silence...

It's killing me to hear the nothing.... to recognize how much someone doesn't matter in someone else's life. That their Meer words no longer hold the same value. 

I'm still feeling like she wants me here an says shit like I'm the only reason she is still here. But really how "here" am i if we have only seen each other 3 times in the last month. 

For someone to matter or have value it should be more than this.

I tried to think of all the times where I had treated people like this or something of the sort. How can I be the one deserving of this treatment. After being flooded with so much love an happiness. So much joy an content to be completely void. Blank. Blind to all the things that matter

I'd love to say it's just my relationship I'm talking about. But when I apply this to all the things in my world. I see the pattern of what I've allowed other people to do to me. Treat me. Under value me to choose when to be in my life and only when it's convenient for them. 

I've had enough of this from everyone.. I feel destructive an its not even toward anyone but myself how could I let myself be this willing to sacrifice so much of myself for others. Etc. 

I feel like I'm close the door of those people in my life. An its becoming recognizable that I'm not allowing the behavior to continue. An yet here I am still alone an still not having people willing to be there for me. 

How much I miss my friend. Who actually made time. To text. Call. Show up an hang out. 

And now I've got nada.

An if nada or people taking advantage of who I am. Ya I'd rather be alone. Yes I need new friends. I need things to focus on. An then I realized it even happens at my job. To allow them to under value my years of service. And treat me like this. 

I want to leave the job. Why have I pUT up with so much in my life. 

Then it comes down too.... wanting pain. Wanting to hurt. An wanting to die. Because even tho I hate everything that happened or what I let happen. If I walk away it's like only one door to go thro an it would be the door to death because i couldn't imagine ugh

I need to break the cycles but I'm in this one. An I have no one to ask how to get out. I dont have capacity to be willing to change or grow. Lol

Idk.. I'm losing my mind. And I'm hurting beyond measure. 

hate the happy

I dont know what I am doing. Or who I want in my life I'm not happy with how the last week has been... how easy it is to look in the mirror an put on a face/mask.. trying to hide the darkness of myself in myself. Hoping that as each day comes an goes people won't see me falling apart. 

I recently talked to someone...an their pain.. their pain an depression an how no one seen it. No one noticed it.

I realized that is what my upbringing was... my mom wouldn't show emotion. Wouldn't even tell us she loved us. But more so when things were difficult. When things were breakable. We never seen that. We never got to see the bad in that sense.

But I do have memories.....

Of the bad... things like being left at young age to fend for ourselves in the apartment because our parents were out partying whatever.

Or when the abuse happened for my mom.  An us having to hide ourselves. Lock ourselves in our roo.  Or being denied food. Or being told our dad who died of OD. Was a coward. Etc.

Lol there were lots of ways we went thro bad but most importantly we weren't taught how to cope with our feelings. How to ask for help. Or how to tell one another what is going on for us.

My family have spent so much time being snakes. Being people who stab one another in the back. 

We are sort of sectioned out. As tho we don't connect. We don't communicate. 

But it happens on all sides... 

I am terribly feeling a loss... an I'm scared. Because I feel like I'm losing a piece of my soul. A piece of my heart. As I dont know why my partner doesn't call. Doesn't text. Don't show up. Doesn't do much to keep our relationship alive. I've initiated all our conversations. And in the last month we had only seen each other 3 times..... for a relationship that has been ongoing for over a year.

So I feel like it's ending... i feel like idk if this is what she wants. Or what.

I dont know what she wants or what is important to her. It used to be that I was important. I'd be her first call. And now I get no call. No text. An I'm expected to keep this relationship alive. But my heart hurts...

Idk. 

Is there a way out of this madness I dont know. I know that I'm feeling like letting go.. not just my partner. But also anyone who tries ro hold me back. I'm stupidly hopeful that I matter to anyone. . That anyone would say something meaningful to me. But I don't have much hope it will be happening. 

