never enough

where to begin?

I think that' I've sabotaged my own self.. I had an appointment today that I made sure I didn't go too.. I knew that I needed to go but I didn't.. I knew it's been too long since i gone but I didn't go I still didn't.. I stayed.. and then it's just like why would I do that?

Because Im scared...not of the reaction of what my counselor would say about anythng.. but what I would see after saying those things.. I mean seriously..as much as I've been in knowledge of the choices I've made..it's not really kicked in and Im worried of the results of it.. but what can I do really?
I have always learned for my own damn self that I need to face consequences head on.. regardless that I am alone and I got no one else with me..and that who knows what will happen. this is my choice, my responsibilty..it's all on me..

that's why I love that quote

"My will shall shape the future. whethere I fail or succeed shall be no mans doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; MY responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to MY destiny"

I know that in the end...this is all me..instead of going past this obstacle..instead of making the right decision..instead of turning the other cheek..instead of listening to my heart...I listened to my pain..I listened to the nights cries.. I listened to the baby's cry.. I looked into her eyes.. I felt her hand in mine.. I knew... and I knew this is what I had to do.. with each punch of my knuckles on that cold night, hitting shattered glass I continued to see my hand dripping with blood..and all's I could think of was all my anger, all my hurt..all the hurt I went through to get me to the place where I am and or was... how could I face that again? how do I walk through that agian? something that should have DESTROYED ME! has only angered me..
as if to say there's an angry beast living in my heart...resting in my soul..waiting,... prowling for an opportunity to pounce..to prowl..to hurt..to scar... to be all that I don't want to be..

I found myself tonight saying a children's laliby but not just any...but the one "where the bible tells me so" and I snapped out of it..and thought to myself.. why am I thinking of that? Look at what i've done..what have I become?
Someone who has a great opportunity...great future just waiting for me..calling me.. a great destiny just ahead...and what have I done? not that my future has gone away.. but that I not sure I ever will feel the same again...

is it really possible to become who I used to be? do I really believe in God? but then when I say something like that...how could I not?
People have heard my stories..heard my heart when I was yearning for God.. the love I had for him was so magnificent that I always was just waiting for the next step...
instead I've allowed myself..to take myself..I've allowed those terrible times, these terrible times to linger in my life..and now Im ashamed... How could one be like this? how can someone return from this? I dont' really know if I want too..but I don't think I can hold together without him... I mean without him I would not be where I have come...but I also know that without him.. just look at what I've become.. confused..lost..hurt..and totally unsure of what's right and wrong.. I know it in my heart..but I also have not been following my heart..

well...

that's my thoughts for today...


other then that.. TODAY would have been my cousin's birthday..and I need some time on my own.. I miss him so much...and hate how this has all become..and I hate that I seen him that once I mean Im grateful but I also..am completely broken about that..and it's just so crazy.. and I dont know what IM going to day today.. I have one shot..and I going to take it but I also don't want too...how do we celebrate those people? I mean my cousins are going to the crash site but no matter what I don't think I could ever come to that place of being at that place..I would do it for my cousins but I dont want too..every inch of my being would parish..every part of me would fall apart..and I would breakdown all over agian... because this has been one of the most difficult struggles for me to have to deal with..

I dont know...what to do.. where to go...who to talk too...

if not that..my ex and I are talking again...three weeks we been broken up..and people been asking me would I get back together..and I like I don't know...that was a traumatic time for me and being in a relationship for me right now is too overwhelming regardless of how much love there was there... I just know that I got so much shit going on in my head.so much hurt going on in my heart.. I could not handle it..but at the same time.. I loved what I had.. I loved the way I felt..and I loved being with someone...but not at this time.. so Im fighting with myself.. because I have to let that go..and yet still be friends... it's completely crazy and confusing...and frustrating an amazing...all at the same time..

these are all my thoughts and Im sticking to it!


I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BRIAN AND I MISS YOU SO MUCH... REST IN PEACE COUSIN! I LOVE YOU...MISSING YOU... HAPPY BIRTHDAY CUZ!! XOXOXOXOXOXO

future up in smoke

It's been just over or about a week since I've written anything...

