New Beginning yet again!

For what seems the first time in a long time... I actually have done something different... It's always been said that reflecting on the past helps you see where you have come from... Learning from my own history...
However if I told you my past; apparently six years ago it is no different than now... except that I am alone.. Compared to my crazy wild youth days I'm now free from that kind of destruction...
It's hard to explain that it's been six years... since I destroyed my life.. Need an explanation well lets see... Six years ago I ended up in the hospital with what seemed like life threatening wound.. I woke up in the hospital with 34 stitches in my left arm, I was hand cuffed to the bed.. I had to see a plastic surgeon because I was so dumb I almost needed plastic surgery...
Can you imagine! I couldn't believe what had happened, and I asked the nurse what happened... and it was the worst thing to hear that I had done this to myself...Only then when she had said that I realize that I had finished work the day before and I had about 100 Siegen Angled Razor Scraper Short in my back pocket, I had just gotten paid, and I was trying to impress some people that I thought were friends... Instead I ended up alone, scared to death of the damage that had been done...

I look back on that day... I'll say this I know what happened I know what lead up to my slicing my arm within an inch of my main artery to my heart... I was saved from killing myself... People always say you have to hit rock bottom before you get up, you have to fall down seven times and get up eight... But this... Me almost killing myself to the point of no return, to the point that I was blacked out! I don't remember any of it... Except to now have to live the rest of my life with this scar!

I reflect back on this day... It reminds me that I don't always surround myself with healthy people, that I don't always need to be drinking and trying to impress people... The fact that I have survived for over twenty years is survival enough. I shouldn't ever have to impress people with drinking, drugs, or even money... I have lived through tragedy! I have survived two deaths in my family, I have found my soul mate... and the best part of my soul mate... is that she's not my lover, she is my best friend..

for me to have found someone I could confide in, someone who has seen me through hell and back, someone who seen this light within me before I did, someone who was there when all other failed me... She has loved me unconditionally and she has been in my life for six years! She knows me more than anyone, and she was with me in my darkness, she continuously helped me in my time of need.
I am grateful everyday for this woman!

My way of celebrating and paying tribute to the things I have survived! IS only one way! to make sure I do something spectacular! ANOTHER TATTOO! Not just any! But one! To get the Phoenix tattoo on my arm, above the scar! Because I never want to hide the scar, I never want to be ashamed of this scar!
It is "THROUGH THE ASHES I RISE"

This phoenix will be my symbol that I have survived, this is my constant reminder that I am moving forward, that it's possible to rise from the ashes!

Happy New Year readers!

painful history

It's been six months since I've dealt with grief.. I'll tell you now that I don't like the idea of going through these circumstances...
My uncle passed away and I must say his death shattered my life...I couldn't focus and I didn't care about school anymore....
I failed one of my exams, I actually failed it twice..

Dealing with Grief is never easy and I failed miserably or I was normal?

I thought about Death, thought about dying.. I thought that it would have been easier to let go then keep trying to hold on? I felt like I was holding on by a thread and more and more everyday I felt my heart and soul caving into the beast of burden that had been buried some time ago..
It took every ounce of my strength which there was none... To get up... To find hope? to find a future worth living..

My uncle was under the impression I was going to school... No scratch that My uncle knew I was going to the best school in B.C.... So for me to have failed that.. I was hurting...
I felt like a failure, I felt beat... There was no more future for me..

You know how when in death..when dealing with Death all your close friends and family come to you and help you stay afloat? That didn't happen... I became and sunk into darkness... more and more everyday it was hard to get up, hard to go to work, hard to talk to people... It was hard to tell people that I lost him, that he was gone..

I'm not sure when it began or if I'm back to living... I'm completely alone... my closest friends have almost given up on me... I couldn't blame them... I spent six months talking about ending my life, talking about being consumed by darkness... I talked about how hurt I was, how many times I had harmed myself..
So even in my own darkness, even in spite of scars, my pain and torture... I guess like a Caterpillar that must hibernate to become a butterfly... like a phoenix that rises from ashes...

Here I am... Once again... It took that darkness for me to see why its so important for me to move on, never forget my uncle and his greatness...but to know that...my life was not meant to end because his did...
I may have lost all that I love and value...but my heart and soul are intact I will find my way...

