self destruction

I'm honestly grateful that in all my past of self destructive behaviour I was able to stay away from the hardcore addictive drugs.
I'm sad to say that I am watching a repeat happen of one of my family members being addicted to drugs and the stories, or bs that comes out of her mouth I just wonder if she knows what she is saying to us?
It's so terrible to watch her destroy herself and be absolutely helpless, voiceless, theres nothing I can do or say that would make her want to change or seek help. I basically have to stand by and watch her go through this. and be consistent in my "tough love" no I'm not giving you money, and no I cannot do this that or the other thing for you.
I worry about her the way I worried about my older sister... and now because I work in the dtes, I am always aware of what's going on, and who's what where when. and there are a lot of terrible people int he world, and they go downtown looking to cause harm.
the hardest stuff is recently finding out that Heroin which is a highly addictive drug, when I was a teenager I read all about those drugs, the effects, and the withdrawal etx. but I haven't done that in a long while, I wondered how long it lasted like the high lasted.. and I was surprised to hear or read it says like 30 mins! so someone has to spend 7-15 dollars every 30 mins just to maintain their high, as well as I'm sure they end up upping the dosage through continued use which means more money!
how does anyone be able to support their habit? I understand stealing and selling stuff, or begging for change, or collecting bottles, but how does anyone want or desire or need to go through that.
I feel like I've seen my sister hurting for dope more than actually doing it.. and even in her lowest of lows she won't seek help, and she believes that we (my family) is all here just laughing at her failure and I thought.. why would we be proud of something like this? we are all feeling like we failed, or something because she just started this heroin stuff a year ago, an now its completely out of control and destroying her life.
you know I hate the way she is now.. it's like not even knowing who she is anymore.. I wish I could help her, I wish I could get through to her. but I can't. I just I'm completely blown away that of all things that she could have done she did this!
I guess her feelings of abandonment were real, and her then boyfriend told her to do the drugs, told her if anything she should do them while he is doing it. and then they broke up and he's not doing drugs, and she is completely lost in those drugs.

I don't know what to do.... I don't know what to think. I'm worried, scared, and I don't want to lose my sister. I just wish there was something, or someway of getting through to her.. besides just standing by and watching her go through this.

thats all that Im gonna say

she blames me

on a separate note.. 

I think it took her over 20 years.. to say this to my face..

but for the first time hearing it from anyone..

I am being blamed for what happened to her over 20 years ago.. 

of all things that can break me this should have.. 

But I look at my kid and I know.. i have to be strong for him!

and so for now I severed all ties with my sister because i can't handle the shit she says, and I can't stand or forgive her for what she said.. even if it was out of anger? frustration whatever the shit is.. 

I can't shake what was said and I hope to never think of it again by writing it here.. and hopefully leaving it here.

something difficult

so... I have wanted and yearned to write but avoided it.. because I don't really want to say it! but its at a boiling point for me now..
on top of all the shitty things in my life.. actually no not the shitty things.. cause honestly this time has shown me how strong I am on my own, and how i don't need anyone. being a single mother, working full time, and dealing with my high stress job, and staying close to my family, and maybe once a month finding one night out for myself.. well I'm a fuckin rock star of greatness

but...

even in all my strength.. one thing weakens me.. one thing that is like kryptonite to superman, this is my kryptonite and its relationships.. not intimate ones.. believe me I'm far from ever wanting that.. it's hard enough life don't need it more complicated.
however friendships.. people I loved and adored for what 8 yrs? friendships, connections that have gone very deep within my soul, rooted in all my beauty of love and devotion, commitment etc?
all of these connections, all these lasting connections I thought I had.. vanished! literally vanished! I recently wrote a post on Facebook asking if anyone would be willing to go stand with me in court and very very very (one) responded to say yes. it showed me for the first time..

all those wonderful people I spent years admiring are gone..

life changes.. cycle changes? whatever the fuck changes.. fuck changes!

it happens often.. and its part of life.. its part of reality of our lives, and its my human being soul piece to miss, want, and yearn for that connection, to want to avoid that change. but reality is sinking in.. that those people I loved.. are gone
the only thing I have as their memory is memories itself.. once upon time we were there, or hearing their voice, feeling their eyes.. whatever the fuck it is..
I hate it!

