just the beginning

what does it mean to be broken? I've always been afraid of that you know? I mean my couselor when she heard that I cried the one day for about a second it truly suprised her... and I thought wow am I really that hardcore?
I mean when I was in Ontario at NLGH I was all about pouring out everything before God and doing all that stuff you know...and now all of a sudden I got things going differently so much more differently here in Vancouver..who knows whats really going on..
I've been meeting people...people who have so much respect for me..who have my back if anything ever happened to me..or who are there when the worst possible moments in my life are happening..well we don't have very many of those moments... but the other day was my father's what would have been my father's 46th birthday... I handled it well.. but I had planned on going out for a drink with my homeboy and some friends..but it didn't work out because I couldn't get any money...
my brother came home pissed off because he needed money.. so since I didn't have enough money for anything I just threw my money at my brother and said whatever...and then I ended up going out even then...my homeboy called me out for a 60 pounder.. they were all kind enough to pour some of that stuff out for my father..it meant the world to me...
however...more and more each day Im realizing..the lies I've come to believe..the things that aren't true are made true right before me...

I've become what I didn't want to be...I no longer spend ANY of my time at home because it's only stress here..and I never get things going..I try and try and fail, and am conquered by the fact these kids don't want structure if they did they'd do better than this.. so I go out as often and pretty much everyday.. and normally Im out drinking...but the thing with me is that I never allow myself to get drunk...I always feel like a mother because I always am looking after everyone else, and if not that then I want to be straight for myself...I dont want to ever come back to my mom's acting foolishly..
I had lost my appetite for so long..but now Im constantly hungry..Im not sure what that's all about because Im worried..sometimes I'll go a week without eating and other times I'll eat till I feel like getting sick...

im supposed to apply to College but Im not sure what to apply for..Im supposed to be jogging and working out..and everything...instead my homeboy or my homegirl or my girl..they call me up and invite me out for whatever...and I always want to say no...but I can't...just to get out of here..just to breath air...get away from nagging children, away from them...it really is what I love..and Im sad to say I don't think I want children you know...I mean last year when I was with the guy in Ontario..I wanted children..I mean I love young children..like Jordan, Dilon, Erik, or Elijah..but other then that I dont think I'd ever want children..I honestly can't stand them after a while..my counselor says it's that time where my brothers and sisters will be going through the teenage years..and I just want to bah... I just get too stressed trying to deal with them.

As for how I've been..well I've been away alot...travelling the beautiful streets of Vancouver, bumping into old flames, old childhood friends...and drinking...

My counselor and I talked about my mom... when Mary was my counselor almost four years ago.. she had helped me understand my mom..she helped me forgive my mom... and yet.. four years later...I've lost some respect for her..the only reason is that she never told me what happened to my youngest sister..and that eats away at me everytime I talk to her..because I just think what else is she holding back from me you know? everyone is always saying she did it to protect you, she knew what you would do for what happened...and yet...do you really know? do I even really know what would have happened..no I don't.. I dont just as much as anyone who knows me as much as they say they would know...no one really knows..and maybe God knew.. maybe it was him that helped my mom not tell me..knowing Ontario was the best thing that could ever happen to me...it saved me...and i could have walked the line but no...not being here.. Im trying walk back up this stuff as a woman..but it's not easy...

lots of people...are noticing the anger I got in my heart... the bruises on my knuckles, the scars on my arm..on my side... Im all about pain.. and all about not knowing how to deal with feelings.. not knowing who to trust, and what to do...I've become this I dont know.. I dont even know how to explain what I've become..and Im scared to see it you know? so many of my friends are rooting for greatness to come out of me...and I got so many people hoping I make it..believeing I'll make it...but at the same time.. give me a moment to myself..and I can't even begin to tell you the thoughts that I've been having... we all joke around about it..we all act like whatever..but really leave me in a room for too long and I'm gonna contemplate the worst thing ever because I have never felt so broken..never felt so wounded..so hurt..so ready to I dont even know what it is you know?
anger...has become my life..has become the new face of me again.... more stronger, more taller, and more fearless then before...and I got this respect from people, I got people who really care about me and I probably only met them a couple weeks ago...and yet their there...how crazy is that? now you ask me where my people are...those people who once were there nearly ten years ago?
well I can't even or don't even want to get into that... things change and more and more I see that.. and Im alright with that because you know...growing..letting things go...that's all about this life now you know?

either way my homeboy called me up I gotta go meet up with him...but Im glad to be writing.. i hardly have time or am straight enough to be able to say anything...but Im glad to be writing that's all I know...it means alot to do that...
anyhow
gotta go