I have applied at another school, and I am pressing forward to my greatness... I keep my hope and faith that even in brokenness there will always be hope for my future... That the dreams and aspirations I have will one day be real, and I will hopefully be content with my life.

Much Love

this time its hurting

The idea of my life being built up to such a greatness, such a power of will... such a desire to change the world and change myself.
I have been shattered all too many times, I have been in moments of despair too many times... I am being a child, stubborn, refusing help, refusing to have common sense. I am struggling with my uncle being in the hospital, I am struggling to see my family and see the distance we have all created, I am troubled at the idea that we are supposed to be in this together, families come together in times of crisis and here is my family.... Separate, distant and not talking, not comforting one another.
If I told them what was truly in my heart maybe they would hear me, maybe they would see me or want to know me.
I'm scared...of myself, scared of my current state of mind, scared of my emotions, and scared to reach out for help. I cannot focus, I cannot sleep, I cannot write, and I cannot feel my heart and it's cries.


I don't know why this sickness, this illness hurts me so much... My uncle is getting older, he is feeling pain and he shouldn't suffer... I feel like I want him to live, I want him to survive to hopefully find purpose, reason for existing... Anything but what he's feeling...let him find hope, let him find happiness.
This has been a difficult time for me...and I haven't been able to turn to the proper supports, and I'm allowing my own thoughts and problems, my moments of despair envelope me and soon I know if I don't say anything...The darkness will continue and all that I've worked for to be happy, to feel joy, to feel love....It will all go away an I don't want to return to the person I used to be.. I don't want to let go of hope but I'm struggling right now..

an infinite possibility

I feel like Im losing my mind with the endless thoughts that are currently flowing through my head and if I avoid writing it down than I'll continue to think, continuing to think makes me a mad woman, so I'll write what Im thinking in hopes it will help slow my mind down to the present.
The world has been a dysfuntional place for me, a world of laughter, fun, and lots of people.. I feel like I get anxiety just thinking of standing in a crowd.. To be shuved or pushed aside, or thrown down, or to have my pockets tampered with etc.. I'll lose myself in thoughts of many things .
I dont know what to say what is appropriate.. I'm coming up to a two year anniversary in my relationship that has been exillerating and intriguing... Being put in a comfortable position of always relying on us being together, or relying on us at all.. The truth of the matter is... Right down to the grits of it.. Im not sure what I am doing.. Weeks ago we broke up, weeks ago I was supposed to go away and let this all go.. To say goodbye to this life I've been living for sometime now..
and yet here I am still here... Still working...still paying bills, and still sleeping in the same bed.

I need an escape.. I need a place, I need a thing, I need a hobby, I need a friend. FML is what I currently am feeling..
I haven't given up my blade but havent had any reason to use it as I've been surviving with my outlet of a counselor.. But than for weeks now I've been without that counselor, without the structure of a counselor and I finally cried out for that today... Thankfully it'll happen this week...

How do we make friends? I have co-workers at work there are few that I enjoy talking to or hanging with, but I've kept my life private, kept my conversations short, avoided the reality of letting them see what kind of person I truly am.
So than what do I have??? Family.. Actually not really.. I've taken on my partners family before my own and have somewhat enjoyed it...But even than still alone.

I was told to go to school for writing as this is my passion this is what I enjoy doing..but this is my passion if i go to school for this again I may very well lose my passion for writing..

What can I do? who can I confide in?

How do I speak the words that are deep within me in a way that hurts no one at all. to be honest about everything I am currently facing and to be able to share these hearts desire and share my thoughts withuot judgement.. To be alive for even one day... I may even smile

No Other Love

Repeatidly for about four hours I have been listening to "No other Love" by Heart...

If you hear it than you'll understand where Im at right now...