yes in a way it's my way of saying I miss them. but I'm in a place right now where I hate them! I hate that I became vulnerable, I hate that I loved them, and let them love me! I hate that I spent years of my life connecting, and everything just to see it gone..
it happened when I was younger too..

all those beautiful relationships I had for years on years is also gone.. and it's part of life. believe I've been through it!
but this I thought was different.. I thought these lasting connections could handle a bomb, a natural disaster I thought it was going to be forever..

regardless it's not. and I hate it.. I hate how I am reminded of it.. of them. and of their love and connection, I hate that on my birthday a day we usually celebrated no one even remembered my birthday, some who were close to me all those years told me after my birthday happy birthday.. and that hurt like hell. like I had never mattered.

regardless I feel haunted.. yes it's good to feel those feeling and remember who I was so many years ago, but when will it stop? it's hard enough to go through it and go through it alone nonetheless.
being a mom now.. my life is different...

I can't even describe the differences.. and how hard it is to find the balance... I am beyond lucky for my job because they have supported me being a new mom, and allowed me to be there when I can, and away when I need to be..
other than work!

its a full time job taking care of my little one! I cannot believe how long him and I have been together, I love that he loves me so much! and hopefully he knows how much i love him! I can't describe what it's like to look into his eyes, or to have him do something just to see me smile, or reach out for me because I am truly the only person who can comfort him. I am beyond grateful
and maybe all those lasting relationships led me here.. led me to connect with my LO, led me to feel what I feel, and maybe made me feel like I never want to leave him.. One day he will leave me and I will still be here when he comes back, because there is nothing more powerful than my love for him!.
I don't know..

its been the weirdest time of my life! and for me he is all that matters..
its just hard to drive by places and see where I was, and who I was so many years ago.. and to be where I am today.. I cannot describe that feeling..

I just keep moving forward and do what I can.. but I still feel this pain? this hardship towards relationships, or being wounded by what I've gone through in the past year.
I'm having a hard time learning to cope with my current situation, and to let go of those people who I love and will forever love, but I also hate because we likely never will be where we were again, and yes that's a good thing but I had high hopes for our future and now it's shattered, and I don't know what my future is anymore

all's I know is apart from that heartache,.. I am in a place where I need no one, and only one person needs me.. and he is with me everyday..
it's just different. it's change... change is not fun.. but I am trying to be ok...

I love you! always and will be here always if you ever need me!

