Tuesday, April 8, 2014

this time its hurting

The idea of my life being built up to such a greatness, such a power of will... such a desire to change the world and change myself.
I have been shattered all too many times, I have been in moments of despair too many times... I am being a child, stubborn, refusing help, refusing to have common sense. I am struggling with my uncle being in the hospital, I am struggling to see my family and see the distance we have all created, I am troubled at the idea that we are supposed to be in this together, families come together in times of crisis and here is my family.... Separate, distant and not talking, not comforting one another.
If I told them what was truly in my heart maybe they would hear me, maybe they would see me or want to know me.
I'm scared...of myself, scared of my current state of mind, scared of my emotions, and scared to reach out for help. I cannot focus, I cannot sleep, I cannot write, and I cannot feel my heart and it's cries.

I don't know why this sickness, this illness hurts me so much... My uncle is getting older, he is feeling pain and he shouldn't suffer... I feel like I want him to live, I want him to survive to hopefully find purpose, reason for existing... Anything but what he's feeling...let him find hope, let him find happiness.
This has been a difficult time for me...and I haven't been able to turn to the proper supports, and I'm allowing my own thoughts and problems, my moments of despair envelope me and soon I know if I don't say anything...The darkness will continue and all that I've worked for to be happy, to feel joy, to feel love....It will all go away an I don't want to return to the person I used to be.. I don't want to let go of hope but I'm struggling right now..

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