Idk if the hope is dwindling. Hindering. Or the right choice for this circumstance 

if I never wake up

I'm feeling lost. I'm shattered an hurting in pain..like I'm bleeding from a new wound that won't heal. I tried for weeks months to try an be patient. To let my partner whom I've been with for over a year. To let them treat me like garbage. 

Consistently thinking it will change. They will do better. Whatever bs. I've let myself believe. It's fading. 

I'm starting to realize... I dont matter. Our relationship died. An I'm trying.. repeatedly. I am trying to stay connected. Stay in love. But it has felt one sided. I'm the only one willing to reach out only one willing to speak.

I believe her. I believed her for so long. It would get better. She would come back. 

She said... after moving or getting settled. Then it was needing to be in better head space. An now it's what.....

Nothing......

Nothing at all....

I have spent this month.  Consistently worrying. Is she dead. Is she overdosed on drugs. Bleeding out. Or injured in some way. 

An for the stupidest choice. I called for help for her. An they did nothing.  Because I'm the only person who is calling about her. 

An I dont matter....my words to her don't matter.

An I'm done....

I'm done with this bs relationship that has caused me so much pain. I can't even cry. I can't even feel anything but pain. 

When it was good. Was great...but it hasn't been good for months... I tried to stay connected

An tonight I realize maybe I was the only one fighting for this relationship. She said so much but no action to make it legit real. 

So I've been living on the belief in her. An her ability to say so much but do absolutely nothing. ..

I wish I could go to sleep an not wake up.  I don't want to feel what I'm feeling. An know that I have to go thro it. I have to go thro it alone. Because everyone in their right mind.. told me not too. Told me not to have hope. Told me to walk away. Told me everything 

And I ignored them. Because I believed her. I believed every word..  I thought this was my love forever. I thought she was my wife. I thought she was my world. An I'm scared to face it's not truth. It's not real. Once I let go... 

I won't even be a thought. I won't even impact her life in any way because I'm not even there in the first place. An I am the only one going to feel the heart ache because I'm the real joke. 

An because of that. I dont want to wake up tomorrow. I don't want to face the truth. That I'll never win.   This is what I deserve 

I give my whole world to those I love. I give everything I have. My heart an soul. An I get burned. Shattered. Broken. Bruised an bleeding. 

This is why I'd rather die...then try find love...it's only caused me pain... an I didn't even see this love.

That's the worst of it. I don't know why I thought she'd be my everything. 

I remember how much it meant to me.. 

Fuck I can't think of it. Because I'm alone. I'm not going to get the girl. 

feels like to be valued

I've been trying to think of why it's hard to think of everything..  I thought so strongly that we were gonna make it. By fluke of the last couple days I was sleeping next to her. An I had all these thoughts that it was going to be epic. I thought finally time with her. 

It's not what I'm thinking though.  I'm thinking why are we together. Why are we staying together. When I look into her eyes an she smiles. It is epic. When she lays in my arms it's epic. 

But when she isn't with me. We aren't talking. When we are together we aren't talking. We literally haven't had enough time to comprehend what she had said. 

It hurts to hear that she is listening to other people. She is believing other people about her relationship with me. 

I've tried to be patient. Fuck I have been the most understanding partner in the history of any fuckin person on the planet. I have stood by. Let her put us on the back burner. 

An when I look back at why it matters. I think of the times where she actually wanted me. She actually needed me. When she would call me from the hospital. When I showed up for the first time in almost a month. She said she cried from seeing me because she missed me so much an couldn't comprehend it. 

I think of those times as though she wanted to be with me. Needed to be with me. 

It is possible to survive this?

To survive at the idea that she may not want forever with me. That we are just wasting time ???? Waiting for something to come of it. Idk

I am told I overthink everything. An i watched a video that said an anxious partner or whatever an everything that she had said I could hear it. As If that was what I needed from my partner. My partner who bails on me every step of the way an causes me so much pain that I'm hurting myself to try an survive. 

