new crash. new year

I'm struggling..... approx 5 days ago I got into a car crash. It' sucks about how much I need to bring it up.  But it hurt. It wasn't a good situation for me. I just feel so crappy it happened. I had my kid an my best friend in the car. The crash wasn't my fault as far as i know but the fact that it happened was hard enough 

I've spent the new year not making new years resolutions. I dont do that shit. But I wanted to now... I think so much worse could have happened in that crash. An it replays in my head. It happens.. move on. But my body is the thing that is hurts... my body hasn't fully healed from the things that happened. 

On top of which.... I'm still in a relationship. Being in a relationship is great but also not great. I feel like as a regular person I'm normal with normal feelings etc. But with someone. I feel like I'm insecure, afraid, worried. Etc

Before we met idk I didn't see her the way I do now. I only knew of her. 

Sometimes I feel like those are the best love stories. When you don't see someone in that way till later on.  It was approx 6 months before I recognized her as someone that I could love or be loved by. 

It was a suprr funny story that I'd love to share someday. 

However today as I'm writing. I'm starting to feel all my fears creep in.  

I'm worried about why. How. Where. When. We felt this way. What does it mean for us now. 

I'm at a spot in my life. I thought I was content with living it my way. But now I just feel like I want it to be something else. Like I want to make room for her. I want to find ways to keep her in my life. 

But at the same time I do not feel worthy. When I spoke about worth or self worth it always came up that this was trauma. Trauma that we regularly as our culture comes from oppression etc its part of the process of living

However it just sucks. To second guess myself an my worth in someone who has repeatedly told me that I matter alot. It's weird. An its hard to accept. 

I'm grateful for her etc but I'm still seeing myself in the way I'm at. And I'm realizing that all these places or pieces of my heart that I thought were all good. Like I thought it was all mended it ends up they are not mended. It ends up that I'm fairly shattered. I'm broken. An that sucks as a reminder of my life. 

I'm scared of how to carry that all through. 

Idk. I obviously have to go back to counseling but it sucks. 

It's like all these years I looked at myself in the mirror an thought I was all whole just to find out I'm not. An realizing those wounds I thought were healed are actually just taped together with super thin tape. 

I guess the process begins. 

My only hope. My only wish.  Please don't let me lose what I currently have... please don't let me sabotage who I am on the regular basis for anything. 

I hope that I don't lose that love because I cannot tell you enough how amazing it feels. 

2x today when I kissed her it was electrifying. Meaning we shocked one another which was super funny but maybe the reality of who we are together. Idk. 

Just don't wanna lose that. 

So I guess my new year life is to find a way to work on myself without losing the reason I wanna work on myself lol

 

As for car crash it fuckin sucks and sometimes not always but sometimes I'm having a hard time driving an that sucks. Because I'm reminded of what happened. 

Thats life. Lol

Idk

Maybe that happens maybe that's regular. Idk.

Keep moving forward

difficult days

I know that the expectations of me are never very high. I think with all the things that have happened in my life I just start to realize the broken pieces of me. I try to push past all my own brokenness because I am absolutely infatuated. In love with this person. And its beautiful. Its terrifying. 

I'm also haunted by my own short comings. Haunted by where I fall short on everything in life. And it makes me wonder why

Why can anyone care. I look into her eyes an think what is she thinking she could see in me.

I know for me in her there is a fire. Like my Phoenix rising from the ashes. She sets my soul on fire. I am completely wrapped up in her. 

An i think that's insane. That's stupid who says or does these things. 

My mind is racing. I cannot believe I made it here. I cannot believe it. Honestly if you would have told me a month ago that this is where I was going to be today I wouldn't have believed you. An its here an its unreal..

For real... for real... at the root of us is love. It's killing me how astonished I am feeling.

Its normal to feel terrified but its more normal for me to want to run. Sabotage. Or hide from it. Because I'm so waiting for the bottom to drop when she wakes up one day an decides this isn't for her. 

I'm losing my mind. 

Which is why I'm writing. Cause so much I think about so much unknown. Don't you think if someone loved someone else they would have thought about the future. I'm not talking just 6 months I'm talking forever. I hate to feel what I feel. I am happy to have her in my life but I'm terrified what that means.

Everyone deserves love but reality is does everyone get it. Its not just about it existing but about grasping itn holding onto it. Not letting ourselves fufk its up. because that what I want to do.

I'm used to the mindset. She deserves better she needs more than what I can offer. An yet she is still here.

It brings me back to my lady. I fought that for so long. To accept her love an learn to live in it.

