Finding myself

 I guess I had my wake up call... in different forms of reminders... I don't know how someone can get in such a dark space and not even see the light, or what destructive thing I was doing to myself. I literally wasn't hurting anyone but myself. 

I had daily reminders to live, to laugh to love etc whatever corny thing... someone out there made sure I wasn't seeing nothing or feeling nothing. im struggling with everything. and I am struggling with purpose. its hard to even speak on the things that have happened last year, or the complete abandonment that i feel about everything regarding everything that happened, how I desperately want to change everything about myself just to no longer associate with what or where I came from. 

anyway thats a process that I am facing on my own. I don't know.. but I guess in all my stories of my entries of this place.. I've made it pretty clear that I've always been about family, adn I guess now.. my family is a lot smaller, and as much as that might sound great, it is also very lonely. because I'm hurt a lot not being able to turn to those I should have been able to trust in every part of myself, people who knew me from baby to now, or whatever to whatever. 

Anyway... im struggling without my family, without their love, support or whatever. 

I have to find a new love, and appreciation for family in different ways, and I believe that's possible, but I also believe that you can never trust anyone full heartedly that isn't my actual family. 
I'm in love with someone.. ugh damn am I ever. and I want that person to be my family. I want to hold onto this idea in my head that this could be my family,but I can't its far too soon for that.
But believe me a part of me wants to, yearns to trust them whole heartedly but I'm hesitate and I know and feel it. but its because of the history of all things family and friends, I've been let down so often, I've been hurt so often, I've believed in BS facades of people, and I have also played games, and had games played on me. believe the love thing isn't new for me, but this type of love is new for me. 

so it's a slow process I'm working toward. and I hope to figure out soon because I absolutely want to be able to trust someone, to be able to let someone else in, but like all things.. it's a process and in the short of time I've known them, it hasn't been long enough for me to be an open book. I know that it takes awhile, but I'm trying.. believe me when I say I'm asbolutely trying in ways I never did before, adn I hope that that can speak it's own volumes of my love and devotion. 

I won't lie.. I'm still struggling with urges, I'm still wanting to go back to what was me, and what I see so easily I can get back into.. but I'm trying.. trying to go back to calling/asking for help..

One bs day at a time I'll get there. and can only hope for the best, and hope to be able to enjoy this love forever.. believe me what I would do to enjoy this love forever. I hope they feel the same way because its been beautiful in our good days, it's been absolulety beautifull.. I can hardly describe it in the fullest extent of how great our beautiful days have been. and how I wallow in those moments that have taken my breath away. I want to live there forever, but yes a daily choice to keep moving forward with this person.. 

I'm slowly coming back to life, slowly coming back to the person I've always been, and i feel like everyone can see that, because I can definetly feel it..

and that' is why I keep moving forward.