I have been so caught up in thinking that my future was going somewhere.I would become something or someone... I put too much faith in those around me to help me get places I have come to the understanding the only way Im going to get out there is to do it myself and stop waiting for great opportunities to come to me.
So I went and got a job..I now have a job I work nights.. Im sad deeply saddened that I did not get the jobs I was hoping for but I believe that everything is due in time. however time will also cripple me with certain things because of some things I have done in the past... I do not wish to say what those things are but that I know in the long run it will cripple my future opportunities.

However deep those wounds are I will still become all I can be. No matter what I decide or what those around me decide I will still be the one standing, and I will still be the one who is going to make it..No matter what lies are spoken in my mind, no matter how many times I have new scars on my body..I will still survive all this..
No one and nothing can make me give up...it is no longer in my blood..in my mind or in my heart. I am all about making it...regardless if that means that I will not become a police officer.. as long as Im doing something that will benefit others, as long as I do something that will encourage others, and as long as I have opportunities to bring others to greatness...to guide them, or even just point the way...it doesn't matter to me...as long as I am able to do that..it doesn't matter that I don't have a badge... or whatever... uniform or anything.. I will become something, someone regardless of everything...

Im fairly disappointed in these things but Im also trying not to allow them to effect me in any way.. although it's extremly difficult..because it's like everything I wanted to do I can't do, and everything I don't mind doing Im doing.. maybe it's just not the right time..these are not the right people to be connected too..I have no idea I just know that this has been fairly painful last few weeks..and Im glad that I got out there and found myself a job something I can do, something that doesn't pay well and everything..but something I can look at after work an say "yep that was me I accomplished that" I mean...really that's what I enjoy...and that's what I want to be doing..

I don't know if I should feel sad..or disappointed...kinda expected this..after everything.. but not like this.. I dont even know what to go to College for anymore..not sure if I can do all I wanted.. I will have to talk to my mentor and friend and find out what he says..however Im very much scared too just because I know just as much as everyone he of all people will be very disappointed but I know no matter what he loves me the same...it's just going to be diffiuclt to swallow for me to hear his words, or anything...

anyhow....

back in touch with some friends..different friends..encouraging friends and it's been going pretty good and whatever...

just sad and disappointed today... have every right too I guess...

burned

I have been through so many things in the last twenty for to thirty six hours..
I went from losing one of my best friends because my ex-girlfriend tried to say alot of garbage about me... to nearly losing my mind about all these feelings I once had...
I went from Sunday night of being cut loose from babysitting to a fight breaking out...and being afraid for myself...and those around me.

I think the only thing that really hurt me was the idea of losing my close friend because some girl was trying to make up all this garbage...what for? who know's what for...but my friends those who know me they know me well enough to deal with me directly..and I never have issues with anyone and if I do I'd tell them right to their face...Im fearless when it comes to problems like that because Im not going to be afraid...I don't even care about the little things...just as much as if there were people out there looking for me by now they would have found me because I usually am at the same places all the time and it's fine by me...lol... not trying to say that I ain't afraid of that kind of stuff...but I'm not allowing those kinds of people put fear in my life anymore because this is my life..and I will still continue on everyday of my life...I will not give up on my future...and I will not hide ever!

I was talking to my friend yesterday..we were talking about the person she loved...five years ago I was someone else...I might have been strong...but I was weak as I am now... emotionally I mean.. but now... five years later I am not afraid of these things that once haunted me five years ago because I have no reason to fear them... no one has anything on me because Im not the kind of person to bring that kinda pain on anyone you know? If I have problems with people I bring it up directly..because that's the kind of person I am...there isn't reason to hurt me unless someone is saying lies to me.

