mind race

 Is it ok to write about the mind race I am currently having and all that has happened or continued to happen.. I am seriously struggling with this feeling.. I dont understand life right now.. reason for existing if it may.. you ever look at all the people in your life and wonder how you are even connected to them? I am in this weird space where I wonder why my friends are my friends... 

the job I do, work i do.. basically says I am this specific type of person, who seems what heartless? I dont know for sure. whatever it may be.. thats what Im labeled as, and yet out side of that.. I have list of people who are my down to earth friends, people I can call at teh drop of a hat, or people who've known me forever and know me in moments that are dark.. 

i don't understand the luxury of these friendships..

even as a mom.. hearing about the short comings of other moms, or being super judgmental to hear that they are on a budget even tho I guarantee they get some sort of child tax, which is supposed to cover the cost for that kid isn't it? so how do you live a life so out of the world that cant afford simple housing and clothes and food for those kids.
i was looked at... as someone who is to be judged.. which I thougth was strange.. to be on the other end of that.. to know that I've taken my kid to the USA, California, that we stopped wherever our hearts desired, we went to whatever parks, zoos whatever we wanted, oceans, etx. and even here at home.. we went everywhere, to the island, to the north, wherever... and to hear that these other families struggle so much..it reminds me why I keep my job, it reminds me why I do what I do, and why I have to stay in this.. because my kid..of all things deserves to grow up good..whatever good may be.. 

other than that.. Im struggling.. with thoughts..of death..not death of anyone but myself.. I have these dark moments, and I wonder how I get through them, because i have obviously had these moments a lot through my years, so I odn't know how i got through them before, but I need to know.. and in these dark moments my partner..is the only person I see...

I desire. I long, I want to be with my partner, I want to look into her eyes, and kiss her lips, walk down the street holding her hand, whatever the case may be.. I want it.. and it is what gets me through the days.. the idea that we will be back there.. I will speak that into the universe.r
Recently my partner sent me a message telling me how muhc she wants to be with me, and how she is going to stay with me for over a week, or weeks, and I thougth damn what am I going to do with her for that long, it will be so amazing, and akward its like getting to know her all over again.. but the love I have for her, is deeper than any love..

but tonight that love.. reminded me of someone...and for the first time I wonder if what I am thinking is what is real, or what is not real, and I don't know how to figure it out... I am losing my mind, and Im scared to ask, Im scared to try say something, anything. Im hiding myself, and in that I am crying while I do dishes, or clean the house because alls I want to do is something bad.. something really bad.. cause Im hurting.. Im hurting in these dark spaces on my own.