But I'm beginning to burst into explosion because I'm hurting. I'm hurting so bad. I can't be happy. I can't feel anything but pain. As if one more terrible thing happen an I'll fall apart.

If I fell into old habits I guarantee I'll die.

An that's the worst when I tried to talk to someone about it. They scolded me as if I am a terrible person an should think of what I'll do to my kid. An I thought wouldn't it be better if he had someone more present in his life. Not someone who has checked out an I'm just not all here. I wish I was. I really can't think of him because I no longer feel best for him. 

An its Because I gave so much of myself to this relationship I feel like less of a person. I put on a fake face as if I'm fine. But I'm crumbling. I'm literally dying inside. An I'm fighting to try fight but I'm losing so badly. 

I'm losing the battle. An I dont know why this one relationship defines my whole life. Why did I give her that power over me. Why did I try so hard. Why did I think this was forever 

Why did she

How did we fuckn get here. Cause I'm dying inside 

hold me in your arms

I'm fucking hurting so much. I dont know what to do anymore. 

I spent so much of my time being patient. Waiting for the person whom I love. I've been waiting for her life to get back to some sort of normal life. I thought it would get better 

I've been made to look like a fool. I feel like a fool. I have been told the reason that she has bailed on seeing me is because people are getting in her head about us. We aren't right for one another. We aren't worth the fight for a future. 

I want to give up. I can't fight the world. I can't fight her supports. I can't fight for this love that I thought was it. I thought this was my love. 

An now I'm feeling shattered. I'm feeling shattered to the point of not wanting to wake up tomorrow. I don't want to keep living if this person isn't in my life. 

People said think of your kid. Think of what you'll do to him. An I'm so lost. I can't think

Why. 

Why

Why 

Why the fuck did we talk about a future. Why did we get tattoos. Why did we do all this stuff. Why did we make plans. Why did we say this was forever. If neither of us believed we get there. 

I cant get over all the time an effort all this hope I had seen. Or felt in thinking she would want to be with me. 

I have so much pain an fear. I don't know how to survive the day. I dont know how to move on. When alls I want is the life we had. 

I spent so much of my life seeking love. Seeking something worth living for. I thought I had it with my kid. But something was missing. An I didn't know it. An when I found this love I thought it would be epic. I thought we'd be forever. 

An instead... she tells me that people have gotten to her. An she isn't sure she can get her head straight. An I can't feel anything but pain. I feel shattered. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stay. How to find our love again. I dont know if she is stringing me along to feel alive. To feel connected 

I don't know why. 

Why do I get this type of love. How is it love at all. 

I want to love her. I want to be with her. I see no one else but her. An I don't know if I'm being played. 

I'm ready to give up. Give up living give up this life an destroy it all. I'm ready to fuck up to the point of no return. 

what would it look lik3

I cant remember why someone asked me this question... what would my future look like or my life look like if she wasn't in it. 

Would it be different or about the same. Would I be suffering or happier. Idk

What angle am I expected to look at this from. 

I dont want to think about what my life would look like without my partner. I'm terrified at the idea. Especially because everything I've been doing I've done in hopes of securing our future. 

I want a future that is Beautiful. I want to be able to see her as her heart an soul in light an darkness an to also call her home. She is my safe place. 

I know that even the idea of seeing her. Being next to her my heart pumps all the time. Kissing her. An holding her hand. More than life is worth giving me.

I've spent so much of my life under a rock. Consistently expecting bad things to happen. Always waiting for what I feel I deserve. Which is lame. Because I deserve to be happy. To be in love. To move on with my life. 

However....

There's a dark past of who I was. Where I've come from. An the things said or done to me. An upbringing that is not as severe as others but severe enough that scars remain on my soul from what kinds and types of abuse I endured. 

