Friday, February 8, 2008

letting go

I have to admit that I have not allowed myself to think of the circumstances of my life and the things I had to face in Ontario. I have avoided the topic of that life that I had to lead, one day I know that I'll have to share the dark secrets of my life... Today I watched a show and one lady shared a story to a younger girl to help her overcome her fears or her pain. I guess that's how it will be with my future I will have to let others see the past of my life and a majority of it I am not afraid to share...however this last year of my life I've never felt so irresponsible for my choices and so childhish I decided to act in a way that I regret terribly.
I began to lose myself in my drinking and partying thinking that this is what I needed to do in order to live, to survive the terrible pain that had awaited me... I made myself believe that this was the only way and that I could not go any other way because I had tried so many things to get this terrible pain away, no one really understood how it felt for me to have to live like this.. To know that my youngest sister...I can't even get into it.

either way for me to leave all that I had in Ontario.. And come back here the place where all the pain had begun...It seemed impossible in the beginning to be able to be in this place, to look at innoncence the same way...It seemed like a monster out to torture every fibre of my being to try and help terrorize me into doing something I'd regret but to feel that in that way there would be justice in this place.. I thank God that I have God so close to me, so close..Im grateful that he has put people into my life to remind me of what Im living for, why Im alive and what I have been created for...If not for that I would not be able to have this kind of strength, to love instead of hate, to pray instead of prey on the weak... To be here as their sister and friend and not their super hero or villian out to hurt those who hurt them.. to encourage them not force them... It's taken alot of growing up on my part...
Letting go of Ontario life seemed easy but there are those moments...those moments when i wish I could see certain people one last time... People I wish I could just see, to look into their eyes and tell them I'll be okay.. So many people worry about me being back in this place and at times i worry but I know that this is the right thing to do...

I just miss a specific someone.. and I can't seem to just let that go... I hope that in time I'll be able to get on with my life.. to just know that all's I need right now is God and his love and guidance in my life. everything has been done at just the right time... I hope that this will just all come together soon and that I'll see the beauty in all that has happened...

thanks for listenning...ttyl

1 comment:

Tamatha said... just started this blog the other day and already you have three posts!:o)

Ya know...if you need can always come back to Ontario and start again. Or anywhere in the world for that matter!!