Sunday, May 27, 2012

No Other Love

Repeatidly for about four hours I have been listening to "No other Love" by Heart...

If you hear it than you'll understand where Im at right now...

Im struggling with my life, and all that matters to me... Giving up on myself and the greatness I have become.. My older sister shattered all my hopes of a great wonderful weekend with family.. The one amazing thing I had to look forward too...And it was because we had a disagreement about enabling addiction.. This is one thing I have been against forever!! I will never support people who use the money I have for their drinking, drugs or anything of the sort! I will not enable an addiction!
My sister disagrees as she often would because my mom enabled her to be those addictions she once had..
It broke my heart!!!
I have been completely unravelled!! Everything about my mom, my family and everything has been undone! I feel like Im disowned, an orphan even.. My family got so angry with me for the things I told in confidence to my idiot sister!! Something that will take me years to forgive her for!
If this horrible story isn't enough.. After all of this! i got into an argument with my Partner who in turn left me! I feel like Im losing my damn mind with all of this! I mean everything that I have worked so hard for!
And yet I fail every moment I breath! I say I wanna live a good life, I say i wanna be better! I say all this garbage that isn't even coming to pass! Im a coward! Im a fool and I am utterly and sadly alone.. So what do I do when I feel this way??>??? I go back to old habits! I wish I could say it was drinking that was my old demon but sadly not even close!
I have gone back to resorting to cutting! The one demon, the one darkness that had so weakened me, the one thing that so utterly burdened me... The one thing I cannot seem to let go of! from this crappy cutting has come the crappy thoughts, the door to the beast has been opened, and everything I believed in is now falling apart and Im failing!
I feel like if someone even breathed on me I would break down and cry, I feel like if someone asked me if Im ok my heart would literally shatter to pieces. I have made myself into a fool! And Im ashamed of all the choices that have led up to those cutting..
What to do? What to do?
How do I make it out of this darkness that is so enveloping me into a person i thought I left behind.. Im scared because I have no one to turn too, no one... I have the wee bit of strength within me just to talk about it and cannot let it go...
Im scared..Im terrified and Im worried about what choices will come from this darkness thats not wrapping its filthy claws around me....

I can only hope... wish.. and desire for a better I cry myself to sleep, as I put on this facade that is so easily see through... I try my best to pretend this darkness doesnt exist...

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