I wrote something to this love of mine. Sounds so corny but when you hear it you'll see who I am. 

"What more can I offer her that she does not already have. In all my own trauma my own brokenness I offer the broken pieces of my heart to mend her. I love without limits. I deeply value an care for the people in my life. I offer these pieces of me to help keep her soul on fire."

I hope if my love our love isn't forever she can see how deeply I care an love an am devoted to her. 

For that this was the best love story I've ever experienced I dont want to let go 

.much love

new love interest

So I may as well right this as I feel it so urgently now. The last few months or lets say this entire year has been rough.

Trying to capture the good moments when life was good. An from out of nowhere something happened. I hardly know what to say or how to explain the feeling or what is actually happened. 

Someone I considered a friend has turned into something else to me. Someone I see now that I wasn't really looking at before. And it's like a vampire tasting blood for the first time. I want, I yearn, I desire. 

Old songs become new songs of love that I never felt before. 

I hardly know how to keep myself together because I feel so dismantled in her presence. I feel so vulnerable an secure at the same time. Knowing for some odd reason if I ever fell apart she would be there to guard my heart. An I think what pushed me over the edge was she didn't just say she would stand by me. She also said she would be there for my kid. An that's a first time I've ever heard anyone say that about spending time with me. An for some odd reason it made me happy. 

I dont want to write too many details. I just know I'm in a good spot right now. I'm grateful that for whatever reason that we found one another and it seems we are what we seem to need for tho time being.

I just want her to be happy. I want her to experience life in a beautiful way. I wish there was more I could say but because of it being so new to me. I'm still gathering myself.

I'm grateful in these dark days I've found a beautiful ray of light in the darkness. It's refreshing an reminder of moving forward the good things in life are still yet to come 

I love you....if you ever read this know that I'm grateful you are here. An that you love me back. 

garbage thrown out

As I write these words so many bad things have happened in the year. I hardly know where to begin. All around the world one way or another we all have felt that moment of loneliness. That feeling of despair. Feeling of not knowing how to keep going. How easy it was before. How easy it seemed before. Things now shine so different. 

I can hardly express how it feels for me. I refuse to place judgment on anyone alls I can do is be me. 

I've been finding myself in this dark place trying to find happiness. Trying to find connection. Trying to find meaning. It's been so difficult...so hard to say no to my kid an say maybe another day.

I felt like we lived so good before I was able to find peace in all things. I felt loved an respected I felt like I never needed anything anymore.

Due to covid everything has changed for the worst. Knowing that my connections to my job could jeopardize my family. I put anyone around me at risk about the choices I make at work. But I cant help bit work. I can't help but help. Sometimes its all I have to do everyday these people some of them deserve an need it.

I have to keep Moving forward without knowing where thats going. Do you know how difficult that is? I've always had my family. An now I' have idk nobody. I have now joined the rest of the world an the pain they all feel. I finally know as a single mother how tiring it is to have to work all day  come home make food. Clean up. Do laundry. Take out garbage. Do everything all alone by myself. How do I even do it. An still find time for my kid. 

It hurts an pains me to see what my family is trying to do to me.

Knowing how they judge what I've done or am doing. To judge me based on my past an who I was. I worked so hard to change worked so hard to mend. Why do they do this to me? Do they think this is a joke. Like it's that easy to raise a kid. To give up all my hopes an dreams an be there for my kid. 

There's no greater sacrifice I think I'll ever endure then what I've done to be here for my kid. 

An yes I have sad days. I have flash backs. My life is not all good and tidy I struggle. I scream. I cry. But every night I still kiss my kid goodnight an tell him tomorrow will be a better day. 

Do you know how hard that is to do everyday. I love him so much. Everything. Every thing I do is for him.  I love him beyond all things. And I'm having hard days but I keep moving forward hoping tomorrow the sun will continue to shine. Keep Moving Forward 

always remember

 I can't remember what I wrote in my earlier post, but I am pretty sure it was regarding the struggle right now of losing my entire support system within my family. the one strong hold the one bond I've had my entire life, I always relied on them and to no longer have them with me, and to see the reminisce of what that truly means it breaks my heart. I try to pretend it doesn't bother me but it truly does, and to know that my family is divided. how can my family be ok with this.

