Im tired..that's all i want to say!
However that's not all that's happened todayl..lol.. I went to my brother's school and I volunteered for the school helping them put together some stuff for the festival....future suggestion never say to someone who needs help for work "I have no timeline Im free" because I ended up being there with them all day and night I just got home an hour ago... I hardly got a break or anything and I am just exhausted and cranky because Im exhausted..and yet I still have a routine evening of shower, and brushing my teeth...things that once seemed so simple are about to be the hardest things for me tonight.
I mean don't get me wrong I enjoyed the day because I got to meet some people, as well as some of randy's teachers and youth workers which was a great insight for me...because I want to be a "child and youth worker" and I got to talk to one of them today and it was just really awesome you know?? I mean the lady I talked to has been a youth worker for 14yrs and she finds it rewarding adn that makes me happy because that's what I want to do with my life!
other then that I spent the whole day looking at lines, and frames, and photos and walls..bah I don't want to do it again.. sadly enough though I'll be there tomorrow morning again but this time Im hoping to wear my running shoes but I likely won't because my boots are heeled so Im taller and its better in the rain..
Anyhow...other then that I went out with my cousins this last weekend on Saturday we went to a bar..had a couple drinks and just laughed and had a good time... I want to do that again but not anytime soon...I dont know what it is about drinking for me... but honestly in the beginning of my shift work today I felt like I was on drugs because I felt so alive, so happy and just awesome..it was great but it faded because I didn't eat, and I was getting tired..but it was fun because I made others happy and we all had a good time.. towards the end ofthe night we were all tense because of worrying about perfection, straight lines, and bah!
anyhow I had fun being out with my cousins..and it's difficult to be honest about something like that..because I know many would think how foolish it is for me to be drinking or going out and having a couple especially with my history...however sometimes I feel that I need to just blow off some steam, or just relax for one night.. one evening where Im away from routine, away from children and just chillin with some friends..
well my birthday is on Saturday...its hard to think that it's coming by because I already feel so old so to know my birthday's coming makes me want to stop having them because of the way I feel..more as the fact I feel old, I feel like I'd wake up tomorrow and I'll be so fragile so full of wrinkles, and gray hair...but that's not the case I guess it's just because of my maturity level that I feel older then I actually am.. thats kinda why I like going to the bar sometimes because I feel young, not like a kid but just young..Im not this old fart Im actually young and stuff...maybe I just need to have more fun Im not sure just yet.
well my french toast is ready...lol that's the only reason I was writing tonight..lol..
Honestly Im struggling with writing lately for the last month..I started a story I cannot finish, and realized maybe Im not supposed to finish, then I started a testmonial story and realized I'll finish that but that's not something I can share anytime soon... but I'm struggling with my writing so I need to find more time to be here in this place of writing, because it's here also I can be me..I can just write about anything and everything and it's my theriputic way of expressing myself, my emotions, fears etc...
I have alot more I want to say.. like...
this one thing thats bothering me.. I have a friend that I've known since I first heard of God...and yet it's been like ten or eleven years since I met this friend and yet I dont even know that person... Im not worried I'd lose her as a friend..but I feel like a bad friend... but maybe it's like my friend Donna it's more preserved friendship and more close but distant you know? Im not saying being friends with Donna is distant..but that its going to take time to get to know my friend..not like the rest of my friends getting toknow them seemed to be the easy and greatest part apart from the fact that I love them to pieces..I know each of their stories..but this one person..but maybe it's just a different kind of friendship...but there's a strong bond there you know? even though I dont know her all that well I do know her that well..maybe it's like my friendship with mary.. I mean Iknow Mary and I love her with every part of me but at the same time I am still getting to know Mary...everything is in time..and I can't force these things to come forth its not my timing its his...See I just figured all that out by writing it! YAY! I feel more alive and happy that I got to figure it out...
now I will sleep well tonight..thanks for listenning..