Spending most of my life feeling like I'd never amount to anything. I never deserved a good life. An it seems to have been reflected in most of my relationships because.... all of them ended in pain an it was always to do with being cheated on. Or hearing them say I wasn't good enough. 

So for the first 6 months of this relationship...I spent it testing the waters... 2x we broke up because of different reasons...

And each time we got back together. An have been together ever since. However... the thing has been that so much has been going on for her. She needed to put us on simmer. An for me that was difficult an painful. Because I felt all those past feelings. An now thst she may be back. I'm not sure if it's real or if I'm being played. Or if I should move forward with our future plans. 

I want to save money. Buy the ring an ask her. Or have her ask me ahahha. 

For odd reason that sounds so weird to be asked. What I wanna ask.

But the thing is we need to be stable. We need to have plans. We need to move forward. An we can't do that when her life is doing whatever 

An she isn't telling me.

I have thought about it... the thing is her mental health is her fear. An I dont understand thst in any way. Because I barely have had to deal with it as closely as I used too. Before it was a little more spontaneous an unstable. But the last while even when she's been struggling...she hasn't ended up in hospital 

To me that means she's doing better. An maybe she should consider what I want. But I can't say that because if we jump all in. What will happen.. idk.

But I cant ask her the question until we test the waters of living together. An she can't live with me till she is stable. I considered moving. So that we can have a fresh spot an she can have her own space inside the place we live so that when she goes thro these episodes. She can still be with me an we can learn how to go thro it. Idk.

I think in love we can make it thro anything but she doesn't put enough faith in my understanding of her. An my patience with her. She needs to give me a chance. To let me make it thro this all with her..

I dont know...

I had thought when she wanted to see me... that she'd want to talk. Or walk. Or anything of value but instead we just drove an didn't talk. An only now I have all these questions without answers. 

Idk.

living on hope

I got told... that I've been living on this false sense of it will get better... for on an off of months on months... I've been battling the ideas... finally feeling like I've had enough...

I watched an episode that had a husband totally go out of his way not to call his wife... even though in a time of despair that would be the person he should be calling. But he waited till after the chaos before deciding to reach out. 

It makes me think of where I'm at. My partner who is supposed to be in a partnership with me. Has left me out of her life for so long. The past summer she was able to cling to me. But our relationship hasn't been like that for any reason.. an then this past month. I was expected to wait. To hear literally nothing from her. An idk... it felt like I was breaking. 

I had lived on her Word. Instead of checking the actions that go with. 

I became disappointed. An more heart ache than what I'd care to admit. 

I tried so hard to stay strong. An just when I was about to give up. When I've felt ready to just walk away. 

She messaged. She showed up. An everything that I've gone thro still exists but it's not acknowledged or whatever. 

I dont know. I'm struggling. 

When I thought of seeing her I thought how nervous I was. How much I didn't want to see her but also wanted to. Because I knew. One kiss. One hand hold. One look into her eyes an she would have caught me back into it all. Which idk if its good or bad. 

And am I expected to see hope again. That now that her life is finally settling that maybe she will come back. But if she comes back will it still be worth it. 

We had plans. We had planned a future. A life. But my issue is that we shouldn't be living separately from one another. As a partnership we should be striving for the same goal an able to talk about it. Able to make it happen. 

I dont know. I'm losing my mind. An I'm lost. Because I want all the things we said but I don't know if it's possible because even tho this part or chapter for her is resolved. The next thing will come up an then what. I get put on the back burner.

My counselor had said she strives for the stability that I have. She likes the control she has over me an she gets to decide most everything an when I try say anything it's met with silence. 

I dont know what to think. I don't know what to do. 

Will she ever really let me into her life the way she has invaded mine.

An why is the life I live so worthy of her to want to stay. Because it just living...living to work. To pay bills. Raise my kid. An have some fun whenever wherever I can

I don't know...how can u devote yourself to someone you hardly see. Or talk to. Or connect with. 

I don't know.