even as I write this now I hear a drunk argument happening somewhere out there, brings back floods of memories of the person I used to be. I was so broken, so hurting, I found an escape not cure, I found an escape from that pain dwelling in my soul, the rage, the anger, the sadness, I thought I could hide it away every time I drank, every time I cut. It was such a huge piece of my life, after spending some of my life believing that I didn't want to be another statistic I was living breathing as one because I followed the path so many of my ancestors had, and I had not view of surviving I knew if I continued down that path it would be the end of me. It was like I was just not caring, and I hear this couple arguing an it makes me think of all those terrible times I blacked out, or cut too deep, and it was because of the pain. it wasn't because of the person I was with, it was because I hadn't dealt with myself, and my own darkness, I was trying to bury it deep within, but when I got wasted it surfaced, and when it did I was a demon. I was out to destroy myself, by trying to die because deep down that's what I wanted, I didn't believe I ever would matter, I would ever mean anything, or that I'd ever make it out of this shitty life I was living.

I was so lost. 

Then one day no not in one day. but I finally remade myself, I started small but I started cutting out the people who weren't actually my friends, and I tried to get out of my bad habits and it was the hardest thing I ever did, but I knew if I hadn't done it I'd end my life. I have the scars on my body, the shitty moments on paper. I was a monster and I didn't want that to be my legacy, I wanted more, I knew there had to be more because I felt it as a teenager, I felt that love, and the purity as a kid when I was in the church, and I knew I could have that I could go back to being someone not no one, not just another one in that life. 

It took a long ass while, I really had to make a choice and had to give up friendships, and people, and places and things and I honestly felt alone, I felt like this wasn't worth it. 
but then I see from this side, the friends I have now, the family I choose to have now and the son I have now, an it all is clear as day. this is what my future was meant to be, this is why I lived that night, this is why I choose to stop the shitty life, this is why I don't do what I always did. 

and to have my family try rip that from me. my mistake to have my own sister tell me that my son would be better off in a home, in foster care, away from me. it sickens me that she is so blinded. she is so nieve that she would try condemn my son to grow up without me. 
how can anyone want that for their family. then I realized it. 

she has never known the brokenness I have known, she has never seen the things I had seen in foster care, the way I was treated, the way I was tormented, the way I felt about my mom and dad abandoning me to this place where these people treated me like garbage, and I couldn't get why this psycho believes my son would be better off. I have fought very hard to be where an who i am now, and it hurts me to believe she's so psychotic that she would rather see him suffer then be with me. 

The worst of that argument I had with her is that she said my own mom was a better mom than me, and that was the weirdest thing to me, how could that be true? I love my mom believe me I understand her now, but when I was growing up she wasn't there for me, on numerous occassions of very awful things that I had to endure as a kid, she wasn't there, she didn't comfort me, she didn't protect me, she didn't save me, she didn't tell me she even loved me, I had no love an affection from her, and my psycho fucked up sister is trying to say she's a better mom then me!
this was the biggest joke ever, because I've spent every night telling my son I love him, every hug, every snuggle, every playtime we've had, ever toy I bought, every laugh, every tear I have been here for him, making sure he knows I love him. 

that is something I never got from my own mom. and that's how i know my disowned sister is completely off her rocker, to believe that my son could do better in the arms of foster parents, I will never let that happen. I have given up so much for my son, and he will only see the greatness from me, and i will never let him down. I don't ever want to fail him. he means the world to me, and I cannot describe that enough of how much he keeps me in check. I'm grateful for him

I'm sad at the person I used to be, and the past I do have, and the shitty things I did to myself and others back in the day but I'm not that person, and there are no perfect parents out there, and I'm sure every parent has a past. and one day I will have to tell my son who I was, as I wear my scars proudly, as my reminder of how close i came, and how that scar represents the beginning of the changes I made to become a better person, and to strive to change and to become someone my community needed.

I hope one day I can share that with him, as for the brokenness within my family that won't mend, I can't forgive what had happened, the wound is still fresh and they hunger to cause me pain and until I can be strong enough to stand up to that. I have to cut them out of my life, and sadly my son suffers from not having them by my side, and I just hope we figure it out at least for some of my family, but those who wish me to fail, and wish to harm my son, I will never welcome those people back into my life, and I think that's the best choice for us for now. 

KMF 8385 

Struggling day

 So. I don't know where to begin except to say as I type my eyes are all red and puffy. I've been crying for hours now. 

I had a blow up with my moms youngest daughter. It was pretty much the same BS it has always been in our stuff. she has some serious hurts that she hasn't dealt with but blames me for them. Its funny cause she always says I am on this high pedestal that I command my family and friends, I create slaves in my brothers etx. when reality is during this argument she had made it out to be that she was the perfect child, only person taking care of my mom. Reality was I had asked for her help day before to take 10 mins out of her day to drive down a block or two to pick up our mom and she wouldn't. 

