Ive been listening to this song on repeat.. its my go to song right now, I even downloaded the song in different versions but the one Im listening to now is my favorite.
in case no one knows Im losing my mind in every way humanly possible. I don't know what to do besides to write because it doesn't help me anymore to write, but I no longer have the same supports in my life that I can call random people and those random people answer.
Ive been struggling a lot lately.. I feel like more than I have since 2009. I wish I could explain but the traumatic events that I have endured in the last month have been worse then anything.. because the reality is that I can't show you the bruises, you can't physically see them, but I can physically touch them, and damn do they ever hurt, the hardest one is on my chest. so any emotion response other then "meh" I can feel my muscles doing something, and then I start to have a hard time breathing because it hurts that much. a friend of mine said they had smoked weed and went on a bad trip that they didnt know how to breathe, and thats how I feel every time my chest hurts, and more emotion that erupts the more painful, do you know how hard it is to maintain one "meh" emotion.. especially with all the uncertainty Im dealing with in my life.
Im struggling everyday.. worse and worse. I am falling.. or jumping back into old ways that I regret. and I am being consumed by the feelings that envelope in those habits. believe me in some ways I am sure I have a good life, but in some ways like any person in the world I struggle. and more so now than I ever have before. I may have friends, and supports in my life.. but none compare to my lady. there is literally nothing special about her, except that I love her, and that even with one look, one I love you, it calms the storm in my heart and soul. I miss her, and I wish that in all my supports of being able to call on any of them I wish I could call on her. because I loved her that much, as matter of fact IM going to email her and tell her to send me a voice clip ahahha.. maybe it will help.
regardless the struggle is real.. for the first time well no... I've always had anxiety but for some odd reason it's come up a lot more frequently, a friend of mine has said it's probably with all the trauma I've endured in the last month, the hardest thing people say to do is easy.. is to breath.... didnt I just say that all my emotions get heightened and then I have a hard time breathing, and your telling me to take deep breathes, it's like someone is messing with me. some others have recommended drugs, and some have no opinion whatsoever. so I am navigating all of this, and hoping that one day soon I'll have help and support from a professional.
I don't know if I've said this but I'm in a relationship.. first one in a long ass time, because I have a kid.. like any single mother, we sit and contemplate what is right for our children, when, where, who, how someone is introduced into our lives and that of our children. I tried to work this all out, and tried to make it so it went smoothly, and it had.. my kid warms up fairly well to my partner. but like anything.. any new relationship has to endure life, and our own personal struggles, as well as one another, as well as helping and supporting one another. Im struggling, and as I write that my chest is starting to hurt, because I am struggling all on my own, and now Im struggling to what? open up about my struggling to someone I love.. I mean I have friends but some of these friends have been in my life for over 7 yrs, we are past everything and I guess I build up a wall guarding my heart. I want to take that wall down and I feel like sometimes I do but the response isn't always what I expect or want or need, and or I feel like Im doing something wrong, or I don't deserve this love, devotion or whatever. Im told thats generational trauma that we've all dealt with in our lies from our own childhood stuff, or the generational curse. regardless the constant nagging in my brain telling me that I am not good enough, I am not worthy of love, and that of all things I don't even know what love is to be able to experience it, or share it.
Im struggling with this, and being able to work through an enjoy that love, if that is what it is. and to enjoy the person that is giving me that love. its a lot to take in, its a lot to take on, and its hard to trust it. I think a lot of times in my life I have been burned by love, that I have been burned by others that it just hurts too much, like just being beaten so many times; Im overally cautious and terrified so Im super slow, but I guess whenever I get there, that love for me will be eternal because I love without limits, expectations and even though people hurt me I cant help but continue to love, and believe that people were meant more than this.
I just wish I was a bit different, that I could show her the writing on the wall that is my heart, to show her a map to say this is how we get there, but its not somewhere I can get within a short period of time, with patience and with desire I can slowly get us there if they are willing to take the journey with me...
IDK>>>>>LOSING MY MIND""<<<<<< \
I wish I could say... but all that comes up is Applesauce Penguin
one day... the spell will wear off and I'll be able to write what is real for me... until then applesauce penguin
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