I guess I'll start with how terrible its been in only a few days. Im not sure if I wrote about the first car accident I had in my entire life, and how it happened just last month. It was pretty significantly painful, who knew bruised muscles was a thing.
regardless just as I am dealing with this, I ended up being hit by another vehicle. and all's I did was break down, I mean seriously I just went through this, it all just got finalized and completed. I just got my car back, and there I go again, someone hit me from the side but this time was driver side and alls I keep thinking is why am I always the one who gets hurt the most. lol I feel like Im just so fragile,
and now I have to consider actual help from physio and message therapist, as well as consider if I can keep working because I was already struggling and it just throws my world into chaos. it feels like a long road to recovery yet agian, and its hard for me to be patient with my body because Im so used to being up and moving, and I cant imagine not doing anything because when I think of that, then I start getting anxious because I dont do well on my own, and I don't do well not having purpose everydya.
Its hard that I am about to talk about this other stuff, but I also recently wrote about being compeltely messed up about being with someone, and all these mixed feelings, and I guess we worked through them, but it made me realize that I have some places I obviously have to grow, and have to work on. I don't want to screw things up, I also don't want to move too fast, I dont mind where I am now, but there are times I wish I could do more than just sit here sending the good vibes, thoughts and love, etc. but during times like now I guess it's all I can do.
its hard because a part of me wants to be the same psycho I've always been in most of my relationships but this is one of those where you know you've met someone who could change everything and I just don't want to screw it up. so I am ttrying my best to be present, adn available when they need me, but also letting them have their space even though I've repeatedly said I'd love to be someone who can sit there on the side of the road to where they are just to have 5 mins with them rather then not seeing them, that's pretty lame. but when I think about it I just want them to be able to know how far Im willing to go to be there for them.
I don't know what I am doing and when the right time to do anything is the right thing, i kind of play it as it comes, but its so hard to guage where we are at, and to try find the words to say that need to be said. there are a lot of moments for me that I reacted weirdly, or ended up in a weird funk and usually has nothing to do with them, it's my own trauma? my own bs. I have stuff to work on for myself as well and trying to let someone in that is super difficult. I dont know why it's so hard but likely because that is vulnerable, and it's not that i don't trust them, but that the depth of me is far more vulnerable then a shattered almost shattered glass, I have just put myself together and trying to mend all those pieces, im scared and thats normal... most of my friends and those closest to me never got there in blink of an eye it was something that I tested, adn I hate that I do that, but it's who I am I guess and I don't know how to get out of where I've always been!
Im on the road to healing in all aspects of my life, and Im in love with this person....I hope if anything I can be someone that they can rely on as I hope to rely on them.
night
No comments:
Post a Comment