new crash. new year

I'm struggling..... approx 5 days ago I got into a car crash. It' sucks about how much I need to bring it up.  But it hurt. It wasn't a good situation for me. I just feel so crappy it happened. I had my kid an my best friend in the car. The crash wasn't my fault as far as i know but the fact that it happened was hard enough 

I've spent the new year not making new years resolutions. I dont do that shit. But I wanted to now... I think so much worse could have happened in that crash. An it replays in my head. It happens.. move on. But my body is the thing that is hurts... my body hasn't fully healed from the things that happened. 

On top of which.... I'm still in a relationship. Being in a relationship is great but also not great. I feel like as a regular person I'm normal with normal feelings etc. But with someone. I feel like I'm insecure, afraid, worried. Etc

Before we met idk I didn't see her the way I do now. I only knew of her. 

Sometimes I feel like those are the best love stories. When you don't see someone in that way till later on.  It was approx 6 months before I recognized her as someone that I could love or be loved by. 

It was a suprr funny story that I'd love to share someday. 

However today as I'm writing. I'm starting to feel all my fears creep in.  

I'm worried about why. How. Where. When. We felt this way. What does it mean for us now. 

I'm at a spot in my life. I thought I was content with living it my way. But now I just feel like I want it to be something else. Like I want to make room for her. I want to find ways to keep her in my life. 

But at the same time I do not feel worthy. When I spoke about worth or self worth it always came up that this was trauma. Trauma that we regularly as our culture comes from oppression etc its part of the process of living

However it just sucks. To second guess myself an my worth in someone who has repeatedly told me that I matter alot. It's weird. An its hard to accept. 

I'm grateful for her etc but I'm still seeing myself in the way I'm at. And I'm realizing that all these places or pieces of my heart that I thought were all good. Like I thought it was all mended it ends up they are not mended. It ends up that I'm fairly shattered. I'm broken. An that sucks as a reminder of my life. 

I'm scared of how to carry that all through. 

Idk. I obviously have to go back to counseling but it sucks. 

It's like all these years I looked at myself in the mirror an thought I was all whole just to find out I'm not. An realizing those wounds I thought were healed are actually just taped together with super thin tape. 

I guess the process begins. 

My only hope. My only wish.  Please don't let me lose what I currently have... please don't let me sabotage who I am on the regular basis for anything. 

I hope that I don't lose that love because I cannot tell you enough how amazing it feels. 

2x today when I kissed her it was electrifying. Meaning we shocked one another which was super funny but maybe the reality of who we are together. Idk. 

Just don't wanna lose that. 

So I guess my new year life is to find a way to work on myself without losing the reason I wanna work on myself lol

 

As for car crash it fuckin sucks and sometimes not always but sometimes I'm having a hard time driving an that sucks. Because I'm reminded of what happened. 

Thats life. Lol

Idk

Maybe that happens maybe that's regular. Idk.

Keep moving forward