Love me Now

 So... I dont know what to say think or do... I spent the last 24 hours replaying everything in my life the last few months, the good moments where I thought about the future I could have had, and also the pain I felt in what she had been saying. 

theres so much that is going on for her that she cannot focus on me, she cannot be forced to think of me, or go through whatever with me.. I don't know the bs.. all's I know her energy, and focus needs to be on herself, on her healing, on her ability to get through this shitty time of her life..
and so I had to make a decision.. 

to tell her that... I understand this, I know how important living can be, and how important it is to let her live her life to the point of finding her purpose in it.
all day i thought about why she hadn't been responding and what to say next, as my mind raced through every scenerio even in the last week of hearing her spout the BS of forever, and marriage, and kids etx.

so when she finally talked to me.. it should have been obvious that I'd know she was in the hospital all this time that i've been fighting to stay in this relationship, she's been dealing with her health issues, as severe as they are. 

I talked to her, explained that I know how important that is for her.. it's not like Im asking for marriage, move in, life forever enveloped in me. or whatever.  so for whatever reason we came up with compromise.. to let us take a breather rather than saying goodbye, because our love is still strong, we still want one another, we still see this as the epic forever love, the only reason we or she is unable to give me the full amount of that love is for what she is going through.
so instead.... she gets to focus on everyhting for herself, I get to lavish the love i have onto her, whether in person or  a distance. regardless the conculsion is that she doesn't want to lose me, she doesnt want to go through this stage in her life alone... and I am willing to stand here, willing to be a strength that she needs in a time that she needs it. 

I don't know what the damn right decision is.. all's i know is that I have to let her live to the point she finds reason and prpose to live, whether that be for me or anyone else. 

Its not a easy choice to yet again put all teh stfuff about me better. 

as i repetedly said... it is but one chapter of our lives.. forever is forever and what we are dealing with at this time in this place is temporary..
adn that is why she is 

Love wins 

thats all i would want for us...