Im struggling with my life, and all that matters to me... Giving up on myself and the greatness I have become.. My older sister shattered all my hopes of a great wonderful weekend with family.. The one amazing thing I had to look forward too...And it was because we had a disagreement about enabling addiction.. This is one thing I have been against forever!! I will never support people who use the money I have for their drinking, drugs or anything of the sort! I will not enable an addiction!
My sister disagrees as she often would because my mom enabled her to be those addictions she once had..
It broke my heart!!!
I have been completely unravelled!! Everything about my mom, my family and everything has been undone! I feel like Im disowned, an orphan even.. My family got so angry with me for the things I told in confidence to my idiot sister!! Something that will take me years to forgive her for!
If this horrible story isn't enough.. After all of this! i got into an argument with my Partner who in turn left me! I feel like Im losing my damn mind with all of this! I mean everything that I have worked so hard for!
And yet I fail every moment I breath! I say I wanna live a good life, I say i wanna be better! I say all this garbage that isn't even coming to pass! Im a coward! Im a fool and I am utterly and sadly alone.. So what do I do when I feel this way??>??? I go back to old habits! I wish I could say it was drinking that was my old demon but sadly not even close!
I have gone back to resorting to cutting! The one demon, the one darkness that had so weakened me, the one thing that so utterly burdened me... The one thing I cannot seem to let go of! from this crappy cutting has come the crappy thoughts, the door to the beast has been opened, and everything I believed in is now falling apart and Im failing!
I feel like if someone even breathed on me I would break down and cry, I feel like if someone asked me if Im ok my heart would literally shatter to pieces. I have made myself into a fool! And Im ashamed of all the choices that have led up to those cutting..
What to do? What to do?
How do I make it out of this darkness that is so enveloping me into a person i thought I left behind.. Im scared because I have no one to turn too, no one... I have the wee bit of strength within me just to talk about it and cannot let it go...
Im scared..Im terrified and Im worried about what choices will come from this darkness thats not wrapping its filthy claws around me....

I can only hope... wish.. and desire for a better tomorrow...as I cry myself to sleep, as I put on this facade that is so easily see through... I try my best to pretend this darkness doesnt exist...

ancestry=alcoholism

So I read in the paper on my to work.. I was struck with a significant blow to my ego.. I read in the 24 hour newspaper a story about some native guy who beat a bus driver.. and the defense of this guy was "citing louie's history of alochol abuse, fetal alcohol syndrome and aboriginal ancestry as factors, lawyer david silverman asked for a condtional sentence."
Im furious about this blurb about his ancestry and the reason he goes around beating people and abusing alcohol as if it's our heritage that created such a monster.
Really!!! Lets list off a few things I know about Aborginal history! We have the opportunity to rise above the bullshit we were faced with in our heritage! I understand the issues and problems that come with such a brutual history of abuse that turns about the person to become such a monster! But you can't sit there and tell me that this is the reason one man beat another man!
I will say it right now! I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC! I had a history of my own experiences but with all falling in destruction I found my way through it.. as did my mother, my older sister, and this is not the only history! I can say with certainity dozens of First Nations, Aborginal man and women who had a history of alcohol abuse, and drug issues who stand highly regarded for their strength to get out of such an evil cycle.
There are First Nations men and women who sit in parlament, there are First Nations men and women fighting for our country, there are First Nations men and women who fight for our ability to have a voice. Right next door to my work there are First Nations men and women who are fighting on the right side of the law!
There are First Nations men and women who are not categorized in such hidious amounts of alcoholism, drug abuse or anything! We have the same beauty of a great future as any human being! I am not a product of the history of abuse that we all suffered as First Nations people!

I know that when the Residential settlements came in for some of those elders who suffered such crimes, that most of them killed themselves from alcoholism, or drug abuse, because it was too much for them to bring up stuff, history of their childhood. I know that there are some First Nations who suffered from that Residential school and came above it and helped their people, helped their community!
It has been engraved in the good hearted First Nations know who you are, and where you came from, and bring back all your knowledge, greatness, and everything that would benefit you as a person bring it back to your outstanding community!
FOLLOW YOUR HEART~