But whatever family is family right?

the reality in this scenerio is I get to pick who my family is, I can decide I am no longer attached, and I can choose the friends and certain family I have to be my actual family. 

The hardest part of this ordeal. wasn't that she brought all the shitty things I did, and actually most of the things she brought up either were fabricated, or flat out lie. the things that she did say that hurt me most and above all else. was that I was a terrible parent terrible mother to my son. 

reality is.. anyway who doesn't see the sacrifices I've made for my kid, or who hasn't been a part of my day to day life, they wouldn't understand any part of it. 

so why did I let this bother me? because she's the high and mighty person? i let it bother me because she threatened to have my kid taken from me which sucked,and hurt. like I've done such a crappy job that she thinks my son would be better off with a stranger? without his family? could you imagine, I actually can imagine how horrible that would be for him, how hurt, abandoned he'd feel. then I Realized this is who she is, this is what she does, she doesnt care of the consequences of what she says or says she doesn't even see the outcome that could be. 
she's so entwined in her own hurt an pain she doesn't see what she has just done.

She will see now. let me tell you.. she has lost her family because of what she decided to do. she also lost my brothers, and she is currently in the process of losing my mom. words are hurtful but her words and the way she expresses herself are like lava, she sets out to set fire to everything with her tongue, and because we are her family she brings it all up, not just one or two mishaps she brings EVERYTHING I ever did wrong she brings it up in arguments. 

It hurt. I am currently hurt and hurting. but I can only move forward. and hope that she finds help and support.

as I feel I have found love and support, I sent a post online about the ordeal not even about the detailed incident and had dozens of people come to ask how I am, as well as agree to stand by my side as I begin this shitty venture of the unknown consequences of her slander. 

I can only hope I can write soon stating that I am free of her, and that I still live my life, it is by far from perfect but I am doing what I can to ensure my son has the best life he could live, have everything I never had. 

KMF

reality check

I wish I could rewrite my whole life story. I actually did it once. But I think it got lost in the moves along with my photo albums.. the good an tough times of my life. All that I could remember... I think I even took pictures of the houses I remember living in. Today the talk of my niece going for sushi had me think of specific childhood memories. I had a childhood friend who's parents owned a local store in the neighborhood. We used to eat those seaweed things was so good. My parents never understood why I ate them. The best part of the local store was that they sold those one cent candies. Damn was so good was my favorite to be able to buy the candies. 

Then it had me thinking of all the things I couldn't have. How exciting it was just to eat food in general. If we start on that then comes the floods of bad memories that are too painful to bring up.

Lately we hear on the news how powerful or empowered women feel telling their stories of the abuse sexual an otherwise. How powerful it was for them. However there are some of us who can't always remember the entire stories. There are smells or images that remind me of those terrible times...

When I tried to bring it up with my doctor or psychologist it ended up... they believe that my brain has blocked out the shitty times in my life. Like my brain has build a safe or wall surrounding the bad times or not bad times but the beyond hell times. The pain I endured or heartache or hopelessness. My brain has forgotten the actual entire piece or whatever. My doctor or whomever it was said that its self preservation of trying to keep myself alive an able to survive??? I dont know. Rumor is one day it will come back. One day I'll remember.

Thinking of the shitty past I had. I'm sure for some it doesn't even compare. I'm sure everyone has a story some good some bad. I honestly don't believe my past is as bad as some. I believe that my father loved me. He protected me as best as he could. Was my Hero. I lost him at a young age and I think that had definitely jaded me 

But the thing is... it also helped me stay away from the toxic shit like drugs. .

I'm off on a rant...

I'm saying I'm glad that I can raise my kid. That I am working. That I am able to provide for my kid. That there isn't a time where he's hungry. Where he isn't safe. Or where anyone would be concerned for him. 

I'm grateful to provide him with the essentials in life plus more. Cause I also have gone out of my way to give him what he wants an needs. 

I'm grateful that I work. That I'm respected at my job by some not by all. But that I feel somewhat supported surrounded by the people I work with. To share similar background stories an all be able to rise above the shitty past we all had. Its beautiful.

I hope my kid knows how lucky he has it. That majority of everyone in our family is not in addiction that we all love him an regularly show that love for him. 

I hope he knows how lucky he is an how grateful he should feel. Compared to others...

Anyway kid is calling.......wish I could rewrite my past.... maybe one day