I've struggled to figure out what to say today you know? I mean to tell you that Im doing great and everything is a complete lie.. because honestly there's so much going on in my head.. and Im just so going krazee with fear...
I have been struggling with weaknesses and fears, and insecurities.. Apart from being an amazing person Im feeling like the worst person you'll ever know right now. Do you want the truth? the whole truth? im falling apart here in vancouver.. and apparently Im an alcholic again.. according to some... since my brother and this guy are together all the time...and all the new things my brother comes home with Im strugglin with holding my tongue because really what can I do about it? so because of that Im angry all the time..concerned all the time.. and my way of dealing with these things..only close friends will know that one.
Im listenning to hard core Christian music to try and make it through this...because Im finding myself more and more hating myself for ever thinking I could move here again! yet I can make it just not in this house, not living here..I mean when Im away from my family but close I feel great and have some really amazing times..but sitting here everyday dealing with everyone everyday, and chores, schedules, organizing everything is driving me crazy that yes you would find me out at a bar drinking with my cousins...
I have job opportunities for march but for now Im just trying to figure out my living situation because something has to change or else I don't think I'll make it..I think that I'll lose my mind and really fall to pieces.
I added to lyrics to two of the most amazing songs I've ever heard and am so glad I have them. there are so many more amazing songs but these are just a couple of them...
What do we do when we struggle in life? lots of people do different things..well this is my way of getting through this..apart from talking to my brother... I honestly cried and just said that I dont understand whats going on, but that he should be careful because a man doing these things for my brother has something attached to it you know? nothing is free like that and this man is just a huge concern to me...
If not dealing with that..then trying to deal with routine here at home.. the house is cleaner yes but there's still so much more potential for it.. I mean the kids don't like getting into routine they like the way they live..and it's not good because it's gonna really just man alive..I dont know.. I dont like it and we need more balance in the house...
i have decided that I'll be signing myself up for counselling at the aboriginal counselling centre. I think that as much as I love writing about things I also need someone to talk too...Im a little afraid of what that might look like but I guess it should be good.. it will help me a whole lot and I believe it's a step in the right direction..I just hope that I dont get my brothers and sisters counselor not that she isn't good...but that there's too much common ground for me there you know? I need a fresh pair of eyes on situations going on in my life....
so in the end of it all...Im struggling alot right now and trying to rest up from last week..having a reallly extremly difficult time eating food...that's not good either but I honestly am just struggling with everything..every time I get emotional or under stress my eating habits decrease tremendously..and they have...because i lost a bit of weight...not so good because apparently my wieght was good as some would say...Im trying my best to eat but it's so difficult because everything is so blah...
i find myself in a room listenning to music and looking into space...just sitting..not praying not talking, not writing just sitting...trying to figure out if what Im thinking is alright, or should I really be talking to someone about it youknow? then I call up a friend hoping I could chat with them but because of my shame and fear I back down because it's too terrible..its too out there.. and I dont want to go through this again... so then im back to just sitting there blasting my heavy rock...chillin, crying..
some might be saying why dont you pray? why don't I find a church...why don't I get through this with God... I dont even know how to answer that you know... after this last week of my life and everyone that has come into my life..Im completely confused and so lost, frustrated and just trying to figure this out..and yes the only way might be God.. but.. whatever
in the end..at the end of this evening..I've been crying.. and im not sure what to do now you know? I mean.. do I tell one of my friends...do I just leave it be? or do I scream at the top of my lungs...do I sit in the dark..
listen to my heart...what's it telling me? it's telling me that I've become a filthy child of God and that Im full of darkness...full of vengence, hate..full of hate on myself..vengence on myself.. just joking... its saying that I can do this... I was created to do this..created for greatness adn that I can manage this as terrible as it might seem...i can do this..I can go through this with the help of God...as far away from him as I might feel he's always so close..and he shows me that everyday through feelings, through friends..everything...
in the end Im not giving up...Im just ...
"Open Wounds" by Skillet
In the dark with the music on Wishing I was somewhere else Taking all your anger out on me, somebody help I would rather rot alone Then spend a minute with you I'm gone, I'm gone And you can't stop me from falling apart 'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault [Chorus]How could you, how could you, how could you hate me? When all I ever wanted to be was you? How could you, how could you, how could you love me? When all you ever gave me were open wounds? Downstairs the enemy sleeps Leaving the TV on Watching all the dreams we had turn into static Doesn't matter what I do Nothing's gonna change I'm never good enough And you can't stop me from falling apart 'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault [Chorus]Tell me why you broke me down and betrayed my trust in you I'm not giving up, giving in when will this war end? When will it end??You can't stop me from falling apart [3X]'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault. [Chorus]
"Kill Me Heal Me" by Skillet
Break my bones and reset me Piece by piece you break me Pick up the cross 'cause it's killing time How can I scream when the pain is Such a release I get the courage To pick up the nails 'cause it's killing time Kill me, heal me Kill me, heal me On and on Kill me, heal me Kill me, heal me On and on Breathing your love You're ferocious You're in my lungs Resuscitate Craving your electricity Feet to my pain you give Wings to my fear your peace Inhabits my blood Your love is thick Kill me, heal me Kill me, heal me On and on Kill me, heal me Kill me, heal me On and on I can't live without it I can't live without it I can't live without it I can't live without it Kill me, heal me Kill me, heal me On and on Kill me, heal me Kill me, heal me On and on Kill me, heal me Kill me, heal me On and on Kill me, heal me Kill me, heal me On and on
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