hold onto hope

 has there ever been a time where a part of you wished you didn't know? Im struggling because as I said so many times... we're in a weird place, a difficult place, and it hurts more and more. 

  For another time.. i get to hear the reassurance but there's some reality to go with it, and that is what hurts... because I have to continue to find hope, hold onto it and give that even when I feel like it may be lost, and I hope.. I hope for a better day to come soon.. 
I found myself driving..and stupid music tied to our love... and it makes me think... or remember moments in our lives, that were beautiful, lovely and fun.. and then it goes back to reality of knowing we aren't even together as of yet... we are still apart. 
I worry.. I grow with worry more and more with all the things going on, and all the people that could be.. I don't have to worry about myself because I remain loyal on my own. 

and today.. my partner had said the same thing, and it brings me so muhc happiness.. but it also is a reminder... that we are or may be insanely crazy..because I dont know why. why is this different..
you know..

I look back at our beginning, and it is hilarious and funny, and Im crazy in all my forms.. adn yet my partner stood by me... only reason she tried to leave me because she knew that she would have to go through all this medical stuff.. and so I have stood our ground, and just trying to hold onto that, because who doesn't deserve hope in dark times? she deserves to feel my love, and have my love, my loyalty and commitment, I don't want to bail. I dont want to find something else.. because our love is deep. our love is beautiful. I remmeber what it felt like... to hold her, to kiss her, to walk next to her. we deserve happiness, we deserve beauty and thats what we can have... but in this time.. in this chapter.. things are difficult, painful, and there is doubt trying to grow.. and I have to make the continous effort to remind us both... we are in this together, that no matter what the doctor says, no matter what her mind says.. I am here. and there's nothing else I'd rather.. no one.. nowhere.. I just want to be iwth her. 

it hurts.. it's not easy... its really difficult.. and for a small portion of all that.. it brought me way back!!! WAY BACK. to someone.. honestly...someone I loved above all others.. honestly... if there was a true love I felt that was it. but maybe Im wrong.. as I ended losing touch, and moving back here to Vancouver. regardless the depth and loyalty and idea of the future.. it reminds of that.. and it makes me want it beyond everyhting.. and that is what maks me crazy. 

I have to move forward. I have to hold onto her. because we are beautiful. we can and will accomplish things.. travel, love, and fmaily, our love story has barely begun and I already waiting for the next chapter because she makes me wrold and life feel lively.. and hopeful.. 

I cannot describe it.. and I wish I could. I love her more than love has ever had an expression of it.. deeper than any ocean or abyss.. I treasure her as my most prized possession. I'd do anything, be anything.. and I feel she feels the same. and thats waht makes this hope easy to hang onto..

I guess have to stop writing.. as my son has shown up needs snuggles before bed.