I can't remember what I wrote in my earlier post, but I am pretty sure it was regarding the struggle right now of losing my entire support system within my family. the one strong hold the one bond I've had my entire life, I always relied on them and to no longer have them with me, and to see the reminisce of what that truly means it breaks my heart. I try to pretend it doesn't bother me but it truly does, and to know that my family is divided. how can my family be ok with this.
even as I write this now I hear a drunk argument happening somewhere out there, brings back floods of memories of the person I used to be. I was so broken, so hurting, I found an escape not cure, I found an escape from that pain dwelling in my soul, the rage, the anger, the sadness, I thought I could hide it away every time I drank, every time I cut. It was such a huge piece of my life, after spending some of my life believing that I didn't want to be another statistic I was living breathing as one because I followed the path so many of my ancestors had, and I had not view of surviving I knew if I continued down that path it would be the end of me. It was like I was just not caring, and I hear this couple arguing an it makes me think of all those terrible times I blacked out, or cut too deep, and it was because of the pain. it wasn't because of the person I was with, it was because I hadn't dealt with myself, and my own darkness, I was trying to bury it deep within, but when I got wasted it surfaced, and when it did I was a demon. I was out to destroy myself, by trying to die because deep down that's what I wanted, I didn't believe I ever would matter, I would ever mean anything, or that I'd ever make it out of this shitty life I was living.
I was so lost.
Then one day no not in one day. but I finally remade myself, I started small but I started cutting out the people who weren't actually my friends, and I tried to get out of my bad habits and it was the hardest thing I ever did, but I knew if I hadn't done it I'd end my life. I have the scars on my body, the shitty moments on paper. I was a monster and I didn't want that to be my legacy, I wanted more, I knew there had to be more because I felt it as a teenager, I felt that love, and the purity as a kid when I was in the church, and I knew I could have that I could go back to being someone not no one, not just another one in that life.
It took a long ass while, I really had to make a choice and had to give up friendships, and people, and places and things and I honestly felt alone, I felt like this wasn't worth it.
but then I see from this side, the friends I have now, the family I choose to have now and the son I have now, an it all is clear as day. this is what my future was meant to be, this is why I lived that night, this is why I choose to stop the shitty life, this is why I don't do what I always did.
and to have my family try rip that from me. my mistake to have my own sister tell me that my son would be better off in a home, in foster care, away from me. it sickens me that she is so blinded. she is so nieve that she would try condemn my son to grow up without me.
how can anyone want that for their family. then I realized it.
she has never known the brokenness I have known, she has never seen the things I had seen in foster care, the way I was treated, the way I was tormented, the way I felt about my mom and dad abandoning me to this place where these people treated me like garbage, and I couldn't get why this psycho believes my son would be better off. I have fought very hard to be where an who i am now, and it hurts me to believe she's so psychotic that she would rather see him suffer then be with me.
The worst of that argument I had with her is that she said my own mom was a better mom than me, and that was the weirdest thing to me, how could that be true? I love my mom believe me I understand her now, but when I was growing up she wasn't there for me, on numerous occassions of very awful things that I had to endure as a kid, she wasn't there, she didn't comfort me, she didn't protect me, she didn't save me, she didn't tell me she even loved me, I had no love an affection from her, and my psycho fucked up sister is trying to say she's a better mom then me!
this was the biggest joke ever, because I've spent every night telling my son I love him, every hug, every snuggle, every playtime we've had, ever toy I bought, every laugh, every tear I have been here for him, making sure he knows I love him.
that is something I never got from my own mom. and that's how i know my disowned sister is completely off her rocker, to believe that my son could do better in the arms of foster parents, I will never let that happen. I have given up so much for my son, and he will only see the greatness from me, and i will never let him down. I don't ever want to fail him. he means the world to me, and I cannot describe that enough of how much he keeps me in check. I'm grateful for him
I'm sad at the person I used to be, and the past I do have, and the shitty things I did to myself and others back in the day but I'm not that person, and there are no perfect parents out there, and I'm sure every parent has a past. and one day I will have to tell my son who I was, as I wear my scars proudly, as my reminder of how close i came, and how that scar represents the beginning of the changes I made to become a better person, and to strive to change and to become someone my community needed.
I hope one day I can share that with him, as for the brokenness within my family that won't mend, I can't forgive what had happened, the wound is still fresh and they hunger to cause me pain and until I can be strong enough to stand up to that. I have to cut them out of my life, and sadly my son suffers from not having them by my side, and I just hope we figure it out at least for some of my family, but those who wish me to fail, and wish to harm my son, I will never welcome those people back into my life, and I think that's the best choice for us for now.
KMF 8385
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