I have always been someone who has fallen on my face with garbage I have suffered as a woman, or the things I endured as a child! I could be like all those other young adults who suffer at the hands of addiction. I am not like everyone else, I am not a person of addiction! I Have not let my past control my future! I have stood up and said "NO" to addiction and I have suffered a lot of history of physical abuse, sexual abuse, and many kinds of emotional abuse! I could do this all day! But I choose to get help, I choose to become someone greater! I choose to see my inspirational friends like Margo Kane, or Buffy St. Marie! I have been able to stand up against the ties of addictions, the webs of lies and say no to these effects! And I will not allow some newspaper define my people as being alcoholics! I am furious at the accusation! I know this one individual for whatever reason has chosen to drink, chosen to become abusive but it has nothing to do with his history! He could have sought out help, he could have tried to get out of it! He cannot stand before a judge and say it's because of my ancestry that I am abusive, that I willingly beat a bus driver because he didn't let me on the bus! It's because he was drunk, it was because he was not reasoning with himself and was angry, and his history of abuse was the cause of him making such poor decisions!

I needed to write this down because Im furious that I feel like this. and that I dont understand why some native guys defense is that he has an aboriginal ancestry and this is why he beat a man who suffered severe brain damage.

You hold the key

WOWOWW!

It's been forever since I've written mainly because I no longer have much computer access, and also because I'm working full-time and overtime hours these days.
I'm happy to report something that has had me dumbfounded for so long. My father's death anniversary is today... And you know I noticed a difference in my life since a year ago!? A year ago I spent the whole month depressed, broken, lost even.. However in all of my own life.. The first time ever in my entire life of not having my father, I didn't get depressed, or drink or anything wreckless... I acknowledged his death, his life and I honored him in my own way, but I did not let his death anniversary pull me down.. This is the first time I felt whatever I needed to feel even though I love my dad and miss him beyond words, and wish so much that he were here.. I have been able to move forward and honor him, never forget about him, but not let his death control my life, my feelings or anything.

Other than that I am working alot as I said I am working full time.. I am still working on the Downtown Eastside of Vancouver, and I am working with people who have struggled with homelessness, or addictions, I have been able to be someone there who says "you matter" I do this by being there everyday, and being as friendly as I can, and listening to them cause they matter too.
As for my relationship after a year and five months we are still together, we stopped celebrating anniversarys as it seems remembering these anniversaries has caused some drama, like we either have no money, or we both forget, or just something dramatic, or we break up and get back together and just the whole nine yards of the weirdest craziest best hard relationship I've ever had.. We are still living together and although our six month lease is up the end of this month, it seems like we are gonna stay and try continue to build a home together.

You know... I've spent a lot of time in my life thinking about the past.. As I see the people I work around, the enviroment it brings a sense of accomplishment, not prideful but grateful that I am who I am, that I never had the struggle with these kinds of addictions or struggles. I dont know how i got where I am.. My partner said to me lastnight that the reason I am not the way every first nation person has ever been, is because I'm lucky, that I somehow found a way, a rare egg lmao. I know that without a doubt.. Something happened in my life and yet continues to happen in my life?!
I mean I remember the two years ago I tried to commit suicide I believe twice in one year, or the other incidents that happened in my life. It took this as my rock bottem for me to move forward and see that I have purpose and I may spend my whole life trying to define that purpose but I'm moving forward with out turning back. Not to say I am perfect, I have had my set backs and I am afraid of the future but I am more determined to live, appreciate living, and share my history of my life with those who struggle you know?!

I have felt broken at times and I have felt sad.. with my work I find that I may meet someone and know them for a few months or even few weeks, and than suddenly they are no longer in the world, they pass away.. And it's hard on me but Im learning that sometimes it just takes one person to make a difference in someones life... I knew that about two years ago from my BFF, but to live that kind of lifestyle.. Well it seems it takes me forever.

Im happy to report I seem to be finding my way in someway!

I have missed my family, my friends... and I have missed my social networks, social life.. But that I am moving forward, and Im taking care of my responsibilites.. I am doing what I must to keep on keepin on!

I miss writing more than anything in the world but I had just wrote a long ass email to my BFF so I don't feel like writing much more!! but I am grateful for who I am and what I've done, and hope to find my path, and what I'm planning on doing with my future! I am still trying to find a University that I want to attend, and I am still trying to figure out what my career would be,I always thought I knew, but I guess when you think you know something it all falls apart and lets me be more open to any an all opportunities of the future!


Thanks for listenning!

R.I.P Daddy! <3 <3 <3 you are never forgotten!

Another 24hours

Much love <3 <3 <3