reality check

I wish I could rewrite my whole life story. I actually did it once. But I think it got lost in the moves along with my photo albums.. the good an tough times of my life. All that I could remember... I think I even took pictures of the houses I remember living in. Today the talk of my niece going for sushi had me think of specific childhood memories. I had a childhood friend who's parents owned a local store in the neighborhood. We used to eat those seaweed things was so good. My parents never understood why I ate them. The best part of the local store was that they sold those one cent candies. Damn was so good was my favorite to be able to buy the candies. 

Then it had me thinking of all the things I couldn't have. How exciting it was just to eat food in general. If we start on that then comes the floods of bad memories that are too painful to bring up.

Lately we hear on the news how powerful or empowered women feel telling their stories of the abuse sexual an otherwise. How powerful it was for them. However there are some of us who can't always remember the entire stories. There are smells or images that remind me of those terrible times...

When I tried to bring it up with my doctor or psychologist it ended up... they believe that my brain has blocked out the shitty times in my life. Like my brain has build a safe or wall surrounding the bad times or not bad times but the beyond hell times. The pain I endured or heartache or hopelessness. My brain has forgotten the actual entire piece or whatever. My doctor or whomever it was said that its self preservation of trying to keep myself alive an able to survive??? I dont know. Rumor is one day it will come back. One day I'll remember.

Thinking of the shitty past I had. I'm sure for some it doesn't even compare. I'm sure everyone has a story some good some bad. I honestly don't believe my past is as bad as some. I believe that my father loved me. He protected me as best as he could. Was my Hero. I lost him at a young age and I think that had definitely jaded me 

But the thing is... it also helped me stay away from the toxic shit like drugs. .

I'm off on a rant...

I'm saying I'm glad that I can raise my kid. That I am working. That I am able to provide for my kid. That there isn't a time where he's hungry. Where he isn't safe. Or where anyone would be concerned for him. 

I'm grateful to provide him with the essentials in life plus more. Cause I also have gone out of my way to give him what he wants an needs. 

I'm grateful that I work. That I'm respected at my job by some not by all. But that I feel somewhat supported surrounded by the people I work with. To share similar background stories an all be able to rise above the shitty past we all had. Its beautiful.

I hope my kid knows how lucky he has it. That majority of everyone in our family is not in addiction that we all love him an regularly show that love for him. 

I hope he knows how lucky he is an how grateful he should feel. Compared to others...

Anyway kid is calling.......wish I could rewrite my past.... maybe one day