first day

How to explain the last two days of my life?
I feel like I was going crazy looking back at everything I was doing.. I worked for Randy's school for a couple days with a lady that drove me crazy because I thought she was a crazy lady with too much on her plate...until I heard her side of the story of how so many people just abandoned her at the time she needed them most..
Im glad that I was there for her and able to help with what I could, however the thing with volunteering is that our lives don't get put on hold for this kind of work...we go home to our lives however rough it might be...I ended up having that situation happen to me and as muhc as I tried to brush off the life outside of the workplace it just added continued tension that was there... So I did not help my enivronment anymore then anyone else did.. we were all putting so much work into this stuff with what did not seem to be any rewards in the end you know? I mean a feeling accomplishment was not there for anyone of us because things were behind, and not done and everything just was a mess...but if we as in the workers knew the stress our boss was under I think we would have given her more slack rather then allowing ourselves to fall into gossip into a frenzy of what a %%tch she had been acting... To be honest she put herself out there for us and we did not allow ourselves to think outside of the box we were all feeling tense of all the work we had to do... so now there's this circle of words going around and no one really just sitting down and saying ok this is what happen, this is how I felt.. I dont know what to do about that..but I got to spend some time with the supervisor after the evening was done and we got to talking and I expressed how I had felt and what I had said, and what others had said that helped influence my feelings about her...and then I got to hear all the garbage she's had to deal with the last three weeks...
so that was actually just the beginning of my work... I also had been working for the talking stick which is the most rewarding part of everything.. I clocked in at about 2 and helped set-up for the evening and then I ended up staying for the evening doing the sellings of their merchandise...I allowed myself to become consumed with some terrible thoughts and I need to break down and I did...it was not a pretty site but it wasn't just the volunteer work..it was my family, it was my brother... I have continued to feel the way I do about my brother and hope that he will do things on his own and just grow in his life..I no longer can be that guide for him to lean on in times of trouble, I can encourage him to reach out to the people at his school and just really do those things because it's not my job.
it was funny because Randy didn't go to school yesterday but I went to his school and volunteered my time there...and it was just drama with my brother and we aren't dealing with it because there isn't anything I can do with that... Im suprised though... one of the people actually the lady I was working with she said she had sensed the abuse my brother suffered...it's funny that somepeople have that sensing and hardly spend any time with anyone...however I can't remember who it was but they hadn't realized that I had lived through those sorts of abuse as a child as well.. I guess I've grown in the sense of my insecurities, and loving myself..which is a good step in the right direction...
as for the rest of my evening...I went and seen Sandy Scofield that was the highlight of my day..and I met some pretty amazing people because the talking stick was there all the important people..We were all relaxing and drinking too...I got to meet and talk to Margo herself which was an awesome thing for me because I was able to tell her about myself, I actually just really enjoyed that.. and it seemed like a good time to socialize and it was.. I was so sad that some of my friends couldn't come out, and that some of the people I had met earlier on that evening were not able to come out..
Im not sure if I'll see those people that I met yesterday again..but if I do great..but if I don't it's always those moments of just being there and having the moments to touch someone elses life..
do you know whats difficult? to address myself as a Christian! is that a bad thing I believe it is... the only reason is because Im not in a church and actually not doing anything with that for the very reason I've got some things to work out on my own.. but then there's the fact that Im also enjoying life in a way that God would probably not be pleased..the enemy has been playing on my weaknesses.. its not just the drinking and having fun there's more to it...
and if not that...Im trying to let go of Ontario.. trying to let go of one man.. I dont know what happened, I don't know why we are bonded or if we are...but I've allowed myself to believe that Im going to wait for him..he doesn't return my phone calls or e-mails, but I continue to say Im not available to other men who are interested... I think because I never really said Good bye it makes it more difficult to actually believe that this is the end..Im still holding onto hope that I might see him again, or that he will just talk to me...but he doesn't.. he's gone and thats the problem with him is that he's never really been there..but when he was it was the greatest thing in the world, and I felt so alive, so happy so something that I'd not felt before.. and to have that gone to have him gone...Im having a hard time coming to reality youknow?
Im lame ass person who really cares about someone that I'll never see again...someone I miss every minute of my life.. a heartbreak that was never broken...its like im dangling in hope that he will call, or he will write me..and yet he won't... he's gone his own way.. he has manipulated me into this room of him... the sweet aroma of his voice, his beautiful sweet gentle eyes, and his smurk awe man alive! I hate that.. I hate that I miss him and I hate that I can't let him go. no matter what I do! He left me incomplete.