lies ahead. I've spoken to many close friends about situations in my life that continue to rise up. Situations that have been hindering me from moving forward in my life.

I realize now that if I continue to hold onto past things I'll never really be able to grasp onto future events of greatness. I mean Im capable of doing great things in my life, and Im able to confidently speak into peoples lives. I have a great gift of encouragement to people. and yet I haven't grasped that. I've become this something..I can't figure out what it is but I realize that Im holding onto the past. and it's about time that I let go.

This last year I was able to grieve for my fathers death. I was able to help family members grieve the loss of their loved ones this last year I've seen some terrible things going on in my family.. I've witnessed alot in my life..and I feel like if I continue to stay in this place that Im at I'll never go forward in my life.

so that's my new years idea...

to let go of all the people that hold me back...all the memories that continued to haunt me.. all the tools and defense machinisms and just strive ahead...because I've learned enough in my life...

as a start of going on in my life...im going to really just get a handle on my life... today my cousin straightforward came to me and said I have a problem with drinking... and although I've only had a couple days where I was drinking..I see where he's coming from because Im not the kind of person that should be out having that kind of fun. I should be bowling, ice-skating or something more productive..even then when the snow melts should be jogging an quitting smoking so that I can get my body built for future goals.

Im not sure what else to say.

I just have realized the person that I am and the great things I can do with my life... and I've never seen these things before...until I talked to a friend...and so im kinda in this place of realizing I can make a difference... in my life and the lives of those who around me...

I just have to let go of famliar things..I have to stop being comfortable in the place Im at...

that's my plan...thats my goal and that's what i hope for this year.