feelin loss

Have you ever just lost your mind... in the little things? losing my keys? my bank card, or my cell phone? but it's because (Im a parent) but also because deep down my heart and soul feel the loss.

I obviously can't sleep and all's I can think about is how much I lost my friends.. the worst is that they know better.. I work and industry where we see this Shi** happen every other week.. and yet even though that is happening she allowed herself to fall or care for someone who treats her less than. someone who has made it clear that I am not allowed to be her friend, because I'm a strong woman who would not tolerate this (hopefully not) and that I would kill (beat) this person if I could.

I don't know why I miss her so much... its not like we were the best of friends, but it's just the added people to my minus list... I have very few friends, very few people I trust or can count on, or that I pour my heart out too.. and she's gone... and the sting of that is bs. it made me want to freak out on her... instead I just held my tongue cause one day like all women they will see what is happening and cut loose the noose or whatever that is trapping them in a shitty situation.

Other than that.. drama continues.. I don't even know..

I wish I didn't feel this! you know how amazing (horrible) it would feel to never have met this woman! this one woman who has turned my life in whatever amazing beauty there is.. and to have her move away! I wanted for so long to go! I wanted her to stay in the same place as me, or me her. I wanted to strive in our love, and beauty of our growth from darkness. thousands of miles apart and my heart still yearns, calls for her... I still feel myself and heart and soul yearn just to hear her... just to hug her! I poured my soul to this woman, she became my one and only lady, my one and only friend who I have never done anything I did with her

I think I'm triggered today... I'm doing everything I can to distract myself.. I have a long history of bad behaviours... and I seen something today that triggered me...and the worst! WORST part of it was that I had no one to call, no one who would be there for me, no one who would answer their phone.. cause we aren't that kind of friends anymore.. and it fucking is sad... what have I become? what have we become? I know I am supposed to stand on my own, but if you knew my darkness, if you knew my heartbreak, my very moment when I became ash, when I became overpowered by the "beast" then you'd understand a trigger for me is super rare compared to the way I've been living in my life.

I think things for me are just getting more difficult. every day I'm with my boy... alls I think is that he may get taken from me... it's now at that point where his parents are "allegedly" going to clean up their lives which I'm supposed to be happy about.. but if that happens than my future with this boy being my kid, or this boy seeing me as his one and only will end.. and he could be exposed to the horrible dark tradition in our culture, the addictions, or violence that so many of us grew up too. I wanted so badly to avoid that I so wanted to show him nothing but love.. he would be the first person in our family that would grow up surrounded by love, and strong role models. but if he gets taken from me I can't guarantee it.. because his parents have a history of violence, history of maniac behaviour, history of drugs and alcohol before taking care of baby... and I'm scared...
this Friday I have to sign a paper that says that I'm going to be delaying my life another 3 months before the system decides what will happen to my boy...
I could give him the world! fuck I'd figure it out, I'd be happy to honour his parents by fulfilling their desire that he become a dancer, or that he finish high school or he just do anything great with his life!

I miss being able to talk to people about these things.. I miss her hugs.. and her eyes, and her i love you's lmfao.
I'm losing my mind... as much as I'm not isolated because I have my family... that is a different kind of love, the love I'm talking about is different.. there is no way to describe it.

I was really hoping... I don't know... the love I had was beautiful, the growth we had was amazing, and I hate that we now like all great relationships are now growing apart. even though we will forever be intertwined I still miss just the basics..

I worry everyday and am afraid everyday... that maybe I said or did something wrong while she was here, and I don't know.. if i did she isn't the type to forget it, she would say something, I mean all our best arguments were followed by periods of silence.
wherever she is... just know that I love you... I miss you and I wish you were here.
I know.. move forward... one day we will be friends of 10 yrs ago, and maybe we will remember one another, or maybe we would just be friends that never connect on social media...
I feel lost..

I feel lost that I have no person to say these important things too! if only she just heard my heart and soul, just to hear IDK

my world is not the same without you in it!