harsh reality

Its been a long time.... I kind of haven't found the time or want to have the time to sit an write.. but my heart is full of whatever and I have to say it before anything else..
the past 15 months of my life I have given to this kid... not my kid.. my nephew... I decided to take him on full time.. and at first I had no idea it would be this long! when we orginially discussed this it would be only 3 months..
instead his mother... decided to go down a different path.. I had not seen her for a long time.. I ended up finding out that she's been using drugs.. not only that but that she is getting so deep into drugs that she's losing herself.. losing weight, losing family, friends, her desperation that she has when she is asking for $5.
I spent my time taking care of her son... routine and consistency which I read helps his development an for him to have a routine etx.
When he was born.. I knew I wanted to become a parent.. I knew that I wanted to be someone like this.. how beautiful it was to watch him come into the world.. how amazing it was for the last 18 months watching him grow..
regardless when he was placed with me.. it was hard at first... I had to leave my job.. I had to risk everything I had to be there for him.. and no doubt I would do it again.. but I just am sad... sad that his own mother is making the choices she's making.
I'm trying to stand strong an be there for him.. love him as though he were my own son, or hear him call me mama.. when he started this at first I was excited.. just for him to acknowledge or understand that I was here for him the way a mother is.
I tried for months with his mother.. battling her and her own demons.. asking her to just sign him over to me.. so that I could move on with my life without all this worry and looking over my shoulder to see if she was gonna clean herself up.. all her games... at first she would say yes she would and then she would change her mind lat minute. I finally gave up!
I said if an when this happens I'm not gonna worry.. it will be as it should...
then I got the email, or call.. things were going to change... I had another home visit with a social worker, and I was given court documents basically stating what we all knew was coming..
However... for some idiotic reason I decided to ask for a letter of support.. under the circumstances that his mother, is drinking, using drugs and throwing her life away.. maybe one day she will get better or maybe she will smarten up.. but maybe that would take her 15 yrs to beat.
I know addiction all to well.. I know how it sinks its teeth into the vulnerable.. and I know the pains that she would be feeling if she didn't get her hoot? hit? bump? whatever it was.
regardless.. its been almost a year since I seen her.. and when I finally did this past weekend... my heart dropped.. I wanted to grab her an slap her in the face and tell her to wake up.. her and I had this conversation already... about how she looks.. I hadn't actually seen her, but I imagined the addiction controlling her life..
anyway when I seen her... I just heartbroken.. how can she be so taken.. so broken? so easily giving up on herself.. on her kid.
I have supported so many people in my life, some who battle addiction.. and it's hard as is.. but when it's someone who is related to me.. its heartbreaking...
I could show you a picture of her a year ago! compared to today and you would be astonished how quickly she has deteriorated..
Anyway off topic.. regardless I decided to ask for a support letter.. agreeing that the temporary guardianship is the right move for the kid.. and instead the response was that no matter what I do the kid will always be returned to the mother... its the obvious solution.
As much as this is true! according to these experts... think of the word mother... maybe not in the literal sense of birth of the child.. but in the definition... this kid has been with me since he was 3 months old... growing up thinking I am his mother..
they talk about returning him one day! maybe maybe not.. but what is best for the kid? can I give him a good life? could I be there for him forever? could I love him unconditionally without limits etc? could I see him going an finishing school? or at least of all things grow up without the drugs and alcohol the way I did.
I mean reality is I did tell his mother the day she cleans up does well with her life.. I will give him back... I do want her to have a good life and a chance at giving him a great life.. but that was before i seen what I have seen now.. its hard to see that she will ever be in a place that would be good for him..
I guess I just need to adjust my thinking and focus on him and what i can impact in his life right now or in the near future. even if I can guarantee to love him forever, or be there for him forever I feel like thats enough? even if he's not with me forever. he is because Im still related to him and  maybe one I will be close with his mom again, once upon a time.. she and I were close.. I remember the day she was born.. she helped change me.. just by being born.

anyway thats another story.. I just having hard time living in the now.. I want to see the future or know it all now rather than waiting.. ahaha

feelin loss

Have you ever just lost your mind... in the little things? losing my keys? my bank card, or my cell phone? but it's because (Im a parent) but also because deep down my heart and soul feel the loss.

I obviously can't sleep and all's I can think about is how much I lost my friends.. the worst is that they know better.. I work and industry where we see this Shi** happen every other week.. and yet even though that is happening she allowed herself to fall or care for someone who treats her less than. someone who has made it clear that I am not allowed to be her friend, because I'm a strong woman who would not tolerate this (hopefully not) and that I would kill (beat) this person if I could.

I don't know why I miss her so much... its not like we were the best of friends, but it's just the added people to my minus list... I have very few friends, very few people I trust or can count on, or that I pour my heart out too.. and she's gone... and the sting of that is bs. it made me want to freak out on her... instead I just held my tongue cause one day like all women they will see what is happening and cut loose the noose or whatever that is trapping them in a shitty situation.

Other than that.. drama continues.. I don't even know..

I wish I didn't feel this! you know how amazing (horrible) it would feel to never have met this woman! this one woman who has turned my life in whatever amazing beauty there is.. and to have her move away! I wanted for so long to go! I wanted her to stay in the same place as me, or me her. I wanted to strive in our love, and beauty of our growth from darkness. thousands of miles apart and my heart still yearns, calls for her... I still feel myself and heart and soul yearn just to hear her... just to hug her! I poured my soul to this woman, she became my one and only lady, my one and only friend who I have never done anything I did with her

I think I'm triggered today... I'm doing everything I can to distract myself.. I have a long history of bad behaviours... and I seen something today that triggered me...and the worst! WORST part of it was that I had no one to call, no one who would be there for me, no one who would answer their phone.. cause we aren't that kind of friends anymore.. and it fucking is sad... what have I become? what have we become? I know I am supposed to stand on my own, but if you knew my darkness, if you knew my heartbreak, my very moment when I became ash, when I became overpowered by the "beast" then you'd understand a trigger for me is super rare compared to the way I've been living in my life.