Well I said I wasn't going to be dating anymore..just because there is way too much drama in that kind of life...and right now Im looking after me..meaning I am applying to school.. applying to jobs..and spending meaninful time with my family... I am trying really hard to focus on myself because as desirable there are people out there that I may like, or be interested in.. I also know that I need to focus on me..there are so many obstacles in relationships and so many things in relationships Im just like you know what I can't do it..I want to every part of me wants too but I can't because I have to figure out my life and figure out these anger things before I get involved with anyone again...it makes sense...

well my friend in Surrey won't be around for another week...it sucks so much because I loved chillin with them...I miss being around them...I miss having that time away from home... I mean everytime I was there it was like my home and I totally loved it...I mean I always had so much fun being out there...and just enjoying life..no phone calls..no drama anymore because Im single now...and no anything that happens if I was in Vancouver... but I have to wait and now I am hoping I will get out there on Friday or Saturday to chill with my homeboys girl..just chill and I dont know..see how it goes...

emotional wise...and other things wise...because of the situation that happened yesterday.. well it really effected me and I know that ex did it to get to me...she went after my heart when she tried to say all that garbage about me with my best friend...but Im so glad my friend knows how much I care and how much I'll never be gone...and I'll never say any of this garbage unless I say it to her face first... but because of that situation...my month of not doing it has changed and I started back up again...I couldn't cry about it because I couldn't let the ex know she got me good with this...instead I did something else...and I don't regret it because I couldnt talk to anyone.. couldn't write about it because I had no sleep yesterday...and so I did the next and only thing I could...
I feel bad but at the same time..Im alright and Im still alive..and things are good with my friend we are fine...and she is no longer going to listen to the ex...and who knows how things will go from now on...but I believe and want to do more then I am..but I ain't like that.. I am someone different and everything..

anyhow I gotta go...Im doing alright...hopefully this week will be better then it has been so far.

Because I love him

I met him on Christmas day...this young child...this little boy...a part of me was terrified of him because I've always had a fear of children especially young babies...he was seven months when I met him.... it took him all of a few hours to be glued to me at my side...
I've never cared about a child the way I care about this little boy....

It brings back bad memories...of the child being left alone so often....it helps remind me how lucky my brothers and sisters are now that my own mother has cleaned up her life...and is only their for her children....
When I was a kid...I didn't have that...I used to have to make things on my own...I had to walk the streets of vancouver...not just any streets but the horrible sides of east vancouver....looking searching for my mom...so many people were always like that's Sheldon's daughter... I was never bothered but it was so sad to know and realize how difficult it was....

I had to make a difficult decision today and Im not sure what's going to happen this week..but I know that people will not love me the same way....but this is how I love this kid...I love him to know that he deserves so much better then this...he deserves greatness..and he deserves to have a great shot at the love that he needs...the care he needs...the everything a baby needs.

I am not happy about my deciision and Im really afraid to see what happens...but in the end it's true...that the mother will realize how important she is to him, and how important it is for her to be there for him...to be there all the time... when she decided to keep him..she decided or needs to decide to give up all else to be there for him... I mean Im not the one to speak cause I don't have children...but I know that it's difficult to always be there for the children...
I have raised four of my brothers and sisters...and I moved away to try and get things back together in my life..tried to make my life survive..tried to be alive...tried to breath fresh air, tried to see the sun shinning...not always seeing the hurt that goes around in our daily lives...not allowing myself to become depressed or hurt by the little things in life...

Im not sure if I made the right decision..but I know that I love this little boy..and if I could I'd be there for him all the time...always with him...but Im not his mother...but he loves me so much.. I mean when he sees me he stops crying..when he knows Im lying beside him..he sleeps peacefully.. when Im with him..he's secure...safe...and when he cries Im the first person he sees because I'd give it all up for him to be alright....

I don't know...I dont know really anything....

All's I know is I've loved this boy since the first time he slept in my arms...I ached with so much pain having to hold him for so long...but I didn't care because I love him that much...
the first night I babysat him I was left alone with him for over a day and a half...and it was not fun because I was exhausted from being tired..I had to catch a cab over to my mother's just to get some sleep....my heart goes out to him more then anything else.

