Thursday, February 28, 2008

busy few days

Im not sure where or when I had gotten confused about what's going on in my life.. and Im not sure what to do about it.. and then yet if I choose then something will come up and try sweep it away again.
I still think of Sean like everyday hoping he's doing alright and hoping that one day he will talk to me.. but at the same time I need to let him go and Im not sure what to do..If not that Im dating someone here in Vancouver and it's great but it's got the downfall that Im always thinking of Sean. The guy here doesn't mind much well actually he does but he has been trying to accept that Im having a hard time letting Sean go...

Im hoping to have an appointment with my counselor next week..and honestly wish I had gone away with my friend because I probably would be feeling so much better then how Im feeling right now.. I hate writing on here especially when things aren't all they should be..
I spent three days babysitting my brothers and sisters and it drove me crazy and I realized that I can't do this sort of thing anymore.. I mean I can't be here for too much longer I need to move out, I need my own space it's been five years since I lived with my mom..and it's never felt so uncomfortable.. and if not that then blah.

I think I'm just going through a transition phase and it's not going all good and it's really frustrating and I wish there was more I could do.. More to be able to settle here.. but it's not looking so good.. I finally have the papers to apply to College I just have to find the time to go and talk to someone about helping me apply to College..not easy because if Im not sleeping then Im taking my brother to and from school, and being home when my mom isn't.. I honestly don't care the kids are old enough I don't believe in leaving them alone for very long.. Im very protective of them and yeah it's not a good thing but who can really blame me?
So yeah... if not that then Im being distracted but other people..and I guess that's a fairly terrible thing and maybe this dating scene is not such a good idea..and even then... when I think of it.. I dont know Im just so confused... I really just want to spend some time alone..time away from my phone that continuaiously rings and bothers me...through the night, during the day..all the time.. yet I need to have that phone..bah!

I've got back in touch with old friends...not sure how good of an idea that was..but I got the truth about situations in the past, and people who are out to get me.. so that has been good to know but yeah...theres something about being back...before it was always being afraid to go places and be places..and now it's like you know what you do what you gotta do but Im not going to be intimidated by you any longer..isn't that something? I feel like I just stopped being afraid because you know as far as I know no one has any real need to hurt me I've never really done anything wrong and so if I get beaten up...well whatever..let it go... starting fresh and unafraid.

Im hoping to get this job in March so that I can make up some money to move out of my mother's I find it so uncomfortable..I can hardly have people over and time just to's always about the kids and my mom..and if not that bah... it's just not a good idea for me to be living much as my mom might love having me..Im an adult and really need my own space..which means some things have to my life.. such as job search, as well as letting welfare know that I've moved..and past employment that I need my t4 or whatever..

Do you think it's alright to struggle? I mean to fall back into some old habits...not out of them being old habits but not able to walk the right way...I mean seriously.. I can't even say anything I dont want too but I know that there are things going on in my life..that I wish were not happening and Im not sure how to get myself out of these things..

the last few days..I've been having this terrible dream, and feeling that something terrible is about to happen...and it worries me... and especially with the things that are going on in my life.. and I dont know what to do..I mean really I do..but at the same time Im struggling to do it.. I dont know what else I can say.. Im struggling extremely and Im kinda feeling like Im losing myself in old life, old ways..i've developed new ideas, habits but Im also struggling to fight through this stuff.. I mean it's not as easy as I thought it was, and bah.. I dont know what I should be doing..or what I could be doing.. and I hope to God I figure it out before something terrible does happen...................

No comments: