Sunday, June 10, 2012

an infinite possibility

I feel like Im losing my mind with the endless thoughts that are currently flowing through my head and if I avoid writing it down than I'll continue to think, continuing to think makes me a mad woman, so I'll write what Im thinking in hopes it will help slow my mind down to the present.
The world has been a dysfuntional place for me, a world of laughter, fun, and lots of people.. I feel like I get anxiety just thinking of standing in a crowd.. To be shuved or pushed aside, or thrown down, or to have my pockets tampered with etc.. I'll lose myself in thoughts of many things .
I dont know what to say what is appropriate.. I'm coming up to a two year anniversary in my relationship that has been exillerating and intriguing... Being put in a comfortable position of always relying on us being together, or relying on us at all.. The truth of the matter is... Right down to the grits of it.. Im not sure what I am doing.. Weeks ago we broke up, weeks ago I was supposed to go away and let this all go.. To say goodbye to this life I've been living for sometime now..
and yet here I am still here... Still working...still paying bills, and still sleeping in the same bed.

I need an escape.. I need a place, I need a thing, I need a hobby, I need a friend. FML is what I currently am feeling..
I haven't given up my blade but havent had any reason to use it as I've been surviving with my outlet of a counselor.. But than for weeks now I've been without that counselor, without the structure of a counselor and I finally cried out for that today... Thankfully it'll happen this week...

How do we make friends? I have co-workers at work there are few that I enjoy talking to or hanging with, but I've kept my life private, kept my conversations short, avoided the reality of letting them see what kind of person I truly am.
So than what do I have??? Family.. Actually not really.. I've taken on my partners family before my own and have somewhat enjoyed it...But even than still alone.

I was told to go to school for writing as this is my passion this is what I enjoy doing..but this is my passion if i go to school for this again I may very well lose my passion for writing..

What can I do? who can I confide in?

How do I speak the words that are deep within me in a way that hurts no one at all. to be honest about everything I am currently facing and to be able to share these hearts desire and share my thoughts withuot judgement.. To be alive for even one day... I may even smile

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