I dont know what else to say...Im really sad about what's happened..Im sad that I had to do this.. but I know that I know...this is what's best for him..and if nothing happens well it's alright she will realize we are not playing games anymore...and we won't be there for her when she needs a time drinking..or whatever she decides to do.....

anyhow...I have to go...Im still with my little precious cousin...and I just wanted to vent a bit because I feel really terrible....

Emotionless

The last time I wrote...Im not sure what I said...but it's all crazy either way!

The last few days I've spent some time with different crowds hearing different things...at the end of it all...we are all still trying to survive the loss of those around us... One of my friends homegirl past away...and it's been a huge struggle for everyone.... If not that we are still bringing up the death of my cousin...it's not been fun or easy or something I can comfortablly talk about..
These last few days I've found myself...seperating myself from everyone with my own open wounds of my own stupidity...or even then just trying to figure out...what's going to happen in this world...what's going to happen in my life..

We can all agree everyone who's anyone that knows me right now...has come to realize how angry and aggressive I've become not really sure why....the big question is why Im angry you know? I mean... I can not explain this anger...this frustration...this pain in my life... and people asking me whats going on...and I have no idea...
we think about it...I get angry when people talk about child abuse, I get angry when people talk about the death of someone I know or love, I get angry when people are treating me poorily, and I get angry when I feel that Im threatened in anyway...
However...there are other things that contribute to my anger...our friends rub off on us... and since I been hanging with some people my temper has shortened and Im always ready to desire to hit someone...I never do just because no one has done anything to me...but I've found myself being angry...frustrated...

as for emotional...well I guess Im in a state of always being sad..thinking about the things in my life that I've lost..thinking about the things I left behind....thinking about the friends that have changed...thinking about the love that I've lost... it's not easy to deal with...and not something I can talk to anyone really..about... I mean I don't know why I feel the way I do...but Im feeling pretty broken up about everything that's gone on this last week..
I read something today and his words were so inspiring...he doesn't regret everything in his life.. he's young and stuff...but he has no regrets..
I wish that I could say the same thing...but theres one regret...one pain...one hurt.. that I cannot cure with a bottle, or with medication...or with anything...else... does that sound crazy? to care about the feelings of my friend? am I crazy to just want to apologize and walk our seperate ways rather then just walking away... I dont need to explain anything because everything was my fault not really but mainly...and the way I lashed out in anger like that was not cool...and has wrecked this relationship probably forever...and I'll never be alright with that... I mean I understand that some of my friends I'll not talk to them forever...but others...like this one.. has ended so terribly so horrific...I can't believe this one thing...this one thing I've done wrong...

So either way...as for my job...the one I really really really wanted...I didn't get it because I need a driver's licence and although Im in the process of that...it's not good enough..because of all the drama we have to go through to become an actual driver in BC.. but at least I have a job hopefully next year... but for this year...well I will probably be working with CAS..which should be good because I will still be working with the same people just in a different sector...not the same thing exactly..but I'll still see the people I want to know, get to know...learn from and all that stuff...

well... I think I've talked about everything I want to talk about today.. I have to sign off to grab some food...

ttyl

broken bridges

I never understood this concept of broken bridges or burning bridges until recently... I don't know where i was or what I was doing....but my long-time friend and partner...has finally given up on me and I've finally come to the point of no longer being there when she calls... it's not an easy task but I know this is what I've got to do...I can't wait around and constantly be here like this anymore... I have continued to do my best but continued time after time failing at everything I want to do...

I've never heard of someone being afraid for their life especially when it comes to me.. I mean I know if you ever should be afraid it's only when you've hurt me....but otherwise I've never hurt anyone in any physical sense and I've never had to raise my hands in anger to hurt someone.. but apparently the other night my long-time friend was afraid for herself...and she had no reason to be afraid and I've burned that bridge down to the ground with broken pieces all over the place... but this time I showed no emotion about it...this time I did not cry because I know that this is finally the end result to this thing...I can't do it like this anymore....