I think things for me are just getting more difficult. every day I'm with my boy... alls I think is that he may get taken from me... it's now at that point where his parents are "allegedly" going to clean up their lives which I'm supposed to be happy about.. but if that happens than my future with this boy being my kid, or this boy seeing me as his one and only will end.. and he could be exposed to the horrible dark tradition in our culture, the addictions, or violence that so many of us grew up too. I wanted so badly to avoid that I so wanted to show him nothing but love.. he would be the first person in our family that would grow up surrounded by love, and strong role models. but if he gets taken from me I can't guarantee it.. because his parents have a history of violence, history of maniac behaviour, history of drugs and alcohol before taking care of baby... and I'm scared...
this Friday I have to sign a paper that says that I'm going to be delaying my life another 3 months before the system decides what will happen to my boy...
I could give him the world! fuck I'd figure it out, I'd be happy to honour his parents by fulfilling their desire that he become a dancer, or that he finish high school or he just do anything great with his life!

I miss being able to talk to people about these things.. I miss her hugs.. and her eyes, and her i love you's lmfao.
I'm losing my mind... as much as I'm not isolated because I have my family... that is a different kind of love, the love I'm talking about is different.. there is no way to describe it.

I was really hoping... I don't know... the love I had was beautiful, the growth we had was amazing, and I hate that we now like all great relationships are now growing apart. even though we will forever be intertwined I still miss just the basics..

I worry everyday and am afraid everyday... that maybe I said or did something wrong while she was here, and I don't know.. if i did she isn't the type to forget it, she would say something, I mean all our best arguments were followed by periods of silence.
wherever she is... just know that I love you... I miss you and I wish you were here.
I know.. move forward... one day we will be friends of 10 yrs ago, and maybe we will remember one another, or maybe we would just be friends that never connect on social media...
I feel lost..

I feel lost that I have no person to say these important things too! if only she just heard my heart and soul, just to hear IDK

my world is not the same without you in it!

