racing mind

 Im in one of those mind races where Im trying to figure out what scenerio fits best... trying to figure out if I made the right decision... if this is the right path.. 

But then when my phone gets a message and it's her... I literally have butterflies, I literally smile at her messages, and Im sure she does the same. I am happy that she says I bring her joy and happiness, I wish I could bring her peace and relief from the pain she has to endure. 
I wish I could hold her and keep her safe from it, but I can't... I have to endure this chapter in our lives.. 

It is not easy!!!

most of the time I honestly want to race through the city just to find her, spend 5 minutes with her, just bathing in our love and happiness, you know in all the time we spent together the last few months have been super challenging, always something coming up for her, and always having to be patient. but then I have memories, moments where I remember... I remember the greatest moments in things as random as holding her hand, kissing her lips, or laying next to her and never feeling more safe, or listening to her say the common thing people randomly say because we seen it on TV, I'll kill someone for you, or I'll hurt anyone who hurts you.
you know all the cheesy stuff.

I hold onto to these memories of who we were and who we will be in the future. how much of the future I believe in that I cannot have it any other way. 

I've never felt this strongly about allowing myself to be set aside, and to focus on her healing, i am grateful it makes me feel like I've grown, but I wish.. I wish just for once we could give me one of my wishes as we travel through this time.
I like the idea of the country opening up, and being able to travel, so many sites I want to take her too, so many ideas... and then I start thinking about marriage, and what does that look like, and how do I want to make her happy in sense of purposing for her to be mine forever. 

its weird to think that way, but the reality is that we knew... it's like we knew from the time we got together to our first nights together, we knew something is different in this relationship then most.. and part of it Im sure terrifies us, but the other part consumes us, and makes us want to surround ourselves in that love. you know?

I just hope... I give everything I have.. I hope that she comes back to me.. how amazing it will be when she is fianlly well eough to come to my home, our home that I have tried to build for us. 

other than that... I feel like it's all I talk about.. but honestly.. its not an easy situation its a difficult time in our lives, that I feel like I have to worrry about her, and myeself. 

I have hope for a better future, I believe in her, I believe in her love, that we will make it through this and we will be ok, we will grow so much more strongly in the future.. 

anyway... I am who I am,and I will not love anyone as much as I love her, there is no graeater bond or connection that I have with anyone but her.. and I want the best for us, I want us to grow, and to live, and to laugh, to make plans, to travel, to get married, have kids etx. 
however is it traditional to have to ask the parent for hand in marriage? or is that just a bs fairy tale? can I just skip past that? does it matter ? 
I have to review this situation with her because honestly it's been awhile since her and i talked about what it would look like and what our plan is, but I honestly didn't write it down, because I don't know... I usually remember stuff like that... 
Maybe Im just insanely crazy...