I have opportunities for my future that will change EVERYTHING in my life I no longer will have to worry about my financial situation...and yeah I did have a few problems but Im looking forward to changing everything and me getting this job will help me with that...because Im not wanting to end up like anything terrible you know? I mean Im sad to see how things are going down the way they are...but the end result is that I've become an angry person....
There isn't really much reason for me being angry...but apparently there are alot of things I must worry about or do or something...either way I realize now that as happy as I might have been five years ago..things have changed in such a dreadful way...and I now have the opportunity to make things work out... I mean I loook at my life years ago and yes I was not happy even then...and things have built up in my life that have been extreme for me... every outburst of anger is out of some kind of trigger and then it's just surface...I've not been myself since moving back....I've felt like I've started to lose myself in this life of men....

Do you know I don't even hang out with woman anymore? majority of the time Im hanging with the guys and for me that's not a good thing because when that happens...we form to the people we hang out with and maybe that's why everything for my friendships and relationships is falling apart...I've lost myself in being insensitive and unaware to the feelings of those I care about... just today my younger brother was like holy it's been so long since he has seen me...that was a little hard for me to hear and I almost wanted to stay home but I can't...Im too afraid to stay home because I don't like doing nothing....when Im doing nothing all's Im thinking about is will I ever get through this thing with my friend...because I really really messed up beyond any opportunity to return or recover from that....

I haven't talked to a Christian in so long about me....I mean I haven't had any friends out here who are talking to me or hanging with me... Im not sure I can handle it anymore...I just want to be on my own and just not I dont know... I mean a part of me does not want to care for the important things in life because I feel I've lost so much more then I've wanted too.... but at the same time that part of me...that girl that woman of me...it's still there...it does not matter if Im hanging with guys all the time and they treat me like Im a guy and one of the crew...it's not really who I am...and the more I continue to be there with them the more a part of me is slipping away and all of my girl friends they are all seeing that...they want to help me get out of that but they can't...I am not ready because Im not sure where I want to stand in my life...

as for the job...well the job will be a major break through and great opportunity for me to grow in my life...and get things rolling in my life..i just have to get the money I need to buy whatever I need for everything that is coming in my future....hopefully I'll figure this all out...
I mean I've been having no fun...but fun...but not real fun...
I mean I cannot remember the last time I just hung out and chilled like a fun girl...just going out for dinner...going and doing crazy fun things...the last time I had real fun...not the fun I have after hanging with my boys...

Im not sure where Im going with any of this...but Im starting to realize as this bridge is broken that I'll never return if I continue to go down this path and I really don't want to screw things up but I also am not sure how to keep myself busy...........

I miss my life...I miss my heartfelt moments...and I miss my smile...I miss laughing and I miss loving life the way life was created to be loved...

I hope that I will get through this..because I have found myself losing myself in all this stuff.. and I've become more angry...more hurt and more unsure of what I really want to do with my life.. and hope that I'll figure this out and if that bridge is forever broken it was my fault...I should never treat anyone the way i treated this person...

good night

new opportunities

It's been a rough week..Im finally slowly getting over this head cold or whatever it has been. I have spent the last few days hanging out with random people and just hanging out.
I have still been with this girl...but we are not together because I said some things while under the influence and it's really made a mess of things.. but I guess I just have to wait and see what happens..it's not been fun because I have felt extremly terrible about the things I had said and hope that even if we don't get back together that we can still be friends. She was a great friend when we knew eachother back in the day and it would be sad to lose everything over this mishap.
Other then that...well court date was yesterday Im not sure how comfortable I feel about talking about it...I mean it was really difficult for me to be in that court room and not having anyone there with me to guide me, or help me through it...apparently the court is delayed again for sentencing until end of next month...I can't wait until this court thing just goes out the door and hopefully see justice happen..I dont like the idea of this whole court thing and it often breaks me up from everything but I can only pray that it will all work out.
Apparently people were afraid of me entering into that court room because apparently I looked extremly violent and might have done something if I had seen him outside the court room. but I didn't because it's not my job, Im not a judge and I may pass judgement on that guy but it does not mean that I have any right to hurt him myself...