I miss you

I think I've tried for so long to avoid what's in my heart and soul the yearning and desire to say what's at the tip of my tongue.... pounding on my chest and I have avoided it... you'll be proud I avoided it in lazy ways rather than drinking or drugs...
there are so many relationships (friendships, and otherwise) that I have had in my life.. so many people I've had to let go and so many people I lost track of.
The two are only two... only two people in this entire world that I loved beyond all things, two people that i would give the world too.
one lives in Ontario and I had known him... for a short period of time.. the bond I had with him was unbreakable, I can't even describe to you how amazing it was... to feel his hand in mine, to look into his eyes and feel love and acceptance. I miss him so much and I hate that he was right... the last time I seen him... we had breakfast together by the greyhound bus station... I was leaving for the holidays to visit friends.. he was late in meeting me.. I thought he abandoned me.. but really my favourite was he said it was too hard for him to say goodbye, because he had a dream that we would never see each other again. we had breakfast... I think it was french toast, he even put salt on it.. which was weird to me. I left... I promised him I would be back, I talked to him every night that I could... but it was true.. I flew back to Vancouver after my visit and all the world came crashing down on me.. I packed up my life in Ontario and moved back to BC. I tried for months to get him to come to the city, I even offered to pay his ticket and everything. but he couldn't come... he had a son in Ontario and he wasn't in the best state of his time there..
after that we lost touch.. I never heard from him.. I email him from time to time but the email is disconnected... my heart and soul is scarred from this experience because I loved him. I wanted him to be here with me. but I couldn't go back... if anyone knew or knows why I came back to the city you'd understand I sacrificed my love for my family. I defended and protected them and it came at a cost for me.. the cost of a great love, the love of my life.... I don't know where he is or what he's doing but I can only hope he is ok.. that he's alive and happy. I only started thinking of him recently because the next person... is someone I could an will love forever, and she is in Ontario.
I have had her on my heart forever... and I've avoided messaging her, avoided even anything. but everyday I drive by where we used to hang out, I remember the times of our lives... the heartache we went through to become stronger, the weaknesses in each of us.. the struggle we each had, and how we were there for one another, well she was there for me more than I could have ever been there for her.
the light in the darkness she was to me... she was the reason to live.. she knew me beyond all things. she knew why I was doing everything, because I poured my heart and soul out to her... it explained everything, it explained all these silly scars, and it explained my heartbreak.
she became my pillar, she became my lady, my queen. no one in the world will ever compare to her.
I hold her in the utmost respect and most deepest part of my being, because she matters to me forever. and although she's thousands of miles away, nothing can break my love for her.
I thought about it for awhile, and the thing was... we knew each other in chaos... both living shitty lives and making poor senseless decisions that definitely effected us forever, but then we got out... we broke free from the chains of addiction, broke free from suicide, found purpose and reason for living. my reason who knows... for the time I knew her it was to be with her, to be near her, because she gave me purpose in the most dysfunctional way. I mean I was obsessed I could not get enough... I obviously grew out of that.. but you see my picture.
regardless when I found out she was leaving... alls I wanted to do was follow... she was going to my province, my true home.. and I thought that was my opportunity to return there and I tried to get my work to send me there too... but it didn't work..
I had to say goodbye to her... and although we have tattoos, and I have more tattoos for her... we are changed... we are grown. and we are not who we were. but my heart still feels love for her and that will never change.. even if i never speak to her again, if I never hug her again.. my heart will always feel love and respect for her. for what she did for me, and what she did for herself, and how she was an example of letting go of toxic people, and toxic addictions.
I miss you Robyn... I miss you everyday and I love you.. I know you are living your life, and I'm living in my parenthood life... but it doesn't excuse the fact that you were a huge part of my life, a huge part of my success, you loved me when I thought I wasn't loveable, you stood by me when everyone left me, and you had faith in me that I could be more.
I am who I am because you loved me. and I will never forget you...

I just wanted to tell the world today that I love you. and I miss you Robyn. I want you to know Sean that I'll never forget you and that I hope your living a beautiful healthy life. I hope we meet again!

hardly believe it

I know it's getting old to talk about.. but I guess if you didn't know my entire story about how i got a kid in my life.. then IDK how to explain it..
I can't imagine having him leave my life or think of me as anything less than.

I have cared very deeply for this handsome boy since the moment he was born, I have always watched out for him. I cherish him with every fibre of my being. I can't imagine ever living without him in my life.

I couldn't imagine doing what his mom is doing and just forgetting about him and i know in a small way she is never really forgetting him but she is definitely not being there for him. I just went through my photos i guess feeling sentimental but I just see how much he has grown..
how happy I was when he said Baba, how sad I was when he said dada. and now he says mom, mama not knowing what mom or mama means yet.. but now he's learned to say Up which means bitch pick me up. lol

I have watched him learn to crawl. I have watched him have each tooth come in, and I have watched him learn to stand, and him to see the expression on my face about how proud I am of him.

I don't know what the future holds for him. I don't want to put huge expectations on him but even just for him to have a chance to grow up around a family that is not abusing drugs and alcohol and with giving him the tools for success.. I just can hope for the best, but my love for him is eternal, there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to make me stop loving him.

I'm having a hard time... its 3 months away from having him with me permanently and what that process looks like.. i have never ever adopted, or had a child.. .and I am sure the process for this is more extensive than what Im doing.
I don't know if I'll fail.. and Im also certain that I will.. fail at raising him as there is no perfect parent, we do our best with what we have and I definitely will give him my whole heart and believe in him and support him in all I can..

I just hope he grows up at least at the very least knowing that he is loved and that I will never leave his side.

its been hard believe me... its a learning process and I have to learn to cook, and learn to get into a routine... and make his life as structured as the world allows because apparently he depends on that... consistency and repetition.

alirght I'm crashing... I just wanted to tell the world that I absolutely love my handsome nephew and I hope to give him a good life, and I Hope that his mom makes the right decision and walks away.