Im finally getthing things rolling with jobs and stuff...Im trying to get this one job working with VPD but I have to get my lisence first so Im working on the book at the moment and hope that I can get this the first time and not have to do it again...I really hope that it wil work out for me this summer because I really want to make it with the police idea... I really have become more passionate about getting into the idea of becoming a police officer.. I mean I know that I've grown up in not such a great life, but I want to make it and I want to really just make it.. I mean yesterday my friend Dave was worried about me because he didn't like hearing what I've been doing with my life...and having idle hands I guess is what you can call it...I've not made much imporvement in figuring things out in my life...Im just trying to figure out what I would like to do...I mean do I want to go to school in September or later? but as far as I know I missed the deadline which would have been today so I'll have to wait until the next semster and hopefully by then I'll have more people helping me figure all this out.
I have been thinking alot about my money situations..I mean I owe so much money to so many things and so Im considering going to work at this place by broadway but I really am not sure how safe it would be for me.... lots of people don't like me and it's not for any reason they just don't like me...and when I think of that all's I think is you know what Im here... Im not moving Im not running away or anything...Im going to make it and I will always make it you know?

I know people are worried about me...especially close friends who hear what I've been doing, or where I been hanging around...but it does not stop me from making it...I've always been surviving everything in my life and there aint no way Im going to fail.. I am never going to turn out like my sister...I will never touch drugs, and I'll never end up on the streets..Im so much smarter then that and I know better..it's not everyday that someone like me makes it you know? it's a rare thing and I want to prove to all my buddies, all my family and friends that we can do it...we can go through the worst things in the world, we can desire the pain to stop, and just everything..but we can pull through...we were created to pull through..
and yet I know alot of people...when I walk downtown...I see majority are native people.. and I know their struggle, I know their hurt...but thats no excuse to end up down there.. people tell me to take pride in my heritage and it ain't that I dont have pride but a part of me will always be broken when I see young kids young teens getting into gangster life, or when they start husseling the streets...there is a way we can pull through all that....
it's all about believeing in ourselves...believeing that even though we been through the worst that we can still stand up, rise up...there ain't no reason for all that pain...yeah there is but everyone has struggled everyone's been hurt...but there is no excuse to be on the streets..yes addictions are hard believe me I'll be first to say that...but it beats dying down there... there is a way through that..and no one can tell me different..
My dad died down there..and yet look where I am? I talking about making it...Im talking like I never touch that stuff never have and never will..because I've seen the pain that brings into my family, I remember the emtional scars I suffered from both my parents being down there.. I remember those hard nights, I remember everything like that...but I ain't drinking, or doing drugs or ruining my life..Im trying to make it because I believe that I can..and I know that I been struggling, and I have felt like giving up...but I got amazing people in my life helping me pull through every obstacle in my way..
If not looking at my dad..then look at my mom...this woman has been through horrible things in her life, she got into that life of drugs and alcohol too..I seen her take her first needle..I remember those things..and yet today...she been cleaning 13yrs this October...my mom has pulled through and she did it just in time..because just a year after my father died of his drug overdose...and she been clean ever since...and yes she still has struggles but it's all emotional struggles..she dont got any addicitons..she is not doing drugs, she is not drinking and that's been for thirteen years..she helps run the A.A. meetings she's an amazing woman of strength...and Im really proud of her...
so see..there is pain on both sides of seeing all these drugs take over the lives of those I love. my older sister would be another example she been on the streets for decade and she still alive but she is not looking so good..and I believe strongly that she will make it and she will pull through all these painful things in her life...she is a survivor and yes she been through alot too...far more worse then ANYONE could ever imagine but I love her and always have and always will..and when she says she ready to quick all that stuff I will be the first one to walk her through the door or whatever..she can make it..she is a survivor...

lots on my mind I guess...but I know that I'll make it at whatever I decide to do...

as I leave I want to leave this quote I read on the internet...

"My will shall shape the future. whether I fail or succeed, shall be no mans doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; My responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